MONDAY, NOVEMBER 5
It's time to decide. America must now make one of its most important choices ever—a decision which will shape this country for years to come. So who will you pick: Rihanna or Katy Perry? As you may know, the two young pop starlets were best buds for the longest time—until the MTV Video Music Awards, when Rihanna was spotted making smoochy-smoochy with her former abusive douche-hole boyfriend Chris Brown. Now? Not so much. "[Katy and Rihanna] are barely talking and ever since [Rihanna and Chris started canoodling], there has been tension between them," a snoopy insider told Hollywood Life. "Katy fears Rihanna is making a huge mistake and doesn't want to be part of it." Yes, that's troubling—but even worse? "Katy has now been spending a lot of time with pals Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart." NOOOOOOO!! Hopping from one dysfunctional couple to another? She should hang out with Hubby Kip and ourselves—there's nothing dysfunctional about us... much. MEANWHILE... Looks like more trouble is brewing between Johnny Law and our lady of perpetual trouble, Lindsay Lohan. Remember back in June when her Porsche slammed into the back of that truck? (We know... you need a LiLo Trouble Scorecard to help you keep track.) Anyway, at the time, she told police she wasn't driving the vehicle, when in fact, you know... she probably was. (Surprise twist!!) Well, according to TMZ, the cops are getting ready to file criminal charges against Lindsay, who is still in perpetual probation, and may end up going back to court and perhaps even... JAIL. (Can someone have her usual cell made up for her? Remember she likes Egyptian cotton sheets, and a mint on her pillow.)
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 6
Kind of a terrible election day for the rich honky patriarchy in America, who had their pruned, saggy asses unceremoniously handed to them. President Obama was reelected—primarily thanks to women and people of color. (Poor, poor white male minority—when will they ever get ahead?) Same-sex marriage passed in four states (Maine, Minnesota, Maryland, and Washington State), while Congresswoman Tammy Baldwin was the first open lesbian ever elected to the Senate. (And in Wisconsin to boot... why, that's Paul Ryan's home state! Imagine that!) And the New Hampshire congressional delegation will now be made up solely of WOMEN. Naturally, this is all fantastic news, and everyone should be thrilled... but of course, one person in particular was not. That would be Donald Trump, who fired off a series of hilarious, loathsome twatters dripping with sour grapes. "This election is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy!" Trump furiously twatted, momentarily forgetting that we are, in fact, a democracy. (He saw the same election, right?) "We can't let this happen! We should march on Washington and stop this travesty. Our nation is totally divided!" Trump bellowed from deep inside his ivory bunker. And finally, he fired off this wonderfully misspelled missive: "The phoney electoral college made a laughing stock of our nation. The loser one!" Maybe the actual "loser one" is the "white, rich entitled one" who can't spell "won"?
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 7
"Funny you should mention that," said Twilight's Kristen Stewart to the Today show's Savannah Guthrie when asked if she and Robert Pattinson were back together. YAYYYY!! The moment of butt-clenching awkwardness we've been dreaming of has finally arrived! So? What do you have to say to THAT, Kristen? "I'm going to just let people watch whatever little movie they think our lives are," she responded. Wait. WHAT? That's it? No groveling apologies? No stammering, lip-biting explanations? That is unacceptable, KStew! Give us the terrifying awkwardness we crave! Feed the monster, Kristen! FEED THE MONSTER. MEANWHILE... Us magazine reports that 40-year-old actress Cameron Diaz was spotted "ferociously flirting" with 26-year-old RPatz at a recent LA gala. "She was pretty obvious," said an eyewitness to the grotesque spectacle. "She was touching his arm, doing her big Cameron laugh at everything he said, and trying really hard. He was polite... but not having it." Nice try, Cameron—but if Robert's gonna cheat, it probably won't be with a cackling skeleton.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 8
In the most important piece of news you will read this week, Scarlett Johansson has a new tattoo. The tat was applied to her ribcage while in Paris, and is a picture of a... wait. A horseshoe? We need to do a bit more research to make sure this is actually a tattoo and not the spot where a jealous Jennifer Aniston kicked her. Burrrrn and zing-a-ling-a-ling! Thank yew, thank yew, we'll be here all week.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 9
