MONDAY, APRIL 7 Dear readers of One Day at a Time: I'd like to take a moment to temporarily set aside the royal "we" I normally employ in order to address you personally. In last week's column, I wrote an item about Thomas Beatie—who you all undoubtedly know as the Oregon transgendered man who is currently pregnant. I said some hurtful things that not only disparaged Beatie, but many people in the community, of all sexualities and gender identities. First things first: I was flat-out wrong—wrong when I vacillated between he/she pronouns, even though Beatie clearly identifies as a man, and wrong for dehumanizing and reducing Beatie to a series of parts (the "Mr. Potato Head" comment). For doing this, I deeply apologize. After a number of you sent in letters (see pg. 3), I went back to what I wrote, and was very disturbed by what I saw. In attempting to honestly express my confusion about how Beatie could be pregnant and still identify as a man, I only succeeded in further marginalizing some very worthy individuals who should be admired for bucking mainstream norms. While embarrassed by the way this item came across in print, I am happy and appreciative of those who took the time to educate me and open up this dialogue so everyone, especially myself, could learn from it. I promise to take this experience, and turn it into something positive via education on the subject. (I've started with some Trans 101 at t-vox.org—click on "transgender.") And while I will probably continue to poke fun at Britney, K.Fed, Lindsay, President Bush, Tom Cruise, Emperor Klaktu (Who am I leaving out? Anyway, you get the picture), I'll double my efforts to protect those who are less powerful. Again, I'm very sorry, and thank you for your letters and concern. email@example.com
TUESDAY, APRIL 8 And now, in an attempt to make a nearly impossible transition... "Miley Cyrus Makes More Money than You Could in a Billion Lifetimes!" (Nope, didn't work. And yet? Onward.) Parade magazine released their annual list of highest-paid celebrities, asking you to determine, "Are they worth it?" As alluded to earlier, Miley Cyrus earned $18.2 million last year—and NO, she's not worth it. She's that rich, and she can't fix her teeth? Meanwhile, Ryan Seacrest made $12 million last year, and YES, he's totes worth it. Between TV, radio, producing, and special appearances, he's got somewhere around 47 jobs—each of which only pays minimum wage. Poor Ryan! Tiger Woods is certainly worthy enough to earn $115 million, while redneck cracker comedian Jeff Foxworthy made $10 million, every penny of which should go to fund African American reparations. The most shocking payday of all? Dr. Phil McGraw made $90 million in 2007. Ninety million dollars for knowing absolutely nothing at all! (Even President Bush doesn't make that kind of money, and he knows even less!)
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 9 New mother Jennifer Lopez shocked hubby Marc Anthony by announcing that she wants none other than Tom Cruise to be the godfather to her newborn twins. (Wait... WHAT?!) Naturally, Marc's reaction was something akin to, "Umm...Tom... CRUISE? The Scientology guy? Heh... heh... ohh... yeah, that's a very interesting thought, honey. Tell you what, why don't we stick a pin in that idea, and revisit it, say when the kids turn 27?" However, Marc quickly warmed to the idea after suddenly remembering who he was married to, and that Tom spent a total of $400,000 on the twins including: designer christening outfits, a giant fish tank for their nursery, the complete Disney DVD box sets, and a star-studded "Welcome to the World" theme party. Special guest: Emperor Klaktu! (Did we forget to mention the "world" he's talking about is Rigel VII?) MEANWHILE... Actor Patrick Swayze is not dead! Five weeks ago to the day, the National Enquirer callously announced that, due to his battle with pancreatic cancer, Swayze would not be alive in five weeks. Well, in your fat face, National Enquirer! According to his doctors, Swayze has shown "excellent response" to treatment, which means the Enquirer are a bunch of ghoulish tools that deserve to have their faces pushed in poo. (Patrick? Please don't die this week. We simply can't bear apologizing to the National Enquirer, too.)
THURSDAY, APRIL 10 Surprise! A former senior US intelligence official has narc-ed out the Bush administration, claiming that White House officials such as Vice President Dick Cheney, former Attorney General John Ashcroft, and National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice signed off on using harsh interrogation techniques (such as waterboarding) on suspected terrorists—while insulating President Bush from meetings where such tactics were approved. Guess that's not too surprising, is it?
FRIDAY, APRIL 11 Though we despise bearing bad news, sometimes we just don't have a choice. (Imagine the Jaws music starting right about... now.) So brace yourselves, dears. (Da-dum... da-DUM... da-DUM DA-DUM DA-DUM!) Britney Spears' one-time suitor, professional douchebag Adnan Ghalib, is back! (EEEEEEEEE! Hmm... we're gonna need a bigger gossip column!) Today it was reported that Adnan—who we all thought had been given the ol' "Don't let the door hit your soul patch on the way out" line—visited Britney tonight, bringing over some movies (including No Country for Old Men) and a couple of packs of cigarettes (he certainly knows how to woo a lady). You know...the weather was just starting to get nice—and yet suddenly everything seems to be getting a little darker. Shudder.
SATURDAY, APRIL 12 From bad to worse, today Britney Spears got into yet another car crash! (And things were going so well! SOB!) At first, we hoped her reckless driving was a result of her frantically fleeing from the chin-pubed Adnan, but sadly, no such luck: TMZ reports that while Britney was "putting on her make-up behind the wheel," she caused a three-car crash, bumping her white Mercedes into another car at 10-15 MPH. One of the other drivers spilled to the tabloids, complaining that he "woke up with a sore back." Britney, meanwhile, giggled through most of her interactions with police, but passed a field sobriety test and soon was back on the road. The upside? She does have an actual driver's license! Umm... and underpants! That's good! Right?
SUNDAY, APRIL 13 It feels like we've gone months without a single Britney Spears story—and now we have three! And you'll never see this last one coming: Today Adnan Ghalib was stabbed. OMG! Luckily(?), he's totes okay, despite getting "a stab wound to his arm, facial lacerations, as well as a nice shiner" at a nightclub last night. There appears to be no motive, besides the fact that he's Adnan Ghalib—but c'mon! If given the chance, who wouldn't want to give him just a little stab? (Just kidding, Adnanny! It'd take a long, long time to find someone as exploitative and preposterously groomed as yourself. Kisses!) MEANWHILE... Today Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama spoke to Pennsylvania's "people of faith." While eventually coming out in favor of abortion, Clinton admitted, "the potential for life begins at conception." (And we thought Bill was the smooth talker!) Meanwhile Obama, when asked if life begins at conception, hemmed and hawed: "Is it when a cell separates? Is it when the soul stirs?" Look, no matter how things shake out, Democrats are going to end up with a qualified, intelligent, and competent candidate. But until either of them is willing to tell America's superstitious rednecks that stem cell research is a good thing, and that how often a candidate reads a Bible has nothing to do with whether they're going to pull our economy out of the toilet, let's just take this pussyfooting for the pandering that it is. C'mon, you two. McCain's already dead in the water. It's okay to step on his back. (See? We're back to our mean old self.)