MONDAY, OCTOBER 29
The Octomom saga continues—and in fact, it's been so long since we first reported on Ms. O (real name Nadya Suleman), let's briefly recap: In 2009 she had eight babies (in vitro) even though she already had six children while on public assistance, as well as allegedly having plastic surgery to look more like Angelina Jolie. OHHHH, that Octomom! Well, that Octomom checked herself into rehab today after acknowledging she's become dependent on the anti-anxiety drug Xanax (a personal fave of ours) because of stress. Her 14 kids are currently under the care of three nannies and two friends—who according to TMZ couldn't be happier with Octomom's mini-vacation. One of the nannies confessed that it's "a MILLION times" easier to take care of the kids without her around, and they are much calmer, and behaving "like angels." Errrrrr... except for perhaps Nadya's 11-year-old son, who TMZ says was caught watching masturbation porn—starring his MOTHER. (GAHHHHHH!!!) Guys! Halloween isn't supposed to be for another two days! MEANWHILE... Gorgeous, formerly thought to be smart actress Mila Kunis was seen walking hand in hand with cheating douchebag Ashton Kutcher yesterday, and according to the Daily Mail, she was sporting a... BABY BUMP. (NOOOOOO!!!!) Seriously! Cut it out! These pre-Halloween scares are gonna give us a Xanax dependency!
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30
An absolutely terrible day for our friends and readers on the East Coast as Hurricane Sandy made landfall in New Jersey, killing 69 people in the Caribbean before its arrival, and then 113 more in the states. Winds clocked in at 80 MPH, the New York subway system was flooded, and more than 217,000 people were forced to apply for assistance from FEMA—which, BTW, presidential candidate Mitt Romney once said was one of the bloated government agencies that he'd cut. (Ugh. The worst.) Our thoughts and prayers are with all of you. And by "you" we mean everyone except Mitt Romney. MEANWHILE... In what was either the most terrible, wonderful, or boring news ever—depending if you're a nerd, Hubby Kip, or ourselves... in that order—the Walt Disney Company has purchased Lucasfilm (home to all the Star Wars movies) for a whopping $4.05 billion from its creator George Lucas. Why is it "terrible"? Nerds everywhere simultaneously soiled their Batman Underoos in fear that Disney would "Disney-fy" their precious Star Wars characters. Why "wonderful"? Hubby Kip soiled his already soiled jockey shorts in anticipation of a new Star Wars movie—set to debut in 2015—that would not be ruined by the doddering hands of George Lucas. And why "boring"? Because nerdzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31
Happy Halloween, everyone! And it's become an annual Halloween tradition for us to report on what costumes the celebrities were wearing... and mercilessly mock them. Buck-toothed hillbilly popster Miley Cyrus dressed as annoying rapper Nicki Minaj in a failed attempt to cancel out her own annoyingness. Kristen Stewart wore a face-disguising mask so she wouldn't be recognized as a tramp. And Chris Brown took the racist route by dressing up as "a terrorist"—which to him means a Middle Eastern person with a turban and gun. People still recognized him as the worst person in the world, though. OH! And we almost forgot to mention that Cheers' Kelsey Grammer disguised himself as "the most terrible dad of the year" by taking his three-month-old baby Faith to the Playboy Mansion for a loud, music-blaring Halloween party. According to TMZ, the baby was apparently being monitored by a "hot chick" who was drinking, while Kelsey whooped it up with partygoer Paris Hilton. The reason Kelsey brought his baby along? "We do not have a nanny or a trusted babysitter," Grammer told TMZ. WOW. Maybe he can do a nanny-share with Octomom?
