MONDAY, AUGUST 27
A week without Lindsay Lohan getting into deep doody is like a week without sunshine—and oh boy, is the sun shining bright! As reported last week, LiLo was whooping it up at an all-night party at a fancy-pantsy Hollyweird mansion, when suddenly... "Eeek!" squealed the mansion's owner, Sam Magid. "I've been robbed of $100,000 worth of jewelry and sunglasses!" Police arrived and cast accusing eyes on Linds and her sketchy pals (one of whom was rap producer Suge Knight's son Andrew Knight), but she skipped out before things got too hot. But here's where the Lohanigans hit the fan! Mere moments after police declared Lindsay a suspect, she sang like a bird, claiming that Suge's son was actually the thief! This caused Suge's son to also sing a merry tune, claiming that Lindsay passed him a bag containing at least two of the missing items... which he says he returned to mansion owner Magid. BUT GET THIS! Magid then told police that—gasp!—he wasn't robbed at all, and it was all a big laughable misunderstanding. (???) Unsurprisingly, the cops aren't buying Magid's stupid story, and continue to pursue Lindsay for the non-crime in question. Let's pause for a moment to wonder aloud, "What the FUCK is up with Hollywood?" MEANWHILE... At least one of our prayers have been answered because MTV has canceled the bewilderingly popular Jersey Shore—and they never cancel anything. (Except, of course, music videos.) Annoying castmember Pauly D summed up the passing of the show on Twatter thusly: "All Good Things Must Come To An End, But #TeamDJPaulyD Lives On And It's Just Getting Started !!! Tweet I AM #TeamDJPaulyD If You With Me !!!" Can someone please twatter TeamDJPaulyD and let him know McDonald's is currently hiring someone to hose out the dumpsters? We would... but we're not "with him."
TUESDAY, AUGUST 28
More cruelly hilarious news from our fave split-up of the year: Twilight's Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson! Heartbroken RoPat is selling the multi-million dollar love nest he shared with the cheating KStew because, as a loose-lipped pal tells Us magazine, "There are too many [sniff] memories." Meanwhile, according to another source, things with the philandering Ms. Stew remain virtually unchanged. "[She's] close to a total meltdown," says the source. "She isn't sleeping and she stays up all night crying." POOR KID! Let's see if we can find some news to cheer her up. Oh! Here's a related headline from Yahoo! News: "Is Rihanna Sending Robert Pattinson Flirty Texts?" Hmmmm. We'll keep looking! MEANWHILE... As you undoubtedly recall, Prince Harry got into a bit of a sticky wicket last week when pictures surfaced of him playing nudie "strip billiards" in a posh Las Vegas hotel suite. The royal family's reaction? Unsurprisingly "not amused." However, queen and country should prepare for further non-amusement, because according to a source talking to Radar Online, "There is a video of Prince Harry partying naked [and] there have been some very quiet inquiries to see how much the video is worth." OH BOY! That means we may finally get to see Prince Harry's stiff... upper lip? No? Didn't think so. Moving on.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29
If it's Wednesday, then Lindsay Lohan must be in trouble again! Today she's been banned from her swanky home away from home, the Chateau Marmont, for refusing to pay her hotel bill, which adds up to... let's see... $46,350!?! According to TMZ, the hotel's manager has repeatedly asked Linds for the dough—but hold on a hot sec, guys! Once again, IT'S NOT LINDSAY'S FAULT. You see, and... ha ha... funny story, but according to LiLo the producers of her TV movie Liz & Dick promised to pay that hotel bill, so go talk to them! Upon talking to "them," the hotel management discovered the obvious: Liz & Dick producers never promised to fulfill such a weird request, and Lindsay is, once again, full of shit. Looks like Lindsay needs a new excuse... so how about this one? SUGE KNIGHT'S SON DID IT!
