MONDAY, JANUARY 21
Today heralded a monumental event in American politics—the second inauguration of President Barack Obama—but don't worry! A bunch of stupid, inconsequential shit undermined these hallowed proceedings. INCONSEQUENTIAL SHIT #1: The entire internet squealed with delight during the inaugural luncheon when House Speaker/Republican crybaby John Boehner said "something" to the first couple, prompting Michelle Obama's eyes to almost roll out of her head. According to a lip reader hired by Inside Edition, the speaker was commenting on how the president would probably love a cigarette, but lamented, "Somebody [the first lady] won't let you do it." Cue Michelle's historic and hilarious eye roll! (Along with the rest of the planet who can't believe the GOP leader is such a sexist, tone-deaf dummy.) INCONSEQUENTIAL SHIT #2: Meanwhile, the first lady of SEXY, Beyoncé stunned the world with her soaring rendition of the "The Star-Spangled Banner"—or did she? It was later confirmed that Ms. B actually lip-synched her performance—to the unearned horror of the entire planet. While co-performers Kelly Clarkson and James Taylor sang their pieces live, Beyoncé apparently didn't think anything was wrong with her choice. "Pavarotti has done it!" screamed a source to Us magazine, rushing to the defense of the "Single Ladies" star. "It was freezing out, and if she messed up one note, that would have been the story." Okay... but instead, she didn't sing a single note, which is now an even bigger story. Oh, poor incredibly popular and rich celebrities! They just can't win. INCONSEQUENTIAL SHIT #3: For the inauguration, actor/perpetual college student James Franco was commissioned to perform and write a poem about Barack Obama. Unsurprisingly it was more about himself than the president, and subsequently terrible. (Maybe he should've lip-synched a talented person's poetry? EYE ROLL.)
TUESDAY, JANUARY 22
Lots of bad news (and good news!) today for Lindsay Lohan! Let's start with BAD NEWS: As reported last week, LiLo made the terrible decision to fire LA lawyer/savior Shawn Holley, who has snatched her from the jaws of prison innumerable times. And though she realized the error of her ways and tried to un-fire Holley, it was too late. The legal eagle is taking flight—and before Lindsay's next probation hearing on January 30. (Wait... that's good news! For Holley.) GOOD NEWS: According to the New York Post, Lindsay's multiple attempts to annoy boy band beefcake Max George into loving her are apparently beginning to bear fruit. This past weekend Lindsay twattered a photo of her and Max in what appeared to be a bedroom, horsing around like two lovebirds. Lindsay must've been over the moon... until she read the last paragraph in the story, which states that Max is actually interested in Taylor Swift. Gulp! (Okay, so maybe this is bad news.) MORE BAD NEWS: Lindsay's newest film The Canyons—directed by Paul Schrader—has been rejected from both the Sundance and SXSW film festivals, reportedly because of "quality issues." (That's good news! For audiences.) MORE GOOD NEWS: Lindsay is refusing to join the cast of the abysmal ABC reality show Dancing with the Stars, and is even turning down a... $550,000 paycheck?? (That's good news for TV viewers, and the ABC network who'd be lucky if she ever showed up for work—but it's terrible news for her nearly empty bank account, and for those who love trainwrecks. Like you. And ourselves! RETHINK THIS TERRIBLE DECISION, LINDSAY!)
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23
Why did Disney princess/singer Selena Gomez break it off with increasingly douchey teen pop star Justin Bieber? According to Star, he was busted getting stoned and having odd sex with a 22-year-old nursing student. The report states that he picked up the young miss at the Beverly Hills Four Seasons, bought some weed, went to McDonald's, and retired to his hotel where they smoked up, drank "sizzurp" (a concoction of Sprite, Jolly Ranchers, the antihistamine promethazine, and codeine cough syrup), talked about his intentions to build a hookah room in his house (EEEK! Gross.), and engaged in weird sexual activity where she was nude and he was not. Kids these days! The "sizzurp" we can understand, but clothed sex? That's just weeeeird.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 24
And lest we assume the entire population of Hollyweird are narcissistic, hookah-smoking, "sizzurp" freaks—here's the one truly good story of the week. Actor Christian Bale recently called an eight-year-old boy named Zach, who is currently fighting leukemia. He talked to the simply thrilled boy about such wide-ranging topics as Batman, Batman, and Batman (which is to be expected), and Bale was a complete prince about it. On behalf of all of us, a tip of the "sizzurp" cup to you, sir.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 25
"First of all, the fruitarian diet can lead to like severe issues," Ashton Kutcher told the Sundance crowd in Park City, Utah, who had the misfortune of enduring Jobs, the film in which professional moron Kutcher plays professional genius Steve Jobs. Ashton took the part so seriously he tried an all-fruit diet he says Jobs also adhered to! "I went to the hospital, like, two days before we started shooting the movie. I was, like, doubled over in pain. My pancreas levels were completely out of whack. It was really terrifying... considering everything." (As USA Today helpfully points out, Jobs died of pancreatic cancer.) Excuse us a moment, dears—we just need to send a fruit basket to Utah. Back in a sec!
SATURDAY, JANUARY 26
In the biggest news for nerds since the announcement of Mountain Dew-flavored Doritos, Disney revealed that J.J. Abrams—the director of Star Trek, co-creator of Lost, and producer of roughly 75 failed TV shows—will direct a new Star Wars film. "To be a part of the next chapter of the Star Wars saga... is an absolute honor," Abrams nasally droned in a press release. "I'm maybe even more grateful to George Lucas now than I was as a kid—" "WAIT JUST A MINUTE," Hubby Kip shouted after reading the news. "Are we really supposed to believe the man responsible for the resurrection of the Star Trek franchise will also do so for the Star Wars saga, so long tainted by the likes of Jar Jar Binks? Just because they both have 'star' in their titles, it does not mean that—" Oh shut up, Kip. MOVING ON... In less depressingly dweeby news (that still has to do with that dweeb J.J. Abrams), Abrams' production company has secured the rights to Cycle of Lies: The Fall of Lance Armstrong, a book about Armstrong's admission of doping. In talks to play the disgraced Tour de France "winner"? None other than Bradley Cooper! "We've been talking," Abrams confirmed to Entertainment Tonight... only to have Cooper reject the idea on Access Hollywood. "No! Oh my god, that's so nuts," Cooper laughed. "I didn't even know that J.J. has the rights, I had no idea. I don't know anything about it." Surprise, Brad! That's because Abrams actually cast you in Star Wars as Jar Jar Jr., the loveably clumsy son of—"WAIT JUST A MINUTE," Hubby Kip shouted after reading this sentence. "Are we really supposed to believe..." We said shut up, Kip! Moving on.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 27
Put on your boo-boo face everybody, because Taylor Swift's feelings are hurt! According to Radar Online, Taylor's sick of being teased about her constantly rotating cast of boyfriends. "At first Taylor just thought it was funny how much interest people had in her love life and went along with it," an insider gabs. "But now she's the butt of jokes on Saturday Night Live, in the tabloids, and on the late-night talk shows." Then another so-called "pal" jumped onto the mean-girl dogpile! "Taylor is so concerned that the public will think she's a whore because she dates around, that she doesn't put out," the source says. "What she doesn't get is that the guys keep dumping her because she's being a prude." Sigh. Okay, so first she was being "slut shamed," and since that didn't work, it's time for everyone's lazy "Taylor Swift is a prude" jokes? Thanks for being so predictable, internet!