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 1
You'll all be relieved to know that Hulk Hogan has settled his sex tape lawsuit with his ex-bestie "Bubba the Love Sponge." CAN THESE PEOPLE PLEASE JUST GET REAL NAMES??? Sorry... sorry. Anyway, as reported recently in One Day, Hulk was suing Mr. Sponge for claiming that the former wrestler knew he was being recorded while having sex with Sponge's wife, and leaked the sex tape himself. While the settlement's financial terms weren't released, Monsieur Love Sponge was ordered to make a public radio apology to Hulk, saying, "It is my belief that Hulk is not involved, and has not ever been involved, in trying to release the video, or exploit it, or otherwise gain from the video's release in any way." Hilariously, when the apology was aired, TMZ reports that "the audio was sped up and hard to listen to... just like a legal notice at the end of a car commercial." Touché, Bubba the Love Sponge, touché.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 2
Arguably the creepiest man in the world—Joe Simpson, the agent/father of Jessica Simpson—is gay, a source tells the National Enquirer! (Okay! But before we get into that, a quick refresher on Joe's parenting tactics: When Jessica was 12, he reportedly held a virginity ceremony, giving her a "promise ring" and making her promise she'd wait until marriage to have sex, vowing to her that he'd be the only man in her life until she was married. "I'm going to tell you how beautiful you are every day," Simpson reportedly told her. "And I'm going to be that person until the day you find a man to do that in my place." When Simpson married Nick Lachey in 2002, Simpson proclaimed "What better gift to give her husband? Never touched by another man." Shudder. Okay, back to the gay rumors!) "The source says the former youth pastor and Baptist minister has a twentysomething boy toy," Radar adds. "The stunning confession was the real reason wife Tina filed for divorce from Joe, her husband of 34 years, in late September." NATURALLY... A "frustrated" Joe Simpson "is telling friends and colleagues the stories that he's switched teams are absurd," TMZ claims—running their story underneath a paparazzi photo of a jaunty Joe sporting bleached highlights, a canary-yellow sweater, black jeans, and yellow-and-black sneakers. We're not saying being so matchy-matchy necessarily confirms Joe's gay, per se... but it doesn't really help his case, either. ALSO... Do you think Joe's boy toy has a virginity promise ring? Just wondering!
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 3
Amanda Bynes—the former child starlet who seems intent on inheriting Lindsay Lohan's tarnished "Gossip Queen" crown—wandered around a New York tanning salon wearing nothing but goggles, according to In Touch magazine. According to a source, Bynes "seemed totally out of it" and "didn't seem to care that everyone saw her naked." (It's worth noting that this is merely the latest problem for Bynes, who, as Us points out, "is currently facing a DUI, two hit-and-run charges, as well as two separate charges for driving with a suspended license." Thus far, Bynes' attempts to solve her legal woes have amounted to sending a tweet to a certain government figure: "Hey Barack Obama... I don't drink. Please fire the cop who arrested me. I also don't hit and run. The end.") After seeing the In Touch story, she threatened legal action. (It is unknown if Barack Obama will serve as her counsel.) "I'm suing In Touch for printing a fake story. I'm not 'troubled,'" she insisted to Us. "I don't get naked in public. I'm 26, a multimillionaire, retired. Please respect my privacy." MEANWHILE... Beach Bum Tanning CEO James Oliver, who not only has the greatest job title ever but also really is the CEO of Beach Bum Tanning, has Bynes' back! "Employee testimony and security footage have confirmed that Ms. Bynes was not acting inappropriately," he tells Us. "She is a long-time client and we stand by her account." Good enough for us! After all, if you can't trust the CEO of Beach Bum Tanning, whom can you trust?
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 4
Proving that there is exactly one sane celebrity in all of Hollyweird, Katy Perry is putting some distance between herself and her former BFF Rihanna. Why? Perry "reportedly thinks Rihanna is 'making a huge mistake' by romancing her violent ex" Chris Brown, reports hollywoodlife.com. Brown, who brutally beat Rihanna and threatened to kill her, is back in the good graces of the not-so-bright RiRi, and Katy "doesn't want to be a part of it." Good on you, Katy! Now quick, help us lure Rihanna into this van so we can lock her up for her own protection. MEANWHILE... Sex.com Editor Martin Ellison, who has the second-greatest job title ever, recently saw Miley Cyrus' new dubstep video with DJ Borgore. And he's sent Miley an offer: $1 million for a softcore "girl-on-girl" version of the video, in which Miley would make out with porn star Jessie Andrews. "We feel quite confident that we can secure the same venue, along with the same goats and little people," Ellison's letter reads. Dears, you know how sometimes reality itself seems to jump the shark? Yes. That.