MONDAY, OCTOBER 1
Sometimes there's little choice but to start the week off in a terrible, terrifying manner. The New York Post reports that abusive douche-hole Chris Brown and former gal-pal Rihanna (who he mercilessly beat down prior to the 2009 Grammys) were spotted locking themselves in a NYC club bathroom for 20 minutes—and... can we assume they weren't flossing their teeth? Earlier, snoopy spies spotted RiRi entering the trendy Griffin nightclub, at which point, "Chris made his way over to Rihanna. He raised his shirt and was dancing promiscuously." OMIGOD THAT IS THE WORST SENTENCE EVER UTTERED IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE. The snoop continues: "Then they started dancing together and hugging and kissing in front of everyone." Stunned (and probably disgusted) onlookers then saw the pair go into the bathroom, and when Rihanna finally emerged, she "seemed a little ruffled"—which we suppose is a step up from having one's face beaten to a pulp. The pair then left separately—but hours later, Chris was spotted leaving the Gansevoort Hotel, where (surprise!) Rihanna was staying. In a related story, VOMIT. MEANWHILE... The most annoying rapper in the world and therefore American Idol judge Nicki Minaj went on a backstage tirade against co-judge/demanding diva Mariah Carey today, screaming at anyone who would listen, "I told them I'm not fuckin' putting up with her fucking highness [Mariah] over there. Figure it the fuck out." Nicki also allegedly threatened that "if I had a gun I would shoot her." Nicki later denied that final allegation—probably realizing that being sent to prison for murder wouldn't help her career. (Hint: Being less annoying and a better rapper might help her career.)
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 2
Oh, and we mentioned that Chris Brown currently has had a girlfriend for over a year, right? Oh. Well, he has had a girlfriend—for over a year. And that unlucky girlfriend is model Karrueche Tran, who after reading in the papers about Brown's bathroom canoodle with Rihanna had this to say in her Twatter machine: "There's a difference between a man and a boy. I prefer men." Speaking on behalf of the women of the world, we'd prefer it if Karrueche and Rihanna didn't make the rest of us look like idiots. Thank you, and good day. MEANWHILE... Speaking of train wrecks, did anyone watch tonight's presidential debate? YEEEESH. There is absolutely no excuse for President Obama's poor performance... but former Vice President Al Gore tried to come up with one anyway. "Obama arrived in Denver at 2 pm today—just a few hours before the debate started," Gore said on his Current TV show. "Romney did his debate prep in Denver. When you go to 5,000 feet and you only have a few hours to adjust... I don't know." Go back to explaining global warming, Al. You make more sense.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 3
Bad news and FANTASTIC news! Bad news first: Serial dickhead Chris Brown has dumped longtime girlfriend Karrueche Tran, because... we wonder why? "I have decided to be single to focus on my career," the clearly lying Brown told Us magazine. "I love Karrueche very much [I'm lying again], but I don't want to see her hurt over my friendship with Rihanna [Remember her? The 'friend' I nearly beat to death?]. I'd rather be single allowing us to both be happy in our lives [and I'm only truly happy when beating women]." THE FANTASTIC NEWS: According to multiple media outlets including the NY Daily News, the inconceivable relationship between gorgeous man-of-our-dreams George Clooney and that string bean ex-wrestling witch Stacy Keibler is "almost kaput." "They're barely talking," says one snooper spy. "She is worried that he may break up with her any day now." Yessssssss! Now's our chance! HUBBY KIP! Clear today's calendar, and toss us the car keys! We've got an emergency waxing appointment at Bikini Away!
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 4
Speaking of potentially fantastic news, there's the slightest possibility that Kanye West may finally be coming to his senses and realizing that his gross girlfriend Kim Kardashian is... umm... GROSS. As you know, KanWe fancies himself a clothing designer—even though his line of frocks have been savaged by critics at previous Paris Fashion Weeks. Well, according to the NY Daily News, Kanye had no intention of bringing Kim to this year's fashion week in Paris, because... well.... "He didn't think it was good for his reputation," a Kanye cohort told the paper. Other sources agree, adding, "He's uncomfortable bringing" the universally loathed reality star, because he "wants to be taken seriously." HAHAHAHAAAA yesssssss. Mark this day on your calendars, dears! In years to come we'll be referring to it as "Kanye Finally Woke the Fuck Up" Day.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 5
Well, our appointment at Bikini Away was supposed to be this morning, but we cancelled it because everything is horrible. The love of our life, George Clooney, inexplicably showed up with dimwitted trollop Stacy Keibler to the premiere of Argo last night, and didn't they look just delighted to be with each other. Hmph. Let's move on to Saturday, shall we?
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6
Regular readers of One Day at a Time will no doubt remember last week's Pulitzer-nominated coverage of "The Justin Bieber Vomiting Incident," in which we wrote with accuracy and sensitivity about Justin Bieber vomiting onstage. ("He then turned his back to the crowd, bent over, put his hands on his knees, and vomited all over the stage," Portland Mercury, One Day at a Time, Oct 4.) THIS IS RELEVANT `BECAUSE... Perhaps under the mistaken impression that vomiting onstage is what tweens are into these days, Lady Gaga "surprised fans when she vomited four times live on stage during a concert last week in Barcelona," the Daily Mail reports under the headline "A Sickening Performance." "Ever the professional, Gaga valiantly did more dance moves in between throwing up even more while her male dancer tried his best to obscure the view by staying in front of her," the Mail notes, adding, "The 'Poker Face' star held up her own hair as she avoided getting any mess on herself before standing erect and bouncing across the stage to entertain the audience." Perhaps Gaga was just ill... or perhaps the headline from another British rag got to her: The Sun's "Porker Face!" "Lady Gaga is said to have gained more than TWO STONE as she parties her way round the world on tour," the Sun claims. "And experts are suggesting that she has piled on the pounds through her love of booze." No, dears, we don't know how many pounds are in "two stone." It's probably about what Justin Bieber weighs?
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 7
Moving on from vomit news, it's time for a Hollyweird Hook-Update! (We just came up with that!) FIRST! Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are "officially a couple again," says People, which claims RPatz has forgiven KStew for her fling (oral sex) with that guy who directed that Snow White movie. SECOND! Comedian David Cross has married that girl who was in that Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movie! Amber Tamblyn is 29 and Cross is 48, and while normally that might be kind of creepy, in this case we declare it to be adorable. THIRD! Jennifer Aniston is prancing about Hollywood, whinnying at everyone in earshot to look at the engagement ring Justin Theroux just got her! Our congratulations go out to the brave blacksmith who somehow managed to forge a diamond onto a horseshoe. FOURTH! Katy Perry and John Mayer are dunzo! While Radar reports Mayer had attempted to change his "legendary ladies' man" ways for the pop starlet ("John realizes now that it made him appear a bit of a douchebag," a source correctly told them), that didn't last long. "She needs the guy to be onboard 100 percent and she was sick of John disappearing for five days at a time, then booty calling her, then straightening up and treating her well, only to go back to his old behavior a few days later." Douchebag. FIFTH! The world's sweetest couple, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman, who have been together since the Pleistocene Era, have separated. This is the most heartbreaking news we can possibly imagin—SIXTH! "So much for those split rumors!" x17online.com reports, noting at today's Obama fundraiser, George Clooney showed up with Stacy Keibler on his arm, and didn't they look just peachy. Excuse us, dears. Our puke bucket awaits.