MONDAY, AUGUST 20
We hold the following truth to be self-evident: American Idol is a dismal failure without the pill-popping antics of Paula Abdul. However, the show is trying to regain its "crazy as a batshit bedbug" status by hiring "crazy as a batshit bedbug" Mariah Carey as their newest judge, and paying her a whopping $18 million a year. But apparently? One bedbug is not enough. The Hollywood Reporter revealed today that Nicki Minaj—the insanely annoying rapper who sounds like a teakettle filled with helium—is close to signing on as bedbug judge number two... which isn't making bedbug judge number one happy at all! TMZ reports that Mariah angrily "hung up the phone" upon hearing this news, because she assumed she'd be the only woman on the panel. Then Mariah became even more furiouser upon learning that young, hot Katy Perry was also offered (but refused) a judging seat—even after being offered $20 million a year. (We're getting the impression that Mariah wouldn't be happy if her judging partner was a mop and bucket.) But listen to the potentially best news of the week! American Idol has also approached Kanye West with the judging gig—who has reportedly "expressed interest." EEEEEE!! Can you imagine Kanye and Mariah judging the psychologically fragile contestants on American Idol? Those poor kids would be treated the same way Britney Spears treats a bucket of fried chicken.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 21
By jove, wot's all this then, guv'nah? According to TMZ, young Prince Harry was on leave from military tour in Afghanistan, when he was photographed cavorting around in the nude during a Las Vegas hotel room shindig. Quite a sticky wicket, wot? But don't get your banger in a mash just yet! According to a very British inside source, Harry was just larking about. "He's a lad!" the source said, possibly while quaffing his second Guinness of the morning. "This is just him messing about on holiday. The photos look sleazier than they are... they were just playing strip billiards." Wait... "strip billiards"? Those Brits are kinky! Unfortunately for the playboy prince, the rest of the royal family were... oh, how shall we put it? Not amused. "He got a stern telling-off from his father, Prince Charles," a tut-tutting source told Radar Online, "as well as from the Queen, who reminded him of his responsibilities as a member of the royal family." Oh, but the bum lashing doesn't stop there! Not only did Harry get a reprimand from the commanding officer of his regiment, but according to England's Sunday Mirror, he's been given the old heave-ho by crumpet gal pal Cressida Bonas, who was reportedly "humiliated" after eyeballing the pics depicting nude Harry gadding about with an assortment of naked birds. (Luckily for Harry, "bird" is British slang for "girl.")
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 22
And now it's time for the "Lindsay Lohan Legal Tip of the Day." TMZ tells us that LiLo is being seriously eyeballed by police for an incident that went down this past weekend at a posh Hollywood Hills party in which the owner was robbed of "several expensive watches and sunglasses"—and of course, Lindsay's pals are the primary suspects! The owner of the multi-million dollar mansion who was tossing the all-night soiree invited Lindsay, who in turn brought along brother Cody, her assistant, and the two allegedly skeevy suspects. Lindsay and crew were leaving the party around noon the next day (!!), when the owner suddenly discovered he'd been robbed, and told everyone to stay until the police arrived. Now—here comes the legal advice to which everyone should always adhere: When the cops began to question Lindsay about the stolen articles, she replied, "Am I a suspect?" When the cops answered, "no," Lindsay bid them both a good day and hopped on the next flight out of state. NICE. (Don't be shocked! When you get into as much trouble as Lindsay, you learn a thing or two about the law.)
