MONDAY, NOVEMBER 19
Nothing warms our cold, dead heart like the implosion of "young love." So you can imagine our glee last week when the relationship between that little twerp with the hair (Justin Bieber) and his one true love (Disney princess Selena Gomez) went KERBLOOEY. And if you can imagine that, you can also imagine our deep, desperate disappointment when these two walking bars of Ivory soap got back together over the weekend?!? Nooooooooooooo!! Following the American Music Awards, BiebGo were spotted by Us at an afterparty holding on to each other "for most of the night" and sneaking in "a few kisses as well." This is in stark contrast to their high-pitched screeching match at a restaurant on Friday, where according to witnesses, the two had barely sat down "when they started to fight." Mere minutes later, "they stormed out," with a witness adding that Biebs was "swearing and yelling" after Gomez's exit. And now they're suddenly all smoochy-smoochy again? KIDS! Take it from us and our Hubby Kip—your love is doomed to failure! So either cut your losses or do like we did and get married. (The upside? Lots of wedding prezzies.) MEANWHILE... Speaking of being doomed to failure, apparently forgiven Twilight cheat Kristen Stewart has signed up to reprise her role in the sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman—but guess who won't be along for the ride? (And by "ride" we mean "filthy sex"?) Snow White director Rupert Sanders, the 41-year-old creep KStew cheated with, thereby breaking the fragile, twinkly heart of boyfriend Robert Pattinson. (Heh... heh... hehhhh.) Says an inside source to Radar Online, "Rupert didn't want to be a part of it to begin with because he is desperately still trying to save his marriage [to wifey Liberty Ross]." Yes, and he also probably realizes there are other way-too-young, lip-chewing fish in the sea. That's right—we just called KStew a fish. Because she kinda really does look like a fish.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 20
In a story brimming with "sad," Kevin Clash, the voice behind Sesame Street's Elmo resigned today after being accused of yet another underage sexual relationship. After the first accuser recanted his statement last week, 24-year-old Cecil Singleton has stepped forward to claim he also had a "sexual relationship" with the puppeteer when he was 15, one that included "groping, masturbation, intense kissing, [and] dry-humping." Still reeling from the original accusation, Clash resigned, saying the claims "have diverted attention away from the important work Sesame Street is doing." In regard to this story, the New York Times spoke with Katherine Franke, the director of the center for gender and sexuality law at Columbia University, who called Clash a victim of "sex panic," adding, "At precisely the moment when gay people's right to marry seems to be reaching a positive tipping point, sexuality is being driven back into the closet as something shameful and incompatible with honor [as in the recent General Petraeus scandal] or decency." Franke continued, "Mr. Clash has not been convicted of a crime, but merely accused of one in a completely unsubstantiated, vague complaint." (On Monday, November 26, a third accuser came forward claiming that when he was 16, Clash "plied him with alcohol and groomed him" into a sexual relationship. And the "sad" just keeps on coming.)
