MONDAY, JANUARY 7
France is currently under siege from a scourge far worse than the great Parisian herpes outbreak of 1987. That's right, preggo Kim Kardashian and her bamboozled baby-daddy Kanye West are in Paris. Today the loathsome pair was spotted spending oodles of euros at fancy-pantsy boutiques and dining at the über-posh L'Avenue restaurant. Before they departed, a Kardashian source told Us magazine that the couple's reason for defiling Paris was "just to chill. It's a little babymoon!" We're sorry... a what? Did she just say "babymoon"? Fuck her, fuck "a babymoon," and fuck anyone who ever fucking uses the term "babymoon" from now until the fucking end of time. (DEEP BREATH.) MOVING ON... People magazine has confirmed that grotesque sea-hag Kim Kardashian—who is STILL not divorced, BTW—and her formerly admired boytoy Kanye West are purchasing a Bel Air, California, mansion for $11 million. The Italian-style villa has a gym, movie theater, bowling alley, indoor/outdoor pools, and a hair and makeup salon, which will be primarily used to mask Kim Kardashian's hideous outward appearance, but do nothing to disguise the fetid disgustingness that resides inside her soul. IN A RELATED STORY... Fuck an $11 million Italian-style villa. MEANWHILE... Shockingly, according to a recent poll from E-Poll Market Research, Kanye's "overexposed quotient" has risen to a sizable 37 percent since he began dating screeching harpy Kim Kardashian. (The average is four percent for most celebrities, and a whopping 62 percent for Kim.) IN A RELATED STORY... Ha. Ha. Ha.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 8
Today in "love is a ridiculous sham": The seemingly forever puppy love between androgynous pop star Justin Bieber and IRL Disney princess Selena Gomez is finally kaput. Deciding to be "on-again" after a huge pre-Christmas falling out, their romantic New Year's trip to Puerto Vallarta was cut short after having, according to an inside source, "another huge fight, and Selena won't forgive him." In response, the world attempted to give a shit, but couldn't muster up the energy. MEANWHILE... Relationship killer Taylor Swift just murdered another one—this time a hot, brief romance with mop-topped Harry Styles from the post-pubescent boy band One Direction. According to Us, the pair were vacationing in the British Virgin Islands, when—kerblam! The pair had a big brouhaha, inspiring Taylor to stomp her dainty foot in a huff, and end the vacay then and there. This will be at least the sixth boy TSwift has lost in two years, including Conor Kennedy, John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Taylor Lautner, and Zac Efron. Don't worry, Taylor—it must be them, not you. Right?
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9
Today it was announced that disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong will find himself in the uncomfortable confines of Oprah's hotseat—to answer questions about his alleged doping activities (and his subsequent lies) that stripped him of his seven Tour de France titles. According to Oprah, there was "no payment for the interview" (which is scheduled to appear on her OWN network on January 17, and live-streamed online) and "no question is off limits," which possibly means that Lance is ready to come clean about his dirty dealings. (BTW. Are there "performance-enhancing drugs" to aid in lying during interviews? Just wondering.) MEANWHILE... Buh-bye Britney! After one scant season judging for Simon Cowell's underperforming talent show The X Factor, One Day at a Time grand dame Britney Spears is leaving the show—or more likely, getting the heave-ho? Multiple sources confirm that X Factor producers regarded Brit's performance on the show as "underwhelming"—and one is rarely paid $15 million a season to "underwhelm." (One could make the case that we keep Hubby Kip around despite his "underwhelming performance"—but there's a difference. He's paid in Cheetos.)
