MONDAY, APRIL 28 As reported last week in One Day, teen idol Miley Cyrus is a dirty little slut. Hey, that's not our opinion! Personally, we've got FAR more incriminating pictures floating around the internet than poor Miley's Vanity Fair photo shoot, in which she had the audacity to expose her bare back! (GASP!) However, after the way her bosses at the Disney Channel reacted to the shoot, you'd think she'd just starred in a porno entitled Hand-on Banana. (That was supposed to be a dirty play on words for Miley's show Hanna Montana—butit didn't quite work, did it?) After making her publicly apologize for the pictures, Disney Channel honchos went on to chastise the magazine, accusing them of deliberately "manipulating a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines." In other words, if anyone's going to be manipulating teenagers, it's gonna be the Disney Channel! (Get your High School Musical bra and panty set—on sale now!) MEANWHILE... More trouble from naughty nanny land! As you also remember from last week, actor Rob Lowe (the guy who played saxophone in St. Elmo's Fire) and his wife were charged with being sexually gross by his former nanny—and this week? Yet ANOTHER former nanny has jumped in the fray. Though all charges have been vehemently denied by the Lowe camp, according to People, ex-nanny Laura Boyce has accused wife Sheryl of "creating an extremely sexually offensive and hostile work environment... behaving in a perverted, disgusting, and crude manner." (Jeez! She's making Mrs. Lowe sound like Hubby Kip after three Löwenbräus and a Girls Gone Wild DVD. Question for our lawyer: Does picking up a husband's underpants constitute a "work environment"?)
TUESDAY, APRIL 29 Ratings for TV's American Idol have been plummeting steadily—but leave it to loopy Paula Abdul to drag the show back into the national spotlight. In tonight's episode, the audience was told by host Ryan Seacrest that the contestants would sing twice—but would not be judged by the panel until after their second song. However, at the last second, producers flipped the script, having the contestants line up after their first song for quick comments from the panel. Now, the producers should have known that this sort of mental flexibility would be far too much for the pharmaceutically addled brain of Paula. Not only did Paula give detailed criticism to contestant Jason Castro for his first song, but also for his second—which he had not yet performed. WHOOPS. Fortunately, Ryan also has a syndicated radio show, which allows tortured panelists like Paula to call in, and explain their fuck-ups. "So I'm like, 'Omigod, what do we do?'" Paula babbled as she described the previous night's events. "I was reading the critique of what I had written for Jason Castro, and on the same page, I also wrote David [Cook]... I got lost on my notes." To which Ryan swiftly added, "So you were talking about two different people, but accidentally, you said second song." OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR! Seacrest is leading the witness! We declare a mistrial on the grounds that the defendant is whacked out of her gourd on goofballs!
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30 This just in: pop diva Mariah Carey and relatively unknown actor Nick Cannon are married after a less than two-monthwhirlwind romance, and ... umm... hold on, that's our cell. Hello? Oh, hi Mom, thanks for calling us back! Guess what?Remember when we told you that our gossip career was ruined when Britney divorced K.Fed and got sober? Well! Guess what happened today! MEANWHILE...Supposedlythere's a 40-year-old Jimi Hendrix sex tape. EWW! (Did they even have sex back then?) MEANWHILE... Pioneering newswoman and co-host of The View Barbara Walters has confessed to enjoying a lengthy affair with married Republican Senator Edward Brooke during the '70s. Again... EWW! (Enough with the old-timey sex talk!) MEANWHILE... To celebrate the release of her new CD Hard Candy, a nearly 50-year-old Madonna performed in concert tonight with Justin Timberlake, and spent much of her time onstage grinding her genitalia against that of her 27-year-old co-star. Oh, for the love of... EWW! (Look, we don't mind if old people still choose to have sex. BUT MUST YOU KEEP REMINDING US OF THE FACT?)
THURSDAY, MAY 1 In election news, poor Hillary Clinton was jilted today by one of her longtime superdelegate supporters, former Democratic National Party Chairman Joe Andrew. Not only did Andrew urge Democrats to throw their support to the dreamiest of dreamboats Barack Obama, but he added that "a vote for Hillary Clinton is a vote to continue [a destructive campaign]... a vote to continue this process is a vote that assists John McCain." OUCH. In response, Hillary told ABC's Nightline, "I think this [process] has been good for the Democratic Party... people can decide however they want, and... and... you people are really starting to hurt my feelings!"
FRIDAY, MAY 2 Sixty-one million dollars. According to In Touch magazine, that's how much money Britney Spears has lost in the past few years! Apparently, when Brit's dad, Jamie, took over her finances earlier this year (right around the same time he started making sure she was wearing underwear whenever she left the house, and that she couldn't have any dessert unless she finished her vegetables), he was shocked to discover just how much Britta's head-shaving, umbrella-bashing, vaheena-baring exploits had cost. That $61 million? We can only guess it went to booze, drugs, tacky clothes, rehab costs, court fees, and the occasional alimony check/Cheetos stipend she was legally obligated to send ex-husband Kevin Federline. (OH. And Brit also has to give us a nickel for every time we say, "We told you so!")
SATURDAY, MAY 3 Patrick Swayze is still alive! You might remember that over two months ago, the National Enquirer learned Swayze had pancreatic cancer, and insisted he only had five weeks to live. Well, nuts to you, National Enquirer—today Swayze was seen out shopping near his home in Los Angeles, something that, obviously, only people who are alive can do. Reaction from bystanders was varied. "He's just so brave," 56-year-old housewife Melinda Wallace of Palo Alto noted. "He's a real fighter!" Meanwhile, another observer, who wished to remain anonymous, mumbled, "I just don't get what's taking so long," adding "I feel like I've been following this dude around forever." Sighing, he then brushed some cat hair off of his tattered black robes and continued to sharpen an ominous-looking scythe.
SUNDAY, MAY 4 "The stories are not okay," Katie Holmes has whined to Vanity Fair, whining about the constant gossip surrounding herself, Tom Cruise, and their daughter, Suri. "It's really frustrating, the amount of shit that's out there... This is my family." Allow us to be the first to apologize, dear: In the future, we will do our best to only to write sympathetically and tastefully about how you may be a brainwashed child bride who's been paid off to squeeze out offspring for a psychopathic cult member. Our bad! MEANWHILE... Carrie Fisher has spilled the beans, making vague claims that she and Harrison Ford had a tryst on the set of the original Star Wars. "I had a crush on Harrison," the actress admits. "Harrison is great fun when he's had a few drinks. Once I left the room and came back and he was in the closet not wearing a lot of clothes." Just for the record, Carrie Fisher is 51 and Ford is 65... and so, once again, EWW! Does that mean that old people also have sex in the future??