MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 17
We have but one solace: that all the utterly gross couples in Hollyweird—though they may be "happy" at the moment—will ultimately crash and burn like a damaged F-16 skidding upside down on the deck of an aircraft carrier. Here are three such couples. Cheating "trampire" Kristen Stewart has reportedly snuggled back into the spindly, luminescent arms of cuckolded Robert Pattinson! According to multiple sources, the two have engaged in at least two secret rendezvous, and according to a source gabbing to the New York Daily News, "Kristen poured her heart out to Robert and told him that [her sleazy alleged oral-sex romp with older director Rupert Sanders] was a one-off and a mistake." The source goes on to say, "After a lot of long tearful talks, they've worked it out." Take it from us, RPat—taking back a cheating partner is like picking up a free couch on the roadside. Steam-clean it first. MEANWHILE... The romance between king of all douchebags Ashton Kutcher and formerly respected Mila Kunis continues to boil over. The pair were spotted today brusquely massaging each other's tonsils in NYC's Central Park, and Ashton was even heard saying, "I love you" over a cozy cup of coffee at a local bistro, and NO THAT'S NOT ROMANTIC. It's disgusting, and Mila should have her tonsils steam-cleaned. MEANWHILE... The clearly bamboozled Kanye West continues to have feelings other than revulsion for Kim "Tarantula Vagina" Kardashian. For her upcoming 32nd birthday, he's planning an insanely expensive blowout on a private island in the West Indies, catered by a five-star chef, and gifts including new hand-picked designer clothes, a personalized Prada bag, a pink diamond bracelet, a couture Chanel dress, AND a white Persian kitten—allegedly named "Mercy." Ironic, because that's what the rest of us are crying for!!
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18
Look out, Lindsay Lohan! Though her star may not shine as bright, former child actress Amanda Bynes is nipping at your batty-as-a-bedbug heels! After having her car impounded this past weekend and being warned by a judge that he will not tolerate any more intoxicated, car-driving shenanigans, AmBy was spotted exhibiting two different types of "crazy" today. CRAZY #1: Amanda was seen shopping in a trendy West Hollywood boutique, where she took a couple of things into the dressing room, and remained there for nearly TWO HOURS. Employees claim they would hear weird banging sounds coming from inside, though she refused their offers of help, repeatedly saying, "I need more time." Eventually she came out and purchased some stilettos, a pair of sunglasses, and a bathing suit top that she had forgotten was still underneath her shirt. CRAZY #2: After exhibiting bizarre behavior at her gym last week, Amanda was kicked out of her spinning class for (a) wandering aimlessly around the studio, (b) removing her shirt to reveal a "tiny black strapless push-up bra... not a sports bra" according to a witness, and (c) reaching into her Louis Vuitton bag, finding her makeup, and spending the next 25 minutes applying it while the spinning class watched in horror. LINDSAY? IT'S OFFICIAL: YOU HAVE SOME COMPETITION.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19
And Lindsay Lohan immediately strikes back! Obviously infuriated that Amanda Bynes is cutting into her "insane young starlet" niche, LiLo has one-upped AmBy by allegedly sideswiping a pedestrian, and getting arrested for leaving the scene of the crime. Lindsay was on her way to the trendy Dream club in New York's Chelsea district, at which point 34-year-old Jose Rodriguez claims the starlet bumped him with her car, injuring his knee. He also claimed that she reeked of booze. Lindsay was arrested by police on her way out of the club, but appeared sober and was not given a Breathalyzer test. Lohan rep Steve Honig calls the incident "much ado about nothing," and Slash (yes, that Slash formerly of Guns N' Roses) swears up and down on his Twatter machine that "the situation last night w/Lindsay was a lame paparazzi stunt. She didn't do anything. it's being blown out of proportion." Lindsay was backstage at Slash's concert before the incident—though she might not want to use him as a character witness. How about Amanda Bynes instead? She's much crazier in comparison. (Though it's not a competition. Yes, it is.)
