MONDAY, AUGUST 13
ITEM! The romance of Twilight's Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart continues to slowly collapse in on itself—however, while RPat seems to be slowly struggling back to his feet (giving humorous/sad puppy dog-eyed interviews on The Daily Show and Good Morning America), KStew is still one hot Chunky Monkey-gobbling mess! Conflicting rumors say she's been unceremoniously dumped from the Snow White and the Huntsman sequel (scheduled to be directed by cheating cad/alleged oral sex buddy Rupert Sanders), though other reports claim she was never officially attached to the project in the first place. No matter! Li'l Ms. Stew is too busy stewing in her own angry juices to be concerned about silly career matters. According to TMZ, Kristen is FA-UR-I-OUS that she's the one being labeled as the cheating tramp by the public, while her cohort in cunninglingus (RuSand) is getting off relatively scot-free! Sources say, that while Kristen acknowledges her role in the affair, she thinks she's getting a bum rap because Rupert was (a) in a position of power, (b) married with two kids, and (c) 19 years her senior (ew). Luckily Kristen has at least one fan in her corner: actress Jodie Foster, who co-starred with a then 11-year-old KStew in the film Panic Room. (WE DID NOT KNOW THAT!) Jodie wrote a fairly annoying screed for The Daily Beast in the young starlet's defense, saying, "The public horrors of today eventually blow away... Hopefully in the process you don't lose your ability to throw your arms in the air again and spin in wild abandon." Jodie... you're supposed to be inspiring her to forget the past—not dancing in the front row of a Phish concert. GROSS.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 14
This just in: Gays cheat, too! (Jeez, what's next? That they like showtunes?) Poor, loveable, and recently out CNN anchor Anderson Cooper received a slap to the ego today when Brit tab The Daily Mail published photos of his longtime boyfriend Ben Maisani licking the insides of another man's mouth. ACoop and BMais have been together for a whopping three years—that's roughly 72 years for straight folks—and were planning on tying the knot by Labor Day. However, according to Life & Style, Andy and Ben were on a yacht in Croatia (poor things) when the news hit (awkward), so their future as a couple is now officially up in the air. "Anderson's upset," a snoopy pal says. "Who wouldn't be?" (How would you Twilight fans feel about an ACoop/RPat romantic team-up? We'll start writing the fan fiction in three... two... one... NOW.)
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 15
In legal news, the hair of fading pop hillbilly Miley Cyrus has filed a restraining order against the singer's head... either that, or she got the worst... haircut... ever. As reported last week, MiCy took a rusty pair of sewing scissors to her blonde locks (after being mercilessly teased for having a 'do that resembled Rachel from Friends... HA!), which now makes her look like Tinkerbell on chemo. "If you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all," Miley said to tha haterz on tha Twatter. "My hair is attached to my head no one else's and it's going bye-bye." In response, Miley's fallen hair created it's own Twatter account, saying, "Free at last... free at last... thank god almighty, free at last!" MEANWHILE... Nearly bankrupt One Day regular Lindsay Lohan isn't nearly so bankrupt anymore! In fact, TMZ has discovered she's on track to make an impressive $2 million this year. Thanks to roles in Liz & Dick, The Canyons, (the upcoming) Scary Movie, and Glee, as well as fashion endorsements and her kinda gross Playboy spread, LiLo seems to be back on the money train. (Whooo! Whooo! Next stop "Cocaine Junction"! Allllll aboard!")
