MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
In celebrity news that will make your skin crawl off your body and down the street to the nearest bar, pop starlet Rihanna tweeted her love and prayers to the former boyfriend who beat her senseless and threatened to murder her—umm, that would be Chris Brown. The R&B singer is still on probation for the attack, and was due at a probationary hearing today when RiRi posted the following Twatter: "Praying for you baby, my best wishes are with you today! Remember that whatever God does in our lives, it is WELL DONE!!! #1Love" Okay... that's really gross. And kind ofxgives God a bad name, right? "You are totally correct, Ann," God responded from his current location on sabbatical in the French Riviera. "First, Chris Brown is a creepy douchebag, and Rihanna is apparently insane. Second, I haven't dabbled in the lives of humans since you were created, and claiming that I am doing ANYTHING... whether it's 'well' or not... is just humanity's way of not accepting responsibility for their actions. Wait... in fact, I don't want anyone to know I exist. Forget I said that and leave me alone! I'm on sabbatical!" MEANWHILE... In news that we've reported at least 1,000 times before, Lindsay Lohan was rushed to the emergency room last night for either a "bad lung infection," "walking pneumonia," or an "asthma attack" depending on which gossip site you prefer. She was reportedly given some antibiotics and sent home so she could continue her healthy lifestyle of staying out all night, putting herself in intensely criminal situations, and smoking 27 cartons of Kools a week. (We don't understand! Why do these bad things keep happening to her??)
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
Ohboyohboyohboyohboy, we love "conspiracy theories" and this is the best one we've heard since 9/11 was an "inside job" perpetrated by our government who also wants to poison us with fluoride. As we gleefully reported last week, while most celebs only have one sex tape, Kanye West has TWO—one of which involves a Kim Kardashian look-alike. OR IS IT?!? According to the Examiner, Kanye's sex pal wasn't a look-alike but the actual Kim Kardashian—and the pair has paid off (to the tune of six figures) look-alike aspiring model Mony Monn to claim she was the one in the video. Why? Because at the* time the sex tape was made, Kim was still oh-so-happily betrothed to lumbering drool-bucket Kris Humphries. Here are three good reasons why this glorious theory cannot be true: (1) It's too good to be true. (2) Neither Kanye nor Kim is smart enough to pull this off. And (3) if it were true, Kim's mom Kris Jenner would've already marketed and sold 50 million copies worldwide. Autographed. MEANWHILE... if you're wondering how this day could possibly get any more disgusting, here's how: Unrepentant creep Chris Brown and Nicole Scherzinger—former Pussycat Doll and "#3 Most Despicably Grotesque Person in the World (following Kim K and Gwyneth Paltrow)"—were seen smooching in a LA nightclub. "They were dancing close for a while and being all touchy-feely and finally Chris leaned into her," a gagging witness told X17online. "She put her head on his shoulder and they started kissing!" Nicole's publicist obviously denies the charge—because (duh) where are the bruises to prove it?
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
Yet more terrible news! According to multiple sources, heart-smashing cheater Kristen Stewart may be getting back together with dreamy dumb-butt Robert Pattinson—and perhaps even shacking up? Us magazine quotes a source who claims that they "are living together and have reconciled," while Italian tabloid Grazia says it's only for a trial period. "[Robert] has agreed to give it a month to see if they can make it work," a snoopy spy says. "If they can't, he says he'll walk away." Hear that, Kristen? ONE MONTH. See if you can keep your mouth off other people's genitals until then.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
In potentially fantastic news... is Tom Cruise finally leaving the Church of Scientology? The religious organization that inspired Tom to hop around on Oprah's couch like a fool may be losing their patron saint, according to Star magazine. "[Tom's] finally seeing that being such an advocate for Scientology hasn't served him as well as he hoped," says an insider. "He's gone through three divorces, and his public perception has sunk to an all-time low." Oh-ho-ho! We wonder what Emperor Klaktu, the ruling warlord of Rigel VII and Scientology spokesalien has to say about... "NO TIME TO TALK, ANN!" Klaktu squealed frantically over intergalactic holotube. "We must immediately lure Tom back into the fold! Quick! What's the number for 1-800-Flowers?"
