HULK HOGAN Hulk borrows Bubba's "love sponge." GROSS!!!

MONDAY, OCTOBER 8

Last week we dutifully reported that unrepentant douche/chucklehead Chris Brown broke up with longtime gal-pal Karrueche Tran AFTER he was caught canoodling in a bathroom with Rihanna—you know, the girl he nearly beat to death. Well, it's a new week, and Chris has discovered yet another way to deepen his douchiness. According to Radar Online, Chris has been calling and texting his ex-girlfriend Karrueche, begging for forgiveness and insisting that she's the only woman for him. BLECHHHH! Luckily Karrueche doesn't want anything to do with the creepy cad. "She wants a break from all of this drama," says a snoopy source, "and knows that Chris wants whatever he can't have." We know how you feel, Chris! We want you in prison... and we can't have it. MEANWHILE... And just so you know, in preface to this next story, we don't know anything about professional wrestling—because we're an adult, and not a chubby 13-year-old that wears dental headgear to bed. Ahem... former pro wrestler Hulk Hogan announced on The Howard Stern Show that he did indeed bang Heather Clem (?), the wife of his best friend, Bubba the Love Sponge (??), on the now infamous leaked sex tape—and he had Bubba's permission to do so. WOW and GROSS! (They sound like characters from a Nickelodeon cartoon!) Naturally, Ms. Clem is devastated. "Heather didn't want her friends and family knowing that she had sex with Hulk Hogan—he's very corny," a source told Radar Online. "What's worse is Hulk's interruptions [during the act]—stopping Heather when she's performing a sex act to check his cell phone and then admitting he felt like a pig because he ate too much... the video makes her look like a piece of meat." As a reminder to all our readers... WE DO NOT MAKE THIS STUFF UP. (Next week on Nickelodeon, Bubba the Love Sponge Burns His Sheets.)

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 9

As also reported in One Day last week, ear-damaging rapper Nicki Minaj went off on her American Idol co-judge Mariah Carey, screaming, "I'm not fuckin' putting up with her fucking highness [Mariah] over there." For reasons unknown, someone decided to tell Fleetwood Mac's Stevie Nicks about what happened, and the 64-year-old rocker offered some calm, measured advice. "If I had been Mariah," Stevie said to The Daily, "I would have walked over to Nicki and strangled her to death right there." Wait... um... what? "I would have killed her in front of all those people and had to go to jail for it," Stevie went on to say. Can someone PLEASE fire Randy Jackson, and get Stevie Nicks on American Idol? Like... yesterday?

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 10

Again... just to reiterate... WE DO NOT MAKE THIS STUFF UP. Early this morning, One Day all-star Lindsay Lohan and her mother Dina Lohan got into an insane screaming battle in the back of a limo that ended with a 911 call to police. The pair had reportedly been partying all night, and were headed back to Dina's mansion when the argument started—apparently over mom owing LiLo $40,000 to keep Dina's home out of foreclosure. As the fight progressed, Linds called deadbeat dad Michael Lohan, screaming the following: "Dad! [Mom's] on cocaine! She's touching her neck and shit!" "She said disgusting things to me... I'm dead to her." "This is what you do... you ruin people!" "She's like the fucking devil right now!" (Lindsay also complained of her mom gashing her leg with a diamond bracelet... which sounds like a classic "first world problem" to us.) At this point, papa Michael thought it best to call 911—even though at this point, the Lohans need a personal emergency line. He told police that Lindsay was being "kidnapped," and the cops basically (and rightly) responded "bullshit"—but showed up at the mansion anyway along with a throng of reporters... AND the poor banker who was trying to foreclose on the house! He did the sane thing, and ran for his life. And the best, most awesome part of all? Lindsay's publicist Steve Honig—who has been quickly responding and staunchly defending every wrong move LiLo has made for nearly two years, had this to say about the incident: "No... comment." Clap! Clap! Clap! (That's us giving Honig the "1980s movie cafeteria slow clap" standing ovation. You've earned it, sir!)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 11