THURSDAY, JANUARY 10
Guys. We like Demi Moore again. True, we've spent the last couple years mocking her affinity for Kabbalah, Ashton Kutcher, mini-psychotic breaks, and wearing weird jumpers. But this week? She turned it all around. According to Celebitchy, just after the still-despicable Kutcher filed for divorce, Demi took off to a "bikini boot camp" where she engaged in "yoga, Zumba dancing, circuit training, meditation—and hot hookups with younger men." Says a source, "Demi was clearly after younger men on this trip; they were all about 28 to 33," and that at least one guest was complaining to resort management that her "very, very loud sex" had been keeping them awake. Oh, and one more thing: During her trip, she insisted everyone refer to her as "Topper"—an apparent reference to a 1937 Cary Grant film. HONEY. If you continue to be such an amazing influence for the rest of us ladies, we will call you WHATEVER YOU WANT.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 11
The hits keep on coming for Britney Spears—not the musical hits, mind you, since she doesn't make those anymore, but the gossip-y ones. Brit-Brit has given back the $90,000 engagement ring proffered to her by her longtime agent/fiancé, Jason Trawick—and a source gabs to Fox News that the split was due to the fact that Jason—along with Britta's father—was Britney's co-conservator. "Jason took on the role of 'parent' and Britney the role of 'child' when he agreed to conservatorship," psychotherapist Stacy Kaiser tells Fox News, probably while wondering if answering Fox News' questions about Britney Spears was really what she had hoped to accomplish in her years of studying to get a clinical psychology degree. "This makes an uneven balance of power, typically kills intimacy, and creates a dynamic of conflict in the relationship." In other words: Having to take care of the person you're boning? Kind of a boner killer. SPEAKING OF HUBBY KIP... Kip, for the love of christ, stop sticking that fork in the toaster. Yes, we can see your Eggo is stuck. But remember what happened last time, dear? Yes, we thought you might. Now how about you stop whimpering and go back into the living room and turn Doctor Who back on? We know, honey, we know. We'll get your Eggo for you. Yes, with syrup. It will all be okay an—KIP. SERIOUSLY. TAKE THAT FORK OUT OF THE TOASTER.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 12
Ann Romney has turned down a role on Dancing with the Stars, according to TMZ! "DWTS honchos approached Ann about the gig just after her hubby lost the election and she was 'very interested,'" an insider spills. TMZ continues, "Our sources say Ann and producers had several meetings to try to hash out the details but Ann ultimately decided against it." It's clear what happened here: Dancing with the Stars didn't offer a spot to Ann's dressage horse, Rafalca, which the Romneys spend $77,000 a year to keep in oats and Mane 'n Tail. But it's not too late to revise your offer, Dancing with the Stars! Just think of the ratings should America be allowed to witness Ann and Rafalca's tango.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 13
According to the New York Post, New Yorker writer Lawrence Wright's new book Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, and the Prison of Belief drops quite a few bombshells—including the okay-not-a-new-revelation-but-it-never-gets-old fact that the church's members believe their "ultimate purpose" is protecting humanity from "aliens living in our bodies, who are bent on destroying us and ultimately the planet." Naturally, Tom Cruise is at the forefront of the battle—ranking just below Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard and church leader David Miscavige. "Miscavige encouraged Cruise's grandiosity," the Post continues, noting Miscavige "told Cruise that they were among a select group of chosen ones, 'big beings' who were destined to meet up with LRH on a planet called 'Target Two.'" Cruise took Miscavige's flattery... seriously. "A Scientologist... has the ability to create new or better realities and conditions," Cruise later told his fellow followers. "I'm here to help." Oh, and! "Look, I wish the world was a different place," Cruise said. "I'd like to go on vacation, and go and romp and play, you know what I mean? But I can't. Because I know. I know. I have to do something about it. You can sit here and wish it was different, but there's that moment where you go, 'You know, I have to do something. Don't I?" MEANWHILE, ON TARGET TWO... "Ugh, this sucks," said Emperor Klaktu, Scientology Spokesalien and Grand Ruler of Rigel VII, as he angrily checked his holographic chrono-keeper. "I've been waiting here for like, 20 cycle-parsecs for Tom to show up so we could go see Django Unchained already! Maybe he got lost? I don't know. Excuse me, Ann. I'm just going to text him real quick. See if he's close."