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
Okay, dears, let's start this weekend off right, shall we, with some hilarious gossipy tidbit—oh, wait. No, we can't do that. First we have to get through some horrible things. And then we can enjoy the weekend! Okay. Deep breaths. FIRST... This weekend, the number of American deaths in the Afghanistan War hit 2,000. (Friendly reminder! We're still totes at war in Afghanistan.) SECOND... Eager to satisfy their viewers' lurid demands, Fox News continues their tradition of broadcasting live high-speed car chases... a decision that backfired today in the desert outside of Phoenix, when a man being chased by police and a Fox News helicopter stopped his car. "He then put a handgun to his head and fired," according to the BBC. "We're all very sorry," TV anchor Shepard Smith said after Fox broadcast the footage. "That didn't belong on TV." Ya think? THIRD... Take it away, USA Today! "Oregon authorities know only two things for sure about the death of 70-year-old farmer Terry Vance Garner: He died Wednesday and his hogs ate most of him. A relative found Garner's dentures and pieces of his body in the hog enclosure." Moving on. FOURTH... Beyoncé hired designer Ruthie Davis to create a "custom-made pair of bedazzled sneakers for Beyoncé and Jay-Z's daughter, Blue Ivy." The Daily Mail points out that they're adorned with $800 worth of amethyst Swarovski crystals. Also? Blue Ivy is eight months old, and cannot walk.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
"At the insistence of his mentor, Usher, Justin Bieber agreed to go vegan," reports Celebitchy—but it didn't go well. "His mood took a major dive—he was such a brat," a source tells Star. Even Das Bieb's girlfriend, Selena Gomez, got fed up. "She has encouraged the health kick, but told him to drop it," the source continues. "She said that being vegan turned Justin into a jerk." Ugh. Vegans.... IN TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS... Tonight in Glendale, Arizona, Justin Bieber kicked off his "Believe" tour, performing to a packed stadium of screeching tweens and keeping in perfect time with his troupe of backup dancers! He then turned his back to the crowd, bent over, put his hands on his knees, and vomited all over the stage. Good day.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
Lindsay Lohan has informed police she was assaulted "by a man she had just met," according to TMZ. It went down in Lohan's New York City hotel room, where Lohan and a man she met at a Chelsea nightclub "got into an argument... after Lindsay noticed the man had taken photos of her on his phone." "Our sources say Lindsay told police she confronted the man about the pics and he threw her on the bed, causing scratches on her hands," TMZ continues. "We're told Lindsay ran out of the room, but returned later. When she did, Lohan claims the man attacked her, choked her, threw her to the ground, and climbed on top of her." Lohan's entourage reportedly pulled him off, Lindsay pulled the fire alarm, and the man—Christian LaBella, a 25-year-old employee of Illinois Congressman John Shimkus, and whose Facebook page features photos of him with Kim Kardashian—was arrested and then released. "He isn't going to get away with this," Lohan told the New York Post. "I'm in shock and it was a really scary situation." LaBella, who was released from police custody shortly after being arrested, is also "in shock about how the media has twisted this story," according to his uncle, Peter Jessop. Maybe LiLo's causing another ruckus, maybe LaBella's a creep, or maybe Uncle Pete doesn't know what he's talking about—WHO KNOWS. It's the Lohan Zone! It's like The Twilight Zone, but trashier. MEANWHILE... ET Online has, for some reason, asked Lindsay's mom, Dina Lohan, for advice for the parents of another wayward starlet, Amanda Bynes. "Just be around," Dina wisely pontificated. "It's hard when your daughter's not, you know, over 18 [Note: Amanda, like Lindsay, is 26], and you want to let them go... and they want to, you know, feel like they're in control of themselves. So it's a very strategic place for a parent to be, but she'll be okay." Hear that, Mr. and Mrs. Bynes? Lindsay Lohan's mom wants you to know your daughter will be okay! Time to panic.