And now it's time for your "Understatement of the Day!" As you undoubtedly know, creepy d-bag Ashton Kutcher is still legally married to his former longtime love Demi Moore—and yet is very hot 'n' heavy with Esquire's "sexiest woman alive," 29-year-old Mila Kunis. So. How exactly does the 49-year-old Demi feel about that? According to a close pal of Demi speaking to Us magazine, "Well... she's not psyched." And THAT ladies and gentlemen is your "Understatement of the Day!" (If not the century.)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 12

Throwing a wrench into plans for Kourtney and Kim Take Miami, "The Kardashians' hopes of renting a beach home on the Sunset Islands, DiLidi Island, and on North Bay Road were blocked by irate neighbors," Radar reports. The heroic "residents kicked up a stink" when learning of the possible Kardashian infestation—forcing the Kardashians to film nearly 14 miles away, in North Beach, a somewhat less ideal location. "The area is known for its hourly hotels, strip clubs, and high crime rate," a source gabs. "It's a far cry from their usual posh digs, with just a 7-Eleven and an abandoned old bank close by." Do you realize what this means, dears? If we can get North Beach to kick them out too, and then get the people who live wherever they go next to kick them out, and then keep that up all over the world? The Kardashians will have nowhere left to go, and we'll be rid of them forever, and they'll be banished to outer space! Victory! Victory at last! ALAS... "Ha! Nice try, Ann," bellowed Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. "Clearly you're unaware that your backwater cesspool of a planet is currently being used as an intergalactic detention facility for the universe's foulest and most irredeemable creatures—like the Kardashians. If the Gralbanthian Space Prison Guards currently orbiting your planet have anything to say about it—and, heh, I think they do—you're stuck with them!" Dammit, Klaktu. We were so close.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 13

"The American soft-drink industry, joined by several New York restaurant and business groups, filed a lawsuit on Friday that aims to overturn restrictions, proposed by Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg and approved by the board of health, on sales of large sugary drinks," says the New York Times. Infuriated that Bloomberg is trying to curtail sales of obscenely huge doses of sugar water, the American Beverage Association aims to fight for their right to be one of the major causes of Americans' morbid obesity and recreational diabetes. Good hustle, guys, but we're hoping Bloomberg wins this one—sure, he's a finger-wagging, domineering force who likes to boss people around... but jesus, America, have you seen yourselves? MEANWHILE... Veep wannabe Paul Ryan "ramrodded" his way into an Ohio soup kitchen today so he "could get his picture taken washing dishes in the dining hall," reports the Washington Post. "Ryan had stopped by the soup kitchen for about 15 minutes on his way to the airport. By the time he arrived, the food had already been served, the patrons had left, and the hall had been cleaned." That didn't stop Ryan, who barged in as "photographers snapped photos and TV cameras shot footage of Ryan and his family washing pots and pans that did not appear to be dirty." "The photo-op they did wasn't even accurate," says Brian J. Antal, the beleaguered head of the soup kitchen. "He did nothing. He just came in here to get his picture taken at the dining hall... They just showed up here and they did not have permission." Ugh. Paul Ryan. Sometimes you are worse than a Kardashian. Yes. We said it. We said it! We aren't taking it back!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 14

Today Bill Murray showed up at an adult kickball game in New York City. At about 2 pm, Chris DiLilla and his pals were playing a game on Roosevelt Island when Murray "popped out of nowhere," DiLilla tells EW. "He was bouncing the ball... ran over to second base... played for a bit... gave us all high-fives and let us pose with him in [a] picture." He then went over to one of the players' moms—the one who took said picture—and "picked her up in his arms." And then? Then he vanished, leaving that little corner of the world a better place than he found it. See? Even with tragedies like Hulk Hogan boning and Paul Ryan being a Kardashian, good things can happen on our backwater cesspool of a planet. Mostly when Bill Murray's nearby.