THURSDAY, AUGUST 30
And now an update from our second fave split-up of the year (only because they haven't made it an embarrassing public spectacle... BOOOOO!): Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Sufficiently silenced by wads of money courtesy of the Church of Scientology, KHo is now free as a birdie—a birdie who loves expensive and exciting lingerie! A source told the National Enquirer, "Katie treated herself to a lavish post-split pick-me-up shopping spree. She splurged on nearly $15,000 worth of sexy lingerie and undergarments alone." Shockingly, Emperor Klaktu, alien warlord of Scientology's home planet Rigel VII, had no response to this piece of news other than this: "Unnnnghle-muff... unnnhh... unnnnnghle-muff." We don't even know... wait. Is he masturbating??
FRIDAY, AUGUST 31
Last night in Tampa, the conclusion of the Republican National Convention gave Americans a chance to get to know Mitt Romney. With a rousing, heartfelt speech, Romney came across as charming and compassiona—HA! JK! What actually happened was that 82-year-old Clint Eastwood babbled incoherently at an empty chair. Pretending Barack Obama was sitting in the chair that stood next to him onstage, Eastwood shouted things at the empty chair like, "What do you mean, 'shut up'?" and, "What do you want me to tell Mr. Romney? I can't tell him that! He can't do that to himself!" "Initially, there were no plans for Mr. Eastwood to take a chair onstage," the New York Times reports. "But at the last minute, the actor asked the production staff backstage if he could use one but did not explain why." "The prop person probably thought he was going to sit in it," the Times quotes a "baffled senior aide" as saying, going on to note that the "off-color appearance just moments before the biggest speech of Mr. Romney's life" was one that "seemed to startle and unsettle even the candidate's own top aides, several of whom made a point of distancing themselves from the decision to put him onstage without a polished script." MEANWHILE... Mitt Romney apparently spoke too, or something? That said, a Gallup poll noted "Romney's speech scored worse than any speech by a party nominee since 1996." Maybe you should've used Clint's chair, Mittens. MEANWHILE... And the most retweeted tweet of the whole Republican National Convention? Well, that'd be one from Barack Obama: A simple picture, taken from behind, of Obama sitting in a leather chair in the White House. A small plaque on the chair reads "The President." "This seat's taken," Obama twatted. That's what Washington insiders call "a sweet burn."
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 1
Now that Katie Holmes has escaped her Scientology prison and is currently living in a Victoria's Secret catalog, details continue to leak out about Tom Cruise's Scientology-approved "wife-auditioning process." Vanity Fair has the scoop about one such potential wife—the Iranian-born, London-raised, and formerly Scientologist actress Nazanin Boniadi, who dated Cruise from November 2004 to January 2005. (Why "formerly Scientologist"? Keep reading, dears. Keep reading.) "Initially she was told only that she had been selected for a very important mission," Vanity Fair's Maureen Orth reports. "In a month-long preparation in October 2004, she was audited every day, a process in which she told a high-ranking Scientology official her innermost secrets and every detail of her sex life.... Boniadi signed a confidentiality agreement and was told that if she 'messed up' in any way she would be declared a Suppressive Person (a pariah and enemy of Scientology)." But after Cruise found her unfit, he had his assistants dump her—and when Boniadi told a friend about the relationship, her friend reported her to Scientology officials! Boniadi's "punishment was to scrub toilets with a toothbrush, clean bathroom tiles with acid, and dig ditches in the middle of the night. After that she was sent out to sell Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard's Dianetics on street corners." "Well, how do you find mates?" Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII bellowed when asked for comment. "Don't act like you haven't had relationships that are just like that, Ann! Geez. The arrogance of some humanoids disgusts me. Now if you'll excuse me, I was in the middle of something."
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 2
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson just "single-handedly tackled a gang of burglars" while shooting Fast and the Furious 6 in East London! Dressed in character as FBI Agent Luke Hobbs, the Rock saw "thieves trying to force locks" at a nearby warehouse. "When he clocked what was happening, the 6' 5", 20-stone star left filming in the middle of a battle sequence and charged at the hoodies waving his fake police badge," the Sun reports, in the most British way imaginable. "The youths were so shocked that they stopped what they were doing and fled empty-handed." Sure, it sounds amazing now... but let's not forget the fate of most action heroes. Think of where the Rock will be in 50 years: Talking to a holo-chair at the Republican National Convention, endorsing the candidacy of Newt Gingrich the Third.