MONDAY, OCTOBER 15
We'd like it to be known that we do not approve of the timing of this! As you certainly know, Twilight's Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart had a train wreck of a breakup when KStew was caught red-handed shtupping her gross, old Snow White and the Huntsman director—which had us rubbing our dainty hands with glee over the coming insanely awkward Twilight press appearances where they'd be forced to appear together and feign happiness! Unfortunately, RPat has fallen victim to the moaning wails and watery puppy dog eyes of KStew—and has apparently taken her back! NOOOOOOO! They're ruining our chance to mercilessly mock their sorrow! Not only was this cuddly couple spotted over the weekend in heavy canoodle mode at Hollywood's fancy Chateau Marmont, but also at the downtrodden Ye Rustic Inn where the pair were reportedly "laughing," looking "happy," and "everything seemed great." GODDAMMIT! Even worse, according to People magazine, Kristen has purchased a home just a mile and a half from Pattinson's house in Los Feliz! GROOOOOAN. How could something that was so ecstatically bad, turn into something so disappointingly good? MEANWHILE... Halloween is on its way, which means evil, harpy tramp Kim Kardashian is trying to decide on a costume that will make her appear more grotesque than she already is. (Impossible... but whatever.) Yesterday she twattered a picture of herself dressed in a "sexy jaguar" costume (blech!) which naturally exposed 9/10ths of her breasts, and brought ample attention to her eternal camel toe. That's all we have to say about that... other than, of course, we hate her soooooo much.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 16
In political news, President Barack Obama came roaring back from a lackluster first debate performance to put annoying rich honky Mormon Mitt Romney in his place during the second of three presidential debates. However, that wasn't the best news the Obama campaign received today: Lindsay Lohan has endorsed Mitt Romney. At an event in Beverly Hills, LiLo says the Republican candidate has her full backing because, "I just think employment is really important right now." (Especially her employment, right?) Naturally, Lindsay neglected to mention she's not even registered to vote. You know, we almost feel sorry for Mitt... heh, heh, hehhhhh. Almost. MEANWHILE... While Lindsay may be as dumb as a box of learning-disabled hammers, she's still got a few tricks up her sleeve. As mentioned a month or so ago in One Day, Lindsay owed Hollywood's posh Chateau Marmont a whopping $46,000 for her recent extended stay, as well as use of their mini-bar ($3,100) and sucking down thousands of their cigarettes ($686). She was trying to get her Liz & Dick producers to foot the bill, and at first they refused, because... well, fuck her, right? However, they quickly changed their minds after Barbara Walters came calling for a pre-Liz & Dick interview with Lindsay—and she was all like, "Oh... I don't think so. It's soooo hard to promote this movie when I have that pesky Chateau Marmont bill hanging over my head." Long story short, the bill is now paid, and Lindsay will be having a cozy little sitdown with Barbara Walters in the next week or so. You win this round, Lindsay... but seriously? What producer is EVER going to work with a box of hammers again?
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 17
Great news for the Mitt Romney campaign: President Obama just received the non-coveted Honey Boo Boo endorsement. Or as she called him on Jimmy Kimmel Live, "Marack Obama." And we're all tied up. MEANWHILE... As revoltingly explained in last week's column, the Hulk Hogan sex tape (yuck!) was released, and his partner was revealed to be the unlikely named Heather Clem, who was apparently given permission to screw Hulk by her even unlikelier-named hubby, Bubba the Love Sponge. This week Hulk is still madder than a steroid-enhanced hornet over the tape (and his poor sexual performance within, undoubtedly) and has sworn he will sue website Gawker (who first released it on the internet) for $100 million in damages, as well as Heather and Bubba for a yet-to-be specified amount. We'll keep you up to date on any developments, including any information on what a "Bubba the Love Sponge" is.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 18
In hilariously unrealistic never-gonna-happen news, Us is reporting that dreamboat Justin Timberlake is going to (snicker) marry muslin-covered skeleton Jessica Biel (HA!) this weekend. (Right, as if!) In a related story, Justin will also get a perm with frosted tips, and dump his acting career to hit the road in a concert tour with *NSYNC and former members of the Mickey Mouse Club. (Yeah, Jessica... good luck with that wedding thing. AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.)
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 19
Last night—roughly three hours after her concert at the Pepsi Center in Denver, Colorado, was scheduled to begin—Madonna doddered onstage. Eager to show the kids today she's still got it, Grandmadonna began her belated show with her song "Gang Bang," and take a wild guess what her props were? "Really, Madonna? Keep Denver waiting three hours, then open with guns? And pretend to shoot people in front of the theater?" one attendee tweeted. Colorado, you might remember, is the state in which mass shootings are a daily occurrence—and even though fans stormed out, Madonna sucked in her dentures and released a "bizarre, rambling" statement, insisting the guns were "symbols of wanting to appear strong and wanting to find a way to stop feelings that I find hurtful or damaging. In my case it's wanting to stop the lies and hypocrisy of the church, the intolerance of many narrow-minded cultures and societies I have experienced throughout my life and in some cases the pain I have felt from having my heart broken." Ugh. We traded you in for Britney a decade ago, Madonna. Now pick up your walker and get back to the home in time for supper. MEANWHILE... After calling deposed Community creator Dan Harmon "fat," "an alcoholic," and a "goddamn asshole," Chevy Chase continues to make the Community set a delightful place to work! Today, for example, he "had another outburst, this time featuring the N-word," according to Deadline. The cast—which features, shall we say, a few people of color—was less than pleased. Something tells us Chevy and Madonna will have a lot to talk about this evening as they gum their prunes and watch Lawrence Welk.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 20
"It's great to be married, the ceremony was beautiful, and it was so special to be surrounded by our family and friends," Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel tell People about their top-secret $6.5 million wedding in Southern Italy, which was preceded by a week's worth of parties, bike rides, and fireworks. Okay. So... um... please disregard our entry for Thursday, October 18. We can't be right all the time, dears. And honestly—who didn't think JT was going to find someone better? Someone who looked a bit less like a dehydrated bog corpse, maybe? MOVING ON... "Jessica's hitched and now she's ready for a baby as soon as possible!" an excitable source gabs to Radar Online about how Biel is digging her creepy, zombie-like fingers deep into Justin. "After her dream Italian wedding, Jessica told Justin that she is ready to have his children.... It couldn't be a more perfect time to start making babies—they both have a break in their schedules!" WHAT IS HAPPENING?
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 21
Let's check in on Ohio—the state that matters exactly once every four years! "There have already been complaints that broken [voting] machines were not being quickly replaced in precincts that tend to lean Democratic," Forbes reports. Hmm. That's unfortunate. "The machines used in Hamilton County, Ohio—the county home of Cincinnati—are supplied by Hart Intercivic, a national provider of voting systems," Forbes continues. Hmmm. Okay. But wait! Turns out Hart Intercivic is owned by H.I.G. Capital, the 11th largest corporate contributor to Mitten Romney's presidential campaign—and that two of the men who sit on Hart Intercivic's board of directors, men who make voting machines for a living, have donated directly to Romney. "Hopefully, everything will go swimmingly in Cincinnati on Election Day. And, if it doesn't, it will no doubt be the result of honest error," Forbes charitably concludes. "Yet, because of this uncomfortable chain of ownership, we now find ourselves with one more headache among the many headaches that accompany the important work of choosing an American president and believing that the process was a fair one." Welcome to election season in America, everybody: the only time when Hollyweird isn't the sketchiest place in the world.