MONDAY, JANUARY 28
America's most loveable sweetheart, Chris Brown, is back in the news again, and—say it isn't so! He and his posse allegedly jumped and attacked R&B singer/proud bisexual Frank Ocean? THIS IS SO UNLIKE CHRIS. (One moment while we disengage our "sarcastic all caps" function. There.) According to multiple sources, Brown and Ocean mixed it up in a parking spot dispute outside a Los Angeles recording studio last night. Apparently Ocean had taken Brown's parking place—the one usually reserved for the studio's biggest artist, which Chris naturally assumed was himself. Then, according to witnesses speaking to TMZ, the historically violent Brown threw the first punch, setting off a huge melee between their posses, which eventually moved into the recording studio lobby, smashing everything in sight. As usual, Brown fled before the police could arrive, and denies the witnesses' testimony, because he is nothing if not a reliable liar. However, in Brown's defense, he is getting better at sharing his feelings, because today on his Instagram account he posted his latest painting: a picture of Jesus Christ crucified on the cross with the caption, "Painting the way I feel today." Because you know... Jesus also hated it when people stole his parking spot—especially those queer bisexuals.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 29
Our lady of perpetual WTF, Lindsay Lohan is due in a Los Angeles court tomorrow—how many times have we written that phrase?—to set a date for her upcoming probation violation trial for lying to cops about one of her many automobile accidents and oh dear god we can't even keep track anymore. Here's the important thing: Lindsay's new lawyer Mark Heller has notified Judge Stephanie Sautner that LiLo (who's currently in NYC) has an upper respiratory infection and is too ill to fly, citing the flu epidemic that's sweeping New York, and including a note from her doctor. BUT HERE'S THE RUB: On the very day that her doctor wrote that note, TMZ posted pictures of the seemingly-not-very-sick Lindsay gaily shopping in SoHo and smoking up a storm. (But maybe respiratory infections are okay with that?) Obviously the authorities saw those incriminating pix, and fearing the judge would issue a bench warrant for her arrest, a terrified Lindsay hightailed it out of New York, hopping on the first plane that would take her to Los Angeles. Praise be to Jesus! Lindsay's cured! (And by "Jesus," we mean "Chris Brown.")
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 30
Yet another miracle! Lindsay Lohan arrived in court today ON TIME. (See what she can accomplish when she sets her mind to it?) Judge Stephanie Sautner began the proceedings by quipping to Lindsay, "I'm glad to see you are feeling better." (HAHAHAHAAA! Good one, judge.) After setting a date for Lindsay's trial, Judge Sautner also approved—"approved" is a strong word—"rolled her eyes and accepted" that Lindsay had fired her super competent lawyer Shawn Holley, replacing her with far-less-respected counsel Mark Heller... who actually walks around with a rabbit's foot attached to his briefcase. Why? Obviously because when one represents Lindsay Lohan, one needs all the occult one can get. Did we say "occult"? We meant "luck." MEANWHILE... Super Bowl-bound San Francisco 49er Chris Culliver came out today—admitting he's a homophobe. "I don't do the gay guys, man," the dim-witted Culliver said to shock jock Artie Lange. "No, we don't got no gay people on the team, they gotta get up out of here if they do." Fearing a tsunami-sized backlash, the 49ers—who it should be noted are based in SAN FRANCISCO—immediately issued a response rejecting Culliver's statements, which was then followed by a much more measured reaction and apology from Culliver himself. "The derogatory comments I made yesterday were a reflection of the thoughts in my head, but they are not how I feel," Culliver said in a statement. Sooooo... he thinks terrible homophobic thoughts, but doesn't feel them? BZZZT! BZZZT! CANNOT COMPUTE. SHUTTING DOWN ALL SYSTEMS. BZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 31
Rihanna finally explains to us (via Rolling Stone) why she got herself romantically re-involved with the vicious, violent douchebag (Chris Brown) who very nearly beat her to death: "It's different now. We don't have those types of arguments anymore. We talk about shit. We value each other.... He made a mistake, and he's paid his dues.... And sometimes people need support and encouragement, instead of ridicule and criticism and bashing." Okay, so we're all about forgiveness, but... READ A NEWSPAPER, RIHANNA. Particularly this one, and particularly what happened on MONDAY. (Somebody get this girl some smelling salts!)
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 1
Remember The Hills? No? Hmm. Okay. Can't fault you for that! Here's a reminder: Before Jersey Shore, there was The Hills, and two of The Hills' most profound idiots were Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, who, like entirely too many idiots, made a lot of money. So... what have they been up to? Oh, just enjoying their money. And giving advice! "Here's some advice," Spencer told OK! "Definitely do not spend your money thinking asteroids are coming." Turns out the couple's $10 million didn't last long. "Thing is, we heard that the planet was going to end in 2012," Spencer explains. "We thought, 'We have got to spend this money before the asteroid hits.'" And so: "I would give my friends $15,000 for their birthday. Just cash. I would buy people cars. Every valet I met got a couple of hundred pounds tip. I would pay people $200 just to open doors for us." (Here's another reminder: Back in 2010, Pratt claimed he was "so addicted to crystals," because "just by holding them, you're taking in that energy of that particular crystal." "I've spent $500,000 on crystals this year," he said. "I checked my bank account last night, and I have $203 left.") So, what can we learn from the Saga of Spencer and Heidi? (1) Don't believe the world is going to end in 2012. (2) Even if you fail at (1), don't spend all your money before 2012... just in case. (3) Don't misplace your "financial responsibility" crystal! Those things are super important!
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2
Continuing her valiant efforts to become Lohan 2.0, former child star Amanda Bynes has been evicted due to "complaints of marijuana coming from her apartment—morning, noon, and night." TMZ adds that "sources say she was also seen smoking weed in the hallways" of her non-smoking building. Hey, at least she left the place in good order, right? Oh, wait. "In Bynes' wake was an apartment littered with Marlboro Light cigarette butts and dirty Q-tips," says Us. We repeat: an apartment littered with Marlboro Light cigarette butts and dirty Q-tips. Good luck eating lunch today, dears.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 3
In yet another hee-larious move by the increasingly inept National Rifle Association, it turns out they have an "enemies list" on their website—one vilifying those who have "lent monetary, grassroots, or some other type of direct support to anti-gun organizations"! Posted in mid-September, it's a doozy of a read, starring everyone you'd expect (the National Organization for Women, those damn potheads in the College Democrats of America) and a bunch of other organizations—from the American Bar Association to the National Center to Rehabilitate Violent Youth, from Hallmark Cards to the YWCA. When it really gets good, though, is the "celebrities" section, which includes, among about a billion others, such monsters as Louie Anderson, Maya Angelou, Bob Barker, Boyz II Men, Steve Buscemi, Richard Dreyfuss, Dick Van Dyke, George Clooney, Sean Connery, Art Garfunkel, Ricki Lake, Howie Mandel, *NSYNC, Mary Lou Retton, Jerry Seinfeld, Britney Spears, Meryl Streep, and that filthy sex fiend Sting. "Most prestigious list I've ever made," chrome-domed sex symbol Patrick Stewart proudly tweeted after seeing the list. We're inclined to agree with him: Congrats to everyone on the list, and keep up the good work! If you're pissing off the NRA, you're doing something right. (Except for you, Howie Mandel. You never do anything right.)