Back in August, John Schnatter—founder of Papa John's—said that if Obamacare passed, he'd have no choice but to raise his prices by 11 to 14 cents per pizza to cover the business costs of, you know, basic health care. The horror. Shortly thereafter, Schnatter threatened that Papa John's franchise owners would cut their employees' hours, too. "That's probably what's going to happen," he said. "It's common sense." IN RELATED NEWS... A little more about Schnatter's tough financial situation: He's worth $240 million (not bad for a guy who pays his delivery drivers $6.41 an hour!) and his house was a location for one of Romney's fundraisers. "Who would've imagined pizza could build this?" Romney marveled at the event. He was referring, of course, to Schnatter's 40,000-square-foot mansion, which is built to look like a medieval castle and boasts an underground 22-car garage, a car wash, a motorized car turntable, an artificial lake, and 16 acres—part of which is Papa John's very own golf course. THAT REMINDS US... "Darden Concepts, Inc.—the umbrella corporation behind Red Lobster and Olive Garden, among other chain restaurants—is experimenting with hiring more part-time staff in order to offset the cost of implementing the Affordable Care Act," MSNBC reported last month—with part-timers, you see, they can weasel out of providing health care. "Maybe they want to portray that [Obamacare is] the cause of the issue, but it really isn't," pointed out Saru Jayaraman of Restaurant Opportunities Centers, alleging that Darden is using Obamacare as an excuse to screw its employees. Congratulations, guys! You're as dedicated to making your employees' lives miserable as you are dedicated to making terrible pizza, spaghetti, and seafood. IN ANOTHER TRAGEDY... This weekend in Boston, Justin Bieber sang Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me a River." Why? Because he got dumped by Selena Gomez, and he's feeling sad! "Selena broke up with Justin about a week ago," a source tells Us. "Selena definitely had some major trust issues with Justin." We're sorry you're hurting, Biebs—but if you ever sully another Justin Timberlake classic with your prepubescent squeaking? Then you'll find out what crying really is.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 10
Days after the presidential election, info's trickling out about how delusional Mitt Romney was—according to Slate, he "never saw it coming" that he might lose, he had a grand fireworks show planned for his victory gala, and his advisers told him he would "decisively" win—based on optimistic anecdotal evidence, broken computer predictions, and, most importantly, an awful strategy. "If you're basing your entire campaign on white people," Slate points out, "it leaves you little margin of error." SPEAKING OF WHITEY... Turns out the GOP has some thinkin' to do! "Republicans, in soul-searching after their loss, weighed the lessons from Mr. Romney's failed campaign," the New York Times reported. Hopefully, their introspection includes realizing that discriminating against Latinos, African Americans, gays, lesbians, women, and anyone who isn't Papa John might not be a winning strategy anymore. It's a better, browner, less-bigoted world, Republicans. Welcome to it. Try to learn the local customs so you don't keep bumbling around like a bunch of assholes.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 11
"I don't understand what the 'nickname culture' is," Robert Pattinson (AKA RPatz) whined to Today earlier this week, referring to the habit fans (and gossip columnists!) have of calling him "RPatz." "If I could figure out a way to get rid of [being called RPatz], it'd be amazing," RPatz moaned. "It does sound like an antacid tablet." This has been today's installment of Serious Celebrity Problems™. MEANWHILE... Kristen Stewart KStew, RPatz's significant other (when she isn't making out with married film directors), responded to rumors she's in the upcoming movie based on that childishly written piece of Twilight fanfic, Fifty Shades of Grey. "[The book] creeps me out," KStew told backstage.com. "When I see people reading it on planes and stuff, I'm genuinely creeped out. Like, you're basically just reading porn right now! Get that blanket off your lap!" "No! I won't!" Justin Bieber replied, piling his blanket even higher and dog-earing another page in his tattered copy of Fifty Shades Freed. "This book and my security blanket are all that I have left."