MONDAY, OCTOBER 16 Kids do the darndest things! While one might think that eight-year-old Bindi Irwin—the daughter of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin (who was murdered by a rogue stingray)—would still be grieving the loss of her father, this rambunctious tyke has already moved on with her life, and is now planning her own nature TV show. Creepier still? Deceased daddy Irwin will be appearing in scenes with his living daughter that were shot before his death. Says Irwin manager John Stainton, "We'll never refer to the fact that Steve is no longer with us." That sounds healthy. "Daddy's not dead, dear... he's a ghost!" Nevertheless, the precocious Bindi has the best of intentions with her new series, claiming, "I'm trying to get across the message that don't be afraid of animals, they're just put on this earth to help the environment and everything like that." Except for stingrays, right? Mean, evil stingrays that are DADDY KILLERS!! Meanwhile... Speaking of people who should have no interaction whatsoever with children (and we include ourselves), fading Queen of Pop Madonna jumped on the Angelina Jolie bandwagon this week, and purchased her very own African orphan. Well, not exactly an orphan... but what do you call it when daddy is still alive, and sells you to a celebrity? Regardless, while human-rights groups are protesting the "adoption," claiming that Madge was given special treatment from the Malawian government, the singer and hubby Guy Ritchie deny the accusations, saying that she hopes that her actions will "help bring attention to how much more the world needs to do to help the children of Africa." Meanwhile, according to FemaleFirst.com, Britney Spears was also interested in adopting an African baby, until Madonna told her, "Ummmm... by 'the world,' I didn't mean you. Learn how to install a car seat, and get back to me."
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 17 In order to accelerate his "healing process," Republican pedophile ex-Congressman Mark Foley has exposed the priest who allegedly molested him as a boy—ostensibly setting Foley on the path to sending dirty text messages to underage Congressional pages. And now, that same priest has spoken out to—well... not exactly deny the charges. Former priest Anthony Mercieca described a few examples of behavior that might—just might—be considered inappropriate (if you're going to be all nitpicky about it). For example: swimming nude with young Foley, or massaging the boy while he was naked. Or—and this is if you really, really want to stretch things—that night Mercieca was in a drug-induced stupor and things "might have gone too far." Says the 72-year-old Mercieca, "I was going through a nervous breakdown. I was taking pills—tranquilizers. They affected my mind a little bit." (For those of you keeping score at home, don't ever take pills, drink alcohol, or be gay—unless you WANT to be a pedophile!) While Mercieca thought his actions were innocent at the time, now he sees how those nude massages could be labeled as "inappropriate." However, he has no idea why Foley is trying to attack him now. "Why does [Foley] want to destroy me in my old age?" Mercieca asked. That's a really good question to bring up the next time you two are rooming together at the NAMBLA convention.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 18 Lovers of fashion (and secretly, the boob tube) stayed in tonight to watch the grand finale of the much beloved reality show Project Runway. And after a season of making us endure the tattoos splashed across his wattles, designer Jeffrey Sebelia was the grand-prize winner, bumping off crowd favorite Michael Knight. However, Michael may have gotten an even better deal as he has been spotted in heavy canoodle mode with Brandy (AKA Moesha). During tonight's screening of the show, Runway's flamboyant season one winner Jay McCarroll apparently wanted an answer for himself, marching right up to Michael and asking, "Are you fucking Brandy?" Not to be outdone, Michael shot back, "Are you fucking Vin Diesel?" Touché! (That's why we love him, BTW.)
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 19 Welcome once again to "Divorce Thursdays" here at One Day, where every Thursday we discover which celebs are going splitsville! First up, Dancing with the Stars contestant (and country music singer) Sara Evans has quit the show and is getting a divorce, charging her hubby with both infidelity and use of pornography. Now, the infidelity charge sounds reasonable enough... but "use of pornography"?? Asking a man to stay away from porn is like asking him to pick his underwear up off the floor—IT JUST AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. Meanwhile... Remember Professor Stephen Hawking? The guy famous for writing A Brief History of Time, who rolls around in a wheelchair and talks like a robot? He's getting a divorce from his wife of 11 years, and the rumor is "that he's fallen for another woman." This should be great news for you lonely guys, because if Stephen Hawking can land a girl, why can't you? Or as he puts it, "Bzzt... There are always more sentient life forms in the biosphere... BZZT!!"
FRIDAY OCTOBER 20 Oh, finally! Finally, finally, finally. News came today that burnout/exploitative widow/wannabe rocker/horrible mother/regular of One Day at a Time Courtney Love—fresh out of her latest stint in rehab—is working on a comeback album! Courtney, it is so good to have you back. Do you have any idea how hard it has been to write this column without you? Why, in One Day's halcyon days, every single day held some delightful bit of Courtney gossip: You'd either be throwing microphones at fans, or getting naked in public, or getting arrested, or getting sent to rehab, or punching airplane stewardesses, or breaking into houses, or shooting tiny little Frances Bean full of her very first hit of heroin.... And now you're back! Working on an album entitled—we can't make this up—Letter to God. Oh, finally. Welcome back, Courtney. We can't wait to see what you'll do next!
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 21 All right. We know that sometimes—very rarely, but sometimes—One Day can seem a bit... well... far-fetched. A tad implausible. Just a titch ludicrous. Is this our fault? No! Can we help it if the real world is, at times, utterly unbelievable? No! So, dear readers, brace yourselves, because this is going to be really, really hard to believe. We promise it's true, though. According to The New York Times, "After spending billions on building up Iraqi forces, and making withdrawal contingent on that buildup, the Americans have discovered that many of the Iraqi security forces are still not ready to handle security on their own. Throughout much of [Baghdad] many Iraqis do not trust their own police forces." Why, we never! Can you believe tha—oh, wait. Wait, sorry. Actually, this story is completely, entirely, wholly, totally believable. Our mistake.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22 Say it with us: Obama in 2008! Obama in 2008! The Democratic senator (who's from Illinois, even though his name makes him sound like he represents the good citizens of Fraggle Rock) went on Meet the Press today, where he admitted that running for president in 2008 is something he's thought about "over the last several months." He added, "I have thought about the possibility, but I have not thought about it with the seriousness and depth that I think is required." Shortly thereafter, Prozac-popping Democrats cheered and clapped and danced for the first time in years, while in The New York Times, columnist Frank Rich placed the fate of the entire Democratic party on Obama's shoulders, hoping that "Obama steps up and changes the party before the party of terminal timidity and equivocation changes him." Hey, Obama—start giving this idea the serious and deep thought it requires already. Either that, or settle that feud between the Fraggles and the Doozers. They've been squabbling for ages.