MONDAY, DECEMBER 10
Serial criminal Lindsay Lohan strikes again! (Though this may be the one instance where she won't be carted off to the pokey.) As you certainly know and have gagged about, Lindsay Lohan is totes OBSESSED with admittedly hunky Max George of boy band the Wanted. She's been following the band around, and has even been spotted with Max backstage engaging in a "long, emotion-filled embrace" and then checking into a Boston hotel together. Gross! While Max is denying any romantic entanglements, Linds is sending out some strong hints to the contrary via her Twatter machine! "Missing something?" Lindsay coyly twatted to Max on Saturday, adding a photo of the singer's supposedly missing black hoodie. Actually yes, Max is missing something: a good friend to warn him to RUN FOR HIS LIFE. MEANWHILE... Like Lindsay, Britney, and Paris before her, tonight actress Anne Hathaway accidentally flashed her vaheena getting out of a limo. And NO, Hubby Kip, you may not make a "Catwoman" joke. Go back into your man-den until we call you to bring us our dinner. MEANWHILE... Girl, we hate to say we told you so, but... WE SO TOLD YOU SO. According to The Sun, Rihanna is fah-urious with loathsome creep Chris Brown for cheating on her... even though she's yet to admit they're dating! The two reportedly had a huge fight—not like the one in 2009, where Chris attempted to beat Rihanna to death with his fists—after he was photographed whooping it up with a bevy of gals in Paris. Well, this is just shocking news. And here we thought that Chris Brown had completely reformed, and was ready to settle down and become the perfect boyfriend. #sarcasm
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 11
Today in "legitimately terrible": Jacob Tyler Roberts, 22, entered the Clackamas Town Center mall today wearing a hockey mask and carrying a stolen AR-15 semi-automatic rifle. Running into the food court screaming, "I am the shooter," Roberts began randomly firing his weapon, killing 54-year-old Northeast Portland resident Cindy Ann Yuille and 45-year-old Steven Mathew Forsyth, while severely wounding 15-year-old Kristina Shevchenko. The shooter, as so many do, then killed himself. While noting that "this was a heartbreaking incident by any standard," Clackamas County Sheriff Craig Roberts listed four factors that prevented this attack from becoming a full-blown massacre. Besides the shooter's gun momentarily jamming, police were on the scene within one minute of the first 911 call. They then launched into their "active shooter protocol"—which they had trained for in the same mall just last year. The mall also had a "lockdown procedure," which employees dutifully followed, thereby saving even more lives. And finally, the shoppers themselves—all 10,000 of them (!!)—managed to keep level heads and get out of the shopping center, and many assisted those in need. While discussions desperately need to take place about gun control (yes, even stolen guns) and our culture of ignoring mental illness—hats off to those who helped, didn't panic, and trained to lessen a situation that could've been so much worse.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 12
Happy 12/12/12 day—and to celebrate? Kanye West wore a skirt! Or a kilt... wait, he's not Scottish. It was a skirt. He donned the black leather skirt while performing for the 12-12-12 concert to benefit victims of Hurricane Sandy, and within hours "Kanye's Skirt" (of course) already had it's own Twatter page, quipping, "Sir Paul [McCartney] is wearing mom jeans." Which he was. OH! And speaking of Sir Paul, the ex-Beatle performed at the concert with the ex-members of Nirvana—which naturally made crazy Courtney Love (the former wife of deceased Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain) go even crazier. When asked about McCartney's involvement with the project, Courtney snarled that she was "not amused" adding, "Look, if John [Lennon] were alive it would be cool." When asked for a response from their current residence in Rock 'n' Roll Heaven™, both Lennon and Cobain had this to say: "Can someone tell Courtney to please SHUT HER STUPID CRAY-CRAY MOUTH."
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 13
As predicted, our lady of perpetual trouble Lindsay Lohan had her perpetual probation revoked by the Los Angeles commissioner after it was discovered that she lied to police officers about not being behind the wheel of her June 2012 Porsche crash. She has a court date set for January 15, and if found guilty, could face 245 days in prison. BUT THAT'S NOT THE WORST NEWS LINDSAY HEARD TODAY. Boytoy dreamboat Max George also called her "a groupie" in an interview, adding that the stalking starlet "is probably hiding in our suitcase right now!" Ohhhhhh no, he didn't. Naturally, Linds responded with the most damning weapon in her arsenal: unfollowing him on Twatter! (That'll show him, Lindsay. But seriously... get out of his suitcase.)
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14
This morning, 20-year-old Adam Lanza shot his mother in the face at the home they shared in Newtown, Connecticut. Dressed in combat gear, he then loaded his mother's semi-automatic pistols and semi-automatic rifle into her car, drove to the nearby Sandy Hook Elementary School, and killed 26 people—20 of them children between the ages of six and seven—before shooting himself. "The gunman was chillingly accurate," the New York Times reports. "A spokesman for the state police said he left only one wounded survivor at the school. All the others hit by the barrage of bullets from the guns Mr. Lanza carried died, suggesting they were shot at point-blank range." "We've endured too many of these tragedies in the past few years," President Barack Obama said in a tearful address. "Whether it's an elementary school in Newtown, or a shopping mall in Oregon, or a temple in Wisconsin, or a movie theater in Aurora, or a street corner in Chicago.... We're going to have to come together and take meaningful action to prevent more tragedies like this." "The scale of the tragedy and the age of the victims shocked a country that has seen many mass shootings," the Guardian wrote—before adding that, with regard to questions about gun control, "Barack Obama's spokesman, Jay Carney, refused to engage with the issue, telling reporters at a White House briefing that 'today is not the day.'" Actually, Jay, today is the day: A petition on whitehouse.gov demanding the Obama administration "immediately address the issue of gun control" via legislation gained tens of thousands of signatures in mere hours, while New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg was the only politician to say what every sane person was thinking. "President Obama rightly sent his heartfelt condolences to the families in Newtown," Bloomberg wrote in a statement. "But the country needs him to send a bill to Congress to fix this problem. Calling for 'meaningful action' is not enough. We need immediate action. We have all heard the rhetoric before. What we have not seen is leadership—not from the White House and not from Congress. That must end today. This is a national tragedy and it demands a national response." Here's hoping that response comes from today's tragic events—unlike the 15 other mass shootings in America this year. Because if 20 children being shot point blank doesn't bring about change, nothing will.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 15
In less horrific news, Charlie Sheen has done something admirable and generous. (We know—we're as surprised as you are.) When speaking to a Hermosa Beach police officer, Sheen learned that the officer's 10-year-old daughter, Jasmine, was suffering from cancer. "No parent should have to watch their kid go through that," Sheen told the officer, according to TMZ. The next day, the Hermosa Beach Police Association—which runs a fund for Jasmine's treatments—received a check from Sheen for $75,000, followed by a check from Eddie Braun, Sheen's stunt double, for $25,000. Now, we don't say this often, but... hey, Charlie? Everything mean we said about you this year? We take it back.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 16
Lindsay Lohan has—shockingly—fallen behind on yet another bill. Now she owes her storage company $16,000, meaning that the "account is now delinquent and the storage locker can't be opened until the balance is paid in full... and that's not going to happen because Lindsay doesn't have the cash," says TMZ. "So what?" you ask. So this: Lindsay Lohan's storage unit might be auctioned off at the end of the month. Hubby Kip? This. All we want for Christmas is Lindsay Lohan's storage unit. Just think of it, dears! We'd find enough weird crap in there to keep this column going for decades!