MONDAY, DECEMBER 3
The headline from TMZ says it all: "Kate Middleton: I'm Royally KNOCKED UP!" (And by "says it all," we mean TMZ is the worst.) TMZ then terribly continued, "Kate Middleton just announced... she's got a CRUMPET IN THE OVEN!!!" (Why does TMZ keep screaming at us?) Anyway, Kate Middleton—AKA the Duchess of Cambridge, whose hubby is Prince William—is indeed in the early stages of pregnancy and was rushed to King Edward VII Hospital in London today with severe morning sickness. For those keeping tally, this new baby will put Prince Harry in the number-three position for the throne (following Prince Charles and then William), which will probably suit him just fine since being king would cut into his cavorting nude with an assortment of naked Las Vegas gals (see the August 30, 2012, edition of One Day for that deliciously sordid story). BUT WE DIGRESS! As mentioned earlier, Preggo Kate and her royal fetus were rushed to the hospital for morning sickness... which inspired Australian shock jocks Mel Greig and Michael Christian to call the nurse on duty, and trick her into revealing confidential information by pretending to be Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Charles. While they were "distinctly amateur impersonations" (according to the Telegraph), the nurse did reveal intimate details of Kate's treatment and condition, and even suggested when the queen might visit. HERE'S WHERE THE STORY GOES ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE. Three days after the prank took place, the nurse who released the confidential information committed suicide—almost certainly because of fallout from the call. The shock jocks immediately apologized for their behavior, though their show has already been canceled after a huge outpouring of angry complaints. Soooo... confidential to Kate Middleton's future baby: This is just the sort of crazy thing you can expect from being born into the royal family... every day for the rest of your life. Congratulations?
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 4
Our fave celebrity in the world, Lindsay Lohan, is trying to accomplish two things this week: (1) proving her innocence in last week's "slapping a psychic silly" club brawl, and (2) hopping into the warm pants of boy band heartthrob Max George. (She's our "fave" because she knows her priorities.) After allegedly getting drunk and sucker punching Miami palm reader Tiffany Mitchell (whom she also called a "gypsy"—oops) last week in a NYC nightclub, Lindsay is reportedly hiring a private detective to dig up any dirt she can get on Tiff before the matter goes to court. LiLo apparently thinks she's once again being set up by yet another money-hungry fame seeker—though this time, at least according to one source, she might not be far off base. According to a Palm Beach woman speaking anonymously to Gossip Extra (via the Daily Mail) this wouldn't be the first time Tiffany "used her psychic abilities to extort money" and she accused the palm reader of charging her $43,000 to "cleanse her aura." (For cleaning a normal person's aura, $43 grand is too expensive. But for Lindsay? That's a LOT of work for a little money.) MEANWHILE... Lindsay is also keeping busy being completely obsessed with and possibly stalking Max George, the admittedly hunky singer from boy band the Wanted. According to TMZ, Linds was not only drooling over Max in concert the night she got into that slugfest with Tiffany, she also somehow managed to sneak backstage during his following show in Philadelphia—and according to everyone in the know, she was not invited. C'mon! Give her a chance, Max, and let Lindsay cook dinner for you! We hear she's great at boiling bunnies.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 5
Today celebrity gossip troll Rihanna twattered another picture solely designed to drive a rusty nail file into our brain: her, wearing sexy underwear, sitting next to a cigarette-smoking, smirking Chris Brown. In a related story, STOP IT STOP IT STOOOOOP IIIIIIIIIIT!!!
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 6
It was reported today that the worst monster in the universe—the slithering reptilian gargoyle known as Kim Kardashian—caused a riot today in a Bahrain mall while launching one of her new milkshake shops. (So what's the shop called, anyway? "This Milkshake Is Poisoned"?) According to the Daily News, thousands of fans—who paid up to $1,360 per ticket (!!!)—broke into frenzied screams as Kardashian held aloft one of her stupid milkshakes. Meanwhile, around 100 hard-line Muslims protested outside, yelling about her "extremely bad reputation"—which is a pretty "soft-line" way of putting it, if you ask us—and were pelted by police with stun grenades for their trouble. Congrats on the new milkshake shop, Kim! Maybe "stun grenade" can be the flavor of the month. (Don't forget to drizzle it with human tears!)
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 7
"You could actually see him confronting the pain and after a while he looked up at me and said, 'I feel better,' so I said, 'Okay, end of assist,'" John Travolta recently told the Scientology-run Celebrity magazine. "He had gotten noticeably better and I was chomping at the bit for more." Such is the tale of a man in China who Travolta saved... with Scientology! "I was in Shanghai recently at a work event and the master of ceremonies' best friend has recently gotten into a car wreck," Travolta explained. "He had broken his ankle and was in constant pain. I asked him permission to do some Scientology assists and he said, 'Okay, sure.'" And thus, the healing began. "Indeed, the 'assist' techniques—first taught to Grand Master L. Ron, as we all know, by Grabilfrex the Healer—are terrifyingly effective, especially on the BFFs of masters of ceremonies who live in Shanghai, China, on your pitiful planet 'Earth,'" Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, chief spokesalien for Scientology, said when asked for comment. "Good to see you primitive primates are finally starting to accept actual science." MEANWHILE... Last year, doddering old Hugh Hefner was practically left at the altar—his supposed child bride, Crystal Harris, bailed on him five days before their wedding ceremony. Well, they're engaged again! So now you know! ("Oh, dear. Now that is just ridiculous," Emperor Klaktu said, even though he was not asked for comment. "Hef should have more self-respect than that.")
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8
Thought we were done with Lindsay? For this week, at least? Nope! The IRS has seized Lindsay Lohan's bank accounts in an attempt to get at least $233,904 in unpaid taxes. And the situation could get even worse if Lohan (a) has her parole revoked for her 2011 shoplifting shenanigans, (b) is convicted of lying to police about her car crash last June, or (c) continues to mysteriously misplace her money, like the $100,000 she recently pocketed to promote an energy drink. "Lindsay is freaking out," a source tells the New York Post. "She's doing what she always does, which is say it's not her fault and point the finger at someone else in her team." "Lindsay is a disaster with money," another "friend" tells the Post. "But she's a hustler and always finds somebody at the last minute to bail her out." Somebody like, say... Charlie Sheen, who, out of the pure and sweet goodness of his heart, recently gave the troubled starlet $100,000 when she told him about her money woes. "I'm still waiting for a text to say 'thank you,'" a saddened Sheen mumbled to Entertainment Tonight. "Anything. Anything, you know?" Wow. We never thought we'd say this, but... Charlie? You should've known better.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 9
"Martha Stewart was stricken with salmonella after handling too many Thanksgiving turkeys," the New York Post reports. "I never get sick, but I came down with salmonella. I think I caught it because I was handling so many turkeys around Thanksgiving. I was on the Today show, I did a number of other appearances," Stewart droned. "It hit me really hard and I was in bed for days. It was terrible. I lost some weight, though." Next year, Martha, maybe keep a physician nearby so this doesn't happen again? We hear John Travolta's available.