THURSDAY, AUGUST 23
This just in: Lip-biting Twilight cheat Kristen Stewart has been spotted in public! The young starlet who was photographed in an icky embrace with her much older Snow White director has been out of the public eye since being kicked out of her shared home with longtime boy-toy Robert Pattinson. (She was probably pretty busy chewing her lip and sobbing inconsolably.) But today she was spotted on the streets of Los Angeles wearing... wait. RPat's baseball cap, backpack, and the ring he gave her? "Rob's not sure what she's trying to prove," said an anonymous RPat pal about the pic. "It's got him wondering what kind of mind games she's playing." Allow us to give you a hint, dear. Wearing your ex-boyfriend's things isn't "a mind game"—but if she covers her entire body in pale, glittery makeup and begins drinking blood? Start worrying.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 24
"I know who won those seven Tours, my teammates know who won those seven Tours, and everyone I competed against knows who won those seven Tours," Lance Armstrong insisted yesterday as he finally gave up his fight against accusations he used performance-enhancing drugs. While Armstrong said he'd grown sick of the "charade" and "witch hunt," his surrender stripped him of his seven Tour de France titles and his bronze medal from the 2000 Olympics. IN RELATED NEWS... Hubby Kip has defiantly written the following on the whiteboard on the fridge: "I know who won Mass Effect 3 for the seventh time, all my Xbox friends know who won Mass Effect 3 for the seventh time, EVERYONE knows who won Mass Effect 3 for the seventh time," he wrote, followed by, "just so we're clear, Annie, its me!" MEANWHILE... John Mayer has dumped Katy Perry. "She is making it seem like it wasn't serious with John, but she is hurt," a source tells Us. To provide perspective, Yahoo! OMG notes that Mayer has now broken up with Perry, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Taylor Swift, and Jennifer Aniston. And yet: John Mayer is not attractive. Truly, this is one of the great mysteries of our age.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 25
Mitt Romney is using "a secretive data-mining project that sifts through Americans' personal information—including their purchasing history and church attendance—to identify new and wealthy donors," the Guardian reports. Yes, this is exactly as creepy as it sounds. SPEAKING OF CREEPS... Right-wingers are preparing for next week's Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida! "The party platform is likely to embrace a tough anti-abortion stance and strict curbs on immigration," the New York Times reports, adding that some Republican leaders fear they're "becoming a smaller, older, whiter, and more male party." Smaller? Maybe. But it'd be impossible for Republicans to get any older, whiter, or more male. MEANWHILE... The first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, died at age 82 today. It's not an exaggeration to say that Armstrong's "giant leap for mankind" inspired an entire planet—including, most likely, Bill Nye the Science Guy, who raised the ire of biblethumpers when a video of him discussing evolution went viral this weekend. "Your world just becomes fantastically complicated when you don't believe in evolution," Nye pointed out. "I say to the grownups, if you want to deny evolution, and live in your world that's completely inconsistent with the world we observe, that's fine. But don't make your kids do it. Because we need them. We need scientifically literate voters and taxpayers for the future. We need engineers that can build stuff, solve problems." People, like, say, Neil Armstrong.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 26
Here's a terrifying thought: Rihanna Kardashian. The somewhat-less-than-bright singer—who, just last week, told Oprah that she still cared for Chris Brown, the man who brutally beat her—went on a date this weekend! Alas, it was with Rob Kardashian, a member of the anus-clenchingly horrid Kardashian family... and a man who already has a girlfriend. You sure know how to pick 'em, Ri-Ri. MEANWHILE... Shia LaBeouf is vowing only to work with auteurs like Lars von Trier, Robert Redford, and John Hillcoat, who directed the star's latest film, Lawless. LaBeef says he's done with studios, characterizing them as financiers who "give you the money, then get on a plane and come to the set and stick a finger up your ass and chase you around for five months." Thanks for the visual, Shia. We look forward to your inevitable return in Transformers 4. SORRY TO END THE WEEK ON A BUZZKILL... and this is so the last thing we want to dwell on, but here's the tweet Snooki sent out today: "I am SO IN LOVE with my son Lorenzo Dominic ! I had my little man last night, healthy at 6lbs! HE'S MY WORLD!" Snooki's publicist, meanwhile, sent out a press release: "The world just got another Guido!!!" Dears, the End of Days has come. You might know it by its other name: Jersey Shore: The Next Generation.