MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 10
Where is it... where is it... where... oh! Hello, dears. Just looking for our nausea medication, and—ah! Here it is. Okay, all ready. Let's begin. Today's top headline from TMZ: "Kanye West Watched Kim K Sex Tape While Banging Other Chicks." Wow. Okay, we're going to need to take some more medicine. Continuing. According to this stomach-churning article, before Kanye began dating the grotesque slithering monstrosity known as Kim Kardashian, he would watch the sex tape she made with then-boytoy Ray J in order to "get him in the mood"—while having sex with other women. We just... we just don't... BLARFF!! (There's not enough Dramamine in the world to make us continue this story!) MEANWHILE... In junior varsity Lindsay Lohan news, former teen actress Amanda Bynes—star of the cancelled Nickelodeon show All That, and heiress apparent to the LiLo throne—was photographed parked in front of a San Fernando Valley Baja Fresh restaurant, allegedly toking on a marijuana one-hitter and "chowing down on tacos." The New York Daily News reports the star was then seen driving erratically, stopping for a three-hour spa treatment, and then toking up again in the parking lot of a Home Depot. In response, Lindsay Lohan said, "I like the form and the follow-through... but next time I'd like to see a crack pipe and a guest appearance from Taco Bell."
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11
Late today Islamist militants—such nice people!—attacked an American diplomatic mission in Libya, killing US Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens and three members of his staff. According to reports, the furious rocket-firing mob was inspired to launch the attack because of an American-made video depicting the Prophet Muhammad as a buffoonish child molester. This same video has reportedly sparked similar attacks and protests throughout the region, and could possibly incite a holy war. So what's up with this video? Titled Innocence of Muslims, the ridiculously amateurish, racist, and worst of all, not-funny-in-the-least mini-film is the brainchild of filmmaker Sam Bacile (real name Nakoula Basseley Nakoula), who first identified himself as an "Israeli-born real-estate developer"—except that Israel has no record of him, and no one with that name holds a real estate license in California. As it turns out, according to Wired, Nakoula is a scam artist who's used at least 14 pseudonyms (including "Kritbag Difrat," "Ahmed Hamdy," and "PJ Tobacco") and went to prison on charges of bank fraud, for opening accounts with false names and using stolen Social Security numbers. The unfortunate actors involved with Innocence claim that they were only given a few lines at a time to perform, and upon seeing the video, discovered their voices had been overdubbed with more provocative, insulting language. Backing from the film came from evangelical organizations (surprise!) including the anti-Islamic group Courageous Christians United that also runs a paramilitary militia (surprise!) out of a church in California. When contacted by the AP, Nakoula denied having anything to do with the film. "I'm a gas station worker," he lied. "I didn't work on it, I know nothing about it. They need to blame someone." At least he's telling the truth on that last point. While radical Islamists rarely need a reason to senselessly attack and murder— apparently this ridiculous parody will do until something better comes along.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 12
EEEEEEEEEEE!!! Is it finally true?? According to London tabloid The Sun, hunky man o' our dreams George Clooney has unceremoniously DUMPED ugly string bean former wrestler Stacy Keibler, and... goddammit. "IT'S NOT TRUE," says a Clooney rep. "The story is a total fabrication designed to sell newspapers." :( Sniff. We hate publicists so much right now.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 13
Ohhhhh-kay, there's a distinct possibility we're going to need that nausea medicine again. Here's the headline from azcentral.com: "Lindsay Lohan Films Sex Scene with Charlie Sheen." Oh... god. Perhaps the details will make us feel better! Against Hollyweird's better judgment, they're letting LiLo act in another film—this one being Scary Movie 5, which also co-stars former tiger-blood enthusiast Charlie Sheen—but of course it hasn't been going well. According to the New York Post, Lindsay did not appreciate the script's biting humor (which poked fun at her less-than-stellar reputation), and actually tried to get out of the movie by blowing off script revision meetings, table readings, and wardrobe fittings. And when that didn't work? She even allegedly tried to get a doctor to write a note saying she had walking pneumonia. Unsurprisingly, Lindsay's publicist denies these reports (uh-huh... surrrrrrre) but they must have worked something out, because today our fave fucked-up starlet was back on the set and having fake on-camera sex with Charlie Sheen. BLARFFF!! (Omigod. Worst anti-nausea medication... EVER.)