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 21
In much lighter (but just about as creepy) celebrity news, terrible pop star Ke$ha revealed to Time magazine that fans sometimes send her their teeth... which she used to construct a bra. Let's just stop and think about that for a moment. [Pause.] Okay! Here's Ke$ha's quote: "My fans have sent me over 1,000 human teeth, that I'm making different accessories and clothing [necklaces, earrings, a headdress, and a bra] out of." Let's pause for another moment... because you will definitely need some time to process what comes next. [Pause.] Ready? Let's do this. Ke$ha continued, "I think most of them are just teeth that have naturally fallen out, but a couple of them have given me bloody teeth." [Pause.] [Pause.] [Pause.] Nope. There's just not enough "processing time" in the world. MEANWHILE... In more jovial news, according to a posting alongside an accompanying photograph on Reddit, failed GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney was spotted pumping his own gas at a La Jolla, California, station and looking "tired and washed up." In other words, a day in the life of the 47 percent. Welcome to our world, Mitt.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 22
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Here's something we're NOT thankful for: According to Gossip Cop, pop starlet Rihanna spent her Thanksgiving in Berlin with her former abuser/dickbag creep boyfriend Chris Brown—apparently because she enjoys driving us INSANE. Meanwhile, here's something we are thankful for: Lady Gaga celebrated Thanksgiving pretty much as you'd expect—in Peru, waking up very late, and stumbling into the kitchen naked to discover 35 of her fans partying in her garage. Her biggest concern? According to her Twatter account, figuring out "how to slide stuffing under the [garage] door when there's no cat flap." Sigh. We are so very grateful for her.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 23
Today, millions of Americans with nothing better to do hunted for "deals" by camping out until the wee hours of the morning to—no, sorry. That's traditionally how Black Friday goes. But perhaps because toaster riots in the past weren't quite humiliating enough, this year Black Friday began last night—with rabid shoppers and stores like Target and Walmart forcing countless workers to skip Thanksgiving dinner so they could sell cheap crap. So... how did Black Friday go? Well, there was the man in Springfield, Massachusetts, who, at 1:30 am in a Kmart parking lot, locked his girlfriend's two-year-old son in a car so he could buy a TV (after breaking into the car to get the kid out, police later found the man at home... watching his new TV); a man in San Antonio, Texas, pulled a gun on a person who cut in line; a gentleman at a Sacramento, California, Kmart calmly advised those around him to "Calm the fuck down! Push one of my kids and I will stab one of you motherfuckers!"; and a disagreement over a parking space at a Walmart in Tallahassee, Florida, led to two people getting shot. MEANWHILE... A Walmart strike took place in 46 states and 100 cities, with employees, activists, and union workers aiming to educate the public about Walmart's anti-union tactics and poverty-level wages. That had to have put a damper on things, right? IN RELATED NEWS... "Walmart said it recorded its best Black Friday ever, with more shoppers than last year and nearly 10 million register transactions between 8 pm Thursday and midnight Friday," the Huffington Post reports. "Among other items, it sold more than 1.8 million towels, 1.3 million TVs, and some 250,000 bicycles."
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 24
Celebrity woman-beater Chris Brown isn't on Twitter anymore! Here's why: When Brown tweeted "I look old as fuck! I'm only 23," comedy writer Jenny Johnson replied, "I know! Being a worthless piece of shit can really age a person." Shockingly, Brown took this... poorly, and began an exchange with Johnson that included bon mots like, "take them teeth out when u Sucking my dick HOE" (Johnson's reply: "It's 'HO' not 'HOE' you ignorant fuck"), "I should fart while ur giving me top" ("Your mom must be so proud of you"), "mom says hello... She told me not to shart in ur mouth, wanted me to shit right on the retina" ("YOU FLIRT!!!"), and "your a pathetic bitch" ("It's 'YOU'RE' a pathetic bitch"). "Okay, I'm done," Johnson then tweeted. "All I got from that exchange with Chris Brown is that he wants to shit and fart on me." "Don't run for support now... Lol. Ur a comedic writer!!! If u can take a dick, u can take a joke," Brown replied, adding, "Just ask Rihanna if she mad??????" and "Know that I'm not upset. Just felt like entertaining the ignorance. These bitches crazy.." Brown—or, more likely, his manager, who must be slightly less of misogynist moron?—then hastily shut down his Twitter account. It's a Thanksgiving miracle!
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 25
Tonight—after months of car crashes, fights, and disputed hotel bills—Lindsay Lohan starred in Liz & Dick, the Lifetime channel's Elizabeth Taylor biopic! Heavily hyped, Liz & Dick premiered to 3.5 million viewers. (To put those ratings in perspective, last month 6.5 million people watched Lifetime's rerun of Steel Magnolias, the 1989 film that every single mother in the United States owns on VHS.) And the reviews? The reviews, shall we say, were not kind. "Lindsay is devastated by the response to the film," a source whispered to the Huffington Post. "She has gotten used to all the negative press around her personal life but this is the first time she has experienced it about her work. No matter how bad things were going for her personally, everyone would always agree that she was a great actress." Hmm. Okay, why not. Let's let her have that one, dears. It's the holiday season.