MONDAY, FEBRUARY 4
Apparently it's not enough that Beyoncé knocked 'em dead at yesterday's Super Bowl—because today she also decreed that ugly pictures of herself must be taken OFF the internet! Queen B's publicist spent her day trying to undo a blog post from BuzzFeed titled "The 33 Fiercest Moments from Beyoncé's Halftime Show"—which in actuality were just 33 freeze frames of Beyoncé looking really weird and/or ugly. Now in BuzzFeed's defense, it's impossible to get a gorgeous-looking freeze frame of anyone (including Beyoncé or ourselves) 100 percent of the time. However, Beyoncé's publicist believed the site was purposefully choosing funny, ugly pictures—and they almost certainly were—and therefore strongly suggested they scrub seven of the offending photos. IN A RELATED STORY: Currently there are 50,482 ugly pictures of ugly monster hag Kim Kardashian on the internet—so Beyoncé? Don't even sweat it.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 5
As reported last week in One Day, violent douchebag Chris Brown has been at it again—punching openly bisexual singer Frank Ocean in the face during an altercation over a parking spot. And even though Brown allegedly threatened to shoot Ocean (according to the police report), Frank has decided NOT to press charges. On Ocean's Tumblr he wrote, "As a child I thought if someone jumped me it would result in me murdering or mutilating a man. But as a man I am not a killer.... No criminal charges. No civil lawsuit. Forgiveness, albeit difficult, is wisdom." MEANWHILE... Chris Brown also wrote something today... though not nearly as thoughtful. On his Instagram account, Chris Brown bemoaned the unfair treatment the world has been giving him because BOO HOO HOO! "Im wise I can handle the hate but enough is enough yo!!" wrote the tearful, and oh-so-misunderstood woman abuser. "Im a human being and I honestly think I deserve respect im sick of being accused. Im Tired yall just don't understand... when am I gonna get a positive outcome out of anything I do? A day in my shoes is a day in hell, believe it or not!" Ohhhhhh, poor, poor, POOR Chris Brown! We can only imagine the absolute "hell" you go through on a daily basis—nearly murdering Rihanna with your fists, verbally abusing women on your Twatter machine, wearing racist Halloween costumes, throwing chairs through windows, getting into fights with Drake and Frank Ocean... and yet— for some weird, inexplicable reason—you never get a "positive outcome" from these actions. You're right, Chris. IT'S A COMPLETELY UNSOLVABLE MYSTERY.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 6
Oh. And here's one we forgot to mention: Chris Brown has also been accused of neglecting his court-ordered community service in connection to his 2009 assault of Rihanna. The LA County District Attorney invited Brown to the courtroom today to answer charges that while he was supposed to be picking up trash in Virginia, he was actually flying on a private jet to Cancun. While the judge stated he needed more time to review the claim (setting another court date for April 5), Brown's lawyer Mark Geragos was apoplectic with righteous indignation, fiercely denying the charges, and ranting to the judge, "I have never had a client who has been tortured like Chris Brown has." Soooo... maybe he should visit Guantanamo?
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 7
The idiot parade continues! Today Donald Trump filed a lawsuit against talk show host Bill Maher claiming the comedian owes him $5 million. Why? Because Trump is apparently not the product of a woman and an orangutan. Whaaaaaat? Allow us to explain: Back when Trump was making his idiotic offering of $5 million to Obama if the president would release his college transcripts and passport records, comedian Maher responded by offering Trump $5 million if the businessman/sideshow attraction could prove he isn't "the spawn of his mother having sex with an orangutan." Today Trump filed the legal papers to actually sue Maher for his quip—take a moment to process that—causing the comedian to wonder aloud if Trump knew the difference between a joke and a contract. "The legal system is not a joke," Maher fired back. "It's not a toy for rich idiots to play with." Hmmm... perhaps it would be more accurate to assume Trump is the spawn of a woman and a jackass.
FRIDAY FEBRUARY 8
This weekend Identity Thief opened in theaters—and despite scathing reviews, the comedy grossed a whopping $36 million. Starring Emmy-winning actress Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids, Mike and Molly) and that guy who hasn't done anything good since Arrested Development, one thing everyone agreed on was that McCarthy's a talented comedienne who deserves better projects and is also a "cacophonous," "tractor-sized" "female hippo" and a "gimmick comedian who has devoted her short career to being obese and obnoxious with equal success." Wait. WHAT? Oh, sorry—those last few things were what dim-witted, numb-nutted movie critic Rex Reed wrote about McCarthy in his Identity Thief review. While McCarthy was too classy to respond to Reed's petty insults, we aren't nearly that refined... so! Rex, honey? While we hate to interrupt your work of hastening the obsolescence of film criticism, we'd like to invite you to [CENSORED, EVEN BY THE MERCURY'S "STANDARDS"], and then you can [REDACTED] and suck it right out of our [REDACTED]. And that's all we have to say about that.
SATURDAY FEBRUARY 9
Ta-da! Here's the week's best and/or worst headline, courtesy of the Associated Press: "Steven Segal, Sheriff Train Arizonans to Guard Schools." Thanks to Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio—who's very concerned about school safety, you see, and certainly not a moron—"Seagal, best known for his roles in movies such as Above the Law and Under Siege, will lead training on hand-to-hand defense tactics, among other techniques, drawing from his expertise in martial arts." The AP continues, "Seagal is already a volunteer posse member in Maricopa County, and has been deputized with the sheriff's offices in New Mexico, Texas, and Louisiana, where a film crew followed the actor on ride-alongs with Jefferson Parish sheriff's deputies for the reality show Steven Segal: Lawman. Arpaio says other notable people have also joined his more than 3,000-strong volunteer armed posse, including The Incredible Hulk star Lou Ferrigno and actor Peter Lupus of TV's Mission: Impossible." Excellent plan, Arizona! It reminds us how fitting your state motto is: Arizona: Basically the Rex Reed of States, in That Everyone Forgets We Exist Except When We're Phenomenally Stupid.
SUNDAY FEBRUARY 10
Today in California, police officers continued their manhunt for Christopher Dorner, the former LAPD officer who threatened to wage "unconventional and asymmetrical warfare to those in LAPD uniform whether on or off duty." But don't worry, everybody—Charlie Sheen is on the case! Sheen, who was mentioned in Dorner's online manifesto, made a video for TMZ, in which he valiantly decided to become Charlie Sheen: Lawman. "You mentioned me in your manifesto, so thank you for your kind words," Sheen began. (Dorner's kind words, for the record: "Charlie Sheen, you're effin' awesome.") "I am urging you to call me," Sheen continued. "Let's figure out how to end this thing." As of press time, police were still looking for Dorner—and, so far as we know, Dorner has yet to call, text, or even send any emojis to Sheen. Stay tuned for updates.