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 14
After a week as wacky as hers, what other shenanigans could Amanda Bynes possibly be up to? Let's check in and see—oh. Oh, dear. "TMZ has spoken with a number of people who have had repeated contact with Bynes over the last few months, and the stories are consistent and disturbing," the site reports, adding that people from Bynes' West Hollywood gym, Equinox, have noticed the "dazed" starlet displaying "increasingly alarming signs of delusional behavior." When she's on the elliptical, according to one source, she's been "laughing hysterically for no reason," while someone who lives in Bynes' condominium complex claims to have seen her "having long conversations with inanimate objects." Oh, to be a flowerpot in Amanda Bynes' condominium complex! The secrets it must know. MEANWHILE... Across the pond, the duke and duchess of Cambridge—better known to uncouth yanks as Prince William and Kate Middleton—are suing French magazine Closer for publishing topless photos of Kate! "The complaint concerns the taking of photographs of the duke and duchess of Cambridge whilst on holiday and the publication of those photographs in breach of their privacy" a spokesperson said, making sure to use "whilst" when she didn't really need to. But oi! That's a right lot of bullocks, says Closer's lawyer, Delphine Pando! According to the BBC, Pando "said that topless photographs were no longer considered shocking in modern society." "Wait, what!" Hubby Kip shouted when he saw we were writing about Kate Middleton's breasts. "Google image search it, Annie! Google image search it!" Here, dear. Knock yourself out. We need a martini break before we have to write about what happened on Sunday, anyway.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 15
Today in Music News™, the new judges for American Idol have been announced! Diva Mariah Carey, hiphop star Nicki Minaj, and country singer Keith Urban will join boring ol' Randy Jackson this season, and we can't wait to see how this lineup... how it... and... ugh. We couldn't even bring ourselves to finish that sentence, dears. MEANWHILE... In other Music News™, professional jerk Chris Brown got a new neck tattoo... of something that looks quite a bit like the horrifying photos of Rihanna that leaked after Brown brutally beat her. "His tattoo is a sugar skull (associated with the Mexican celebration Day of the Dead) and a MAC cosmetics design he saw," Brown's spokesperson, who surely has no problems sleeping at night, told TMZ, totally not thinking about how ashamed their parents must be of them. "It is not Rihanna or an abused woman." Regardless: Stay classy, Chris, you prick. MEANWHILE... In even more Music News™, protesters have been sneaking into London music stores to covertly put a sticker on Brown's new album, Fortune. The stickers? "WARNING: DO NOT BUY THIS ALBUM! THIS MAN BEATS WOMEN." Good on you, Brits! That's the first non-idiotic bit of Music News™ we've heard whilst writing this whole column.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 16
"These girls just don't like each other," someone close to the American Idol production has blabbed to TMZ, which claims that during today's Idol taping, whenever "Nicki started critiquing a contestant, Mariah would interrupt—not once, but many times. Each time Mariah interrupted, Nicki fought back by loudly talking over Mariah." "Wait, what?" Hubby Kip shouted. "Lemme see that! Is there a catfight? Meow! Hiss! Lemme see, babe! Lemme see—oh. Lame. That's not even a good catfight." And that's what makes it so appropriate for American Idol, dear. Now give us back our laptop. MEANWHILE... Apparently Lindsay Lohan has decided to talk smack about... Amanda Bynes? "Why did I get put in jail and a nickelodeon star has had NO punishment(s) so far? +" LiLo whined to her 4,297,326 followers before getting passive aggressive: "There are moments that I appreciate my life experiences, living without regrets and Disney for supporting me as an actress- night all*" "Wait, what?" Hubby Kip shouted, running back into the room and ripping our laptop from our hands. "Starlet catfight? Meow! Hiss! Lemme see, babe! Lemme see! Maybe they'll wrestle and pull each other's hair and...." Sigh. It's all yours, dear. Actually, come to think of it... maybe someone who enjoys talking to inanimate objects would be perfect for you.