MONDAY, NOVEMBER 13 Well, apparently there's no need for us to frantically root through our closet, desperately searching for a pair of Manolo Blahniks that will go with our Donna Karan—because as it turns out? WE WEREN'T INVITED TO TOMKAT'S WEDDING. The event of the season (in this, or any other galaxy) will be taking place this Saturday at an incredibly romantic Italian castle (which we're sure is the earthly portal that all Scientologists use when they are teleported on the whim of Emperor Klaktu to their home planet of Rigel VII). On the list are such Hollyweird glitterati as Jennifer Lopez (and that foreign guy she married), Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, Steven Spielberg, as well as the regular parade of Scientology drones such as John Travolta, Kelly Preston, Jenna Elfman, and that hot chick that was married to the fat guy on The King of Queens. Even—you're not going to believe this—Brooke Shields was invited (even though, according to Cruise, she's a slave to the evils of post-partum pharmaceuticals). Significantly NOT invited? Oprah Winfrey, who even allowed Tom to make an ass out of himself, and jump on her couch! That's gratitude for you! But Oprah's not taking it hard... or is she? "It's not that I'm not going, it's that they had a limited number of people they could invite," Oprah rationalized. "I was not one of the invitees. That's fine. I don't get invited to everyone's wedding." Hmm... is it just us, or does she sound super pissed? Maybe everyone didn't get invited, but Jenna Elfman did—and that can't make Oprah feel good. But... that's what one gets for not swearing allegiance to the grand Emperor Klaktu. That and an eternity of imprisonment in a Rigel VII dungeon.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 14 In gossip news that should shock absolutely no one, K.Fed (now known as Fed.X in the 'bloid world), has now awoken to the harsh realization that his meal ticket has come to an end, which means he's started begging Britney to take him back. Says a snoopy source, "Kevin has sent flowers and chocolates to Britney, but she asked an assistant to put them somewhere where she wouldn't have to look at them. He's also left voice messages, singing her love poems [EWWWW!], but Britney hasn't replied." Hasn't replied? That's weird—or it could mean that K.Fed's "love poems" could use a little work. Take for example, this poem he wrote on a dressing room shower door at his recent House of Blues concert in Chicago: "Today I am a free man/Ladies look out/Fuck a wife/Give me my kids Bitch!—Kevin Federline." Is it any wonder they call Kevin Federline the "Cyrano de Bergerac of Lazy, Untalented Freeloading Sperm Banks"?
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 15 Were you kind of hoping that after their most recent political drubbing, we'd never hear from those stinky Republicans again? FAT CHANCE. The 2008 race for the presidency is already heating up among GOP hopefuls, all of whom are figuring, "Well... I can't be any worse than George Bush." And they're right. Announcing his candidacy today was the so-called "Hero of 9/11," former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani (so called because he didn't shit his pants when the towers fell—like certain Republican presidents one might name). So, apparently, even though Giuliani was pretty much a creep while running NYC, keeping your underpants clean during a national emergency is what makes people qualified these days for running the highest office in the land. So far no word about jumping into the race from Republican Senator John McCain (who is significantly better than Bush), Democratic Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (who is somewhat better than Bush, but not as interesting), and Dem Senator Barack Obama (who is so much more awesomer than Bush, he makes Hillary look like Donald Rumsfeld—who is also better than Bush).
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 16 Acquitted murderer O.J. Simpson has scored an interview on the Fox network, in which he intends to confess how he would've killed his ex-wife and her friend—IF he had did it. Follow up interviews may include how he would've killed JFK, John Belushi, and a little bit of our soul every time we give this horrible fiend any extra publicity. [Update: Fox has canceled the interview, yet O.J. still got his publicity. Isn't it an AWESOME world?]
FRIDAY NOVEMBER 17 Here's the most important news of the week: I found the perfect pair of alligator flats from Miu Miu! Sure, they were $700, but can you put a price on the perfect pair of Miu Mius? No! MEANWHILE... Sure, you'd think bespectacled, hairless nerds spend all their time arguing who'd win in a Pokémon vs. Star Trek: Voyager fight. But dangle a PlayStation 3 in front of them and they transform from milquetoasty weaklings to vicious creatures of brutality and rage! This week was a dweeb apocalypse as nerdlings waited in line for a PlayStation 3: In Indiana, a man was stabbed when he tried to steal two PlayStations; in Connecticut, five men beat a man who had just bought a PS3, while teenagers at a Wal-Mart shot a man twice as they tried to steal the videogame console. At a Virgina Target, police fired a "talcum powder ball" into a crowd of 350 that was fighting over a mere eight PlayStations. The moral: Don't get between a nerd and his PlayStation 3. You will be killed, and the last words you hear will probably be something about Battlestar Galactica.
SATURDAY NOVEMBER 18 At last! As was prophesied 42 eons ago by the Elders of the Forbidden Zone, TomKat is married! An android imbued with L. Ron Hubbard's life-force, L-RON 1138, presided over the traditional Scientologist ceremony in Bracciano, Italy. Arriving on a dilithium crystal-powered landspeeder, Tom and Katie conducted the ceremony upon a hovering platform of gold-pressed latinum. E.T. served as ringbearer, while Tom's best man, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, toasted the pair with a wine flute filled with the blood of a baby gundark, calling TomKat "the finest pair of biped carbon-based lifeforms my optical sensors have yet detected. Our intergalactic domination is nigh! Dianetics!" As an erupting volcano shot a billion Thetans through the rings of Saturn and the Death Star's lasers created a whimsical light show to the Mission: Impossible theme, TomKat sweetly kissed, then promised "the swift and utter destruction of Planet Earth and the weak-willed meatbags who inhabit it." Plan accordingly.
SUNDAY NOVEMBER 19 Oh, Kramer! Your hijinks on Seinfeld have always kept us in stitches! Well, until now. This weekend, Michael Richards, who's best known (okay, is only known) as Jerry Seinfeld's wacko sitcom neighbor, decided to fight back when two black men heckled him at an LA comedy club. And Richards used the n-word. A lot. (We know what the n-word is. You know what the n-word is. And Kramer definitely knows what the n-word is. So instead of repeating it, let's replace it with... um... "Miu Miu.") "Fifty years ago, we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass!" Kramer screamed, adding "Throw his ass out! He's a Miu Miu! He's a Miu Miu! He's a Miu Miu! A Miu Miu, look, there's a Miu Miu!" As the crowd started to leave, Kramer kept it up: "They're going to arrest me for calling a black man a Miu Miu!" "It's not funny!" one of the men responded. "That's why you're a reject, never had no shows, never had no movies, Seinfeld—that's it!" "Oh, I guess you got me there," a suddenly forlorn Kramer admitted. "You're absolutely right. I'm just a wash up." Shortly thereafter, content that he'd ruined Seinfeld, Kramer went out for a nice after-show drink with his pal Mel Gibson.