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 20
According to InStyle magazine, worst person in the world (other than Kim Kardashian) Gwyneth Paltrow only lets her children watch TV if it's in "French or Spanish." Because she's the worst person in the world (other than, of course, Kim Kardashian).
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 21
Today the Paul Thomas Anderson film The Master—based loosely on the early days of Scientology and its leader, L. Ron Hubbard—opened across the country, where it received a lot of critical attention and—"Make sure to go out to the movies this weekend!" bellowed Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, the Official Spokesalien for Scientology. "There are a number of fantastic films playing, like... um... Dredd 3D! And... ah... Finding Nemo 3D! Everyone loves that cute l'il Nemo! And... uh... I heard Moonrise Kingdom was alright? Yeah, I think I heard that. So, uh, if you want to see a movie this weekend, remember there are tons to choose from! JUST DO NOT SEE THE MASTER, OR I SHALL INCINERATE YOUR HUMANOID CRANIUM WITH THE BLISTERING HEAT OF 1,000 PLASMID SUNS. CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED." MEANWHILE... Mitt Romney, in an apparent effort to distract people from his spectacular face plant earlier this week (when a secretly shot video captured Romney telling rich donors that 47 percent of Americans "pay no income tax" and "are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing") finally released his tax returns! Well... sort of. Romney released his 2011 returns, and then he got a special note from his accountants that summarized his returns from 1990-2009. "Tax law experts say the release[s]... will do little to silence questions about Mr. Romney's past tax liability," the BBC observes, "including the source of a $100 million retirement account and the tax advantages of his offshore investments." Nice try, Mittens.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 22
Today at the Bronx Zoo, 25-year-old David Villalobos leapt from a train and into the enclosure of Bashuta, a male Siberian tiger—where he stayed for about 10 minutes, sustaining "bites and punctures on his arms, legs, shoulders, and back, and a broken arm and a leg." According to the Associated Press, New York Police Department spokesman Paul Browne reported Villalobos' "leap was definitely not a suicide attempt, but a desire to be one with the tiger," adding Villalobos bragged to police "he was able to pet the tiger before zookeepers came to his rescue." IN RELATED NEWS... "That's a grrrreat idea! Maybe you could go to the zoo this weekend! Hooray, the zoo! Who wants to sit inside a dark, stuffy movie theater when there are Tranxaian beetletargs to pet?" Emperor Klaktu helpfully suggested. "What's that, Ann? Your Earth zoos 'don't have' Tranxaian beetletargs? Ugh. Your dumb planet is so crappy. Still! Even a crappy Earth zoo is better than that Master trash! HEED MY WARNINGS, EARTHLINGS, OR PERISH IN TERROR."
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
"It depends on the quality of the tape, the length, the lighting, the sex. But something like this could go for a couple of million dollars." That's Vivid Video founder/pornography scholar Steve Hirsch, discussing a—brace yourselves, dears—Kanye West sex tape that's been making the rounds. (Thank heaven for small favors: The tape reportedly features West with one of his exes, not the mentally deficient soul-succubus Kim Kardashian. Phew.) West's lawyers were quick to send out grumpy letters to any and all websites mentioning the tape, threatening, "We hereby demand that you immediately cease and desist from posting, advertising, marketing, displaying, and dissemin—" "Yo, lawyers, I'm really happy for you, Imma let you finish, but I have two sex tapes!" proclaims Kanye! Well, okay, he didn't say that exactly, but TMZ's still reporting there's a second Kanye West sex tape. "Both tapes are impressively long—the first is roughly 20 minutes," TMZ says, "and the second is more than 40. And we're talking constant action. Seriously, the guy takes no breaks. It's incredible. Almost Sting-like." It's days like these, dear readers, that we question the decisions we've made in life, and wonder whether we want to continue writing One Day at a Ti—"A Kanye West skin flick? Hey, there's something else you could watch instead of The Master!" Emperor Klaktu interrupted, before being interrupted by Hubby Kip. "So this is just an idea," he mused, thoughtfully stroking his chin, "but I think a pret-ty good name for a sex tape would be Imma Let You Finish." Annd we're done. See you next week, dears. Probably.