THURSDAY, AUGUST 16
For those who are disgusted by today's gossip, let's travel back in time to 1994—the year when action star Jean-Claude Van Damme claims he had an affair with Street Fighter co-star/pop star Kylie Minogue—and of course, he was MARRIED at the time. Van Damme spilled the beans to UK's Guardian, hilariously stuttering, "I don't know, maybe. Yes. Okay. Yes, yes, yes. It happened. We had an affair." And yes, he could've stopped there. But did he? Maybe. No. He did not. No. No. No. "Sweet kiss, beautiful lovemaking," Van Damme ickily continued. "It would be abnormal not to have had an affair." Gross? Maybe. Okay. Yes, yes, yes. Absolutely. Stop it. We're vomiting.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 17
Mitt Romney has "struggled to connect with voters all year and has been battered all summer by attack ads from President Obama's campaign," the Washington Post writes. "That has put his approval rating at 40 percent, among the lowest of all time." As a result, the upcoming GOP convention will be focusing less on Romney as a person—a person who, for example, bullied a gay student in prep school, or has a $55,000 car elevator in his home—and more on Romney as a "uniquely qualified businessman who can fix the economy." "It's a tough [row] to hoe," a GOP strategist tells the Post. "They tried handing out chili, they tried him without a tie, and I've not seen a poll where America says, 'We love Mitt Romney.'" Um. Yes. And that would be because we don't. IN OTHER "PASTY OLD WHITE MEN" NEWS... "Elton John and Michael Caine were both on their yachts in St. Tropez yesterday when John saw Caine and mooned him," writes gossip blog What Would Tyler Durden Do. They then published a photograph of Elton John, pants pulled down to his thighs, wiggling his wobbly ass at the distinguished thespian. We will not be running that photograph, dears, as we suspect you will already have trouble sleeping this evening.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 18
Did Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel get secretly married today in Jackson Hole, Wyoming?! Some sources are saying so, while other sources are claiming that a stage for the nuptials has been built for weeks, and still others insist "celebrity wedding cake designer" Sylvia Weinstock has been sighted around Jackson, and... oof. This is almost as exhausting as a real wedding. Yet no one is asking the one important question: When is Justin finally going to come out with a new album? Justin, FutureSex/LoveSounds is almost six years old. If you don't come out with something new soon, we might have to bump it from constant repeat on our Pilates iPod. MEANWHILE... While we never, ever want another album from Kid Rock, we should note that the perpetrator of many a musical hate crime did something good for once—helping to give a 2,600-square-foot home to Sgt. Davin Dumar and his wife, Dana. Dumar lost part of his right leg in Afghanistan, and Kid Rock teamed up with the well-meaning-if-obnoxiously-capitalized Texas nonprofit Operation FINALLY HOME to give houses to injured troops in the singer's home state of Michigan. "I don't know what to say other than shock and amazement," Dumar said upon entering his new home. Good on you, Kid Rock. This almost gets you out of the karma hole for "Batwitdaba." Almost.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 19
Rihanna: beautiful, talented, and so, so stupid. "I'm single, but we have maintained a very close friendship since the restraining order has been dropped," the singer told Oprah today. "It's awkward because I still love him." The person in question, of course, is Chris Brown, the man who choked, brutally beat, and threatened to kill Rihanna, resulting in police taking her to the hospital in 2009. "I think he was the love of my life," the gorgeous, but clearly mentally deficient Rihanna continued. "He was my first love and I see that he loved me the same way. I truly love him. The main thing for me is he's at peace. I'm not at peace if he's not happy or if he's still lonely." RIHANNA. We don't... we can't even... NO, RIHANNA. NO. THIS IS NOT... NO. THIS IS NOT HOW THIS WORKS. MEANWHILE... Director Tony Scott unexpectedly committed suicide this afternoon, parking his Prius on the Vincent Thomas Bridge near Los Angeles before jumping to his death. While early reports suggested Scott—the man behind Top Gun, Crimson Tide, and Man on Fire—had jumped because he learned he had inoperable brain cancer, Scott's widow later revealed to police that wasn't the case. "As late as Friday, director Tony Scott was meeting with Tom Cruise to research their planned Top Gun sequel for Paramount," according to the Hollywood Reporter. "Studios have to compete for directors who are in demand, and Tony was in great demand," a Hollywood insider told the Reporter. "Hyper-qualified directors are really rare." This is sad news, and we wish Scott's family the best. The only thing we can think to add is that ever since he heard the news, Hubby Kip has been watching Top Gun on repeat. If he switches to Crimson Tide soon, we'll probably join him on the couch.