MONDAY, FEBRUARY 11
Aaaaad the Most Terrible Person of the Week Award goes to... someone other than Chris Brown? Amazing, but true! Certain homophobic students from Sullivan High School in Indiana—with encouragement from special education teacher/Most Terrible Person of the Week Diana Medley—rallied yesterday for a separate prom that would ban gays. "We want to make the public see that we love the homosexuals," said one of the creepy students, BUT... "But we don't think it's right nor should it be accepted." The despicable Diana Medley has been helping the students push for their separate-but-unequal prom. "Homosexual students come to me with their problems, and I don't agree with them, but I care about them," said fucking hypocrite Medley. "I think God puts everyone in our lives for a reason." When asked by reporters if Medley thought gay people have a "purpose" in life, she responded, "No, I honestly don't. Sorry, but I don't." In response, God issued the following statement: "Even though I don't exist, if I did, I would say that everyone has a purpose... especially Diana Medley. Otherwise, how would we know what a walking, talking asshole looks like?" MEANWHILE... Okay, so Chris Brown still receives "runner up" in our "most terrible person of the week" competition for the following: 1) Being the only person at the Grammy's who didn't stand up for award-winning Frank Ocean—who he attacked last week in a very mature parking space argument. 2) Suing rap star Drake for last summer's club riot, which Brown clearly started. And 3) blaming paparazzi for allegedly causing him to crash his car this past weekend—even though the responding police seemed to think he was full of shit. Step it up, Chris! The week is still young, and that number one slot is still within reach!
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 12
Also terrible? Four-year-old Vivienne Jolie-Pitt for making FOUR times as much money as we do! Toddler Pitt—daughter of dreamy cheat Brad Pitt and screeching witch/homewrecker Angelina Jolie—is playing the role of "Young Aurora" next to mama Angie in the upcoming movie Maleficent, and making an obscene $3,000 per week. Note: If this news is just too much to bear, feel free to join us as we end it all. We can break out a couple of glasses, a carafe of poisoned wine... let's make a night of it! MEANWHILE... Hunky hunk of man-meat Max George of boy band the Wanted has admitted he "snogged" Lindsay Lohan! After being seen gallivanting around England together, a reporter from E! News asked George if he and LiLo actually "snogged." "Yes, we did," George replied, "a little one." WAIT. A little one?? How does one do a "little" snog? Hold on for a second... OH. Okay, so according to the dictionary, "snog" means something totally different than we thought. Never mind, and as you were!
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 13
Now it's time for "Little-Known Things About Celebrities that Might Disgust You." According to TMZ, party-hearty glitter freak Ke$ha recently described some of the shenanigans she engaged in during the filming of her upcoming MTV documentary, Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life. "[My director filmed] all the things you would want to see and all the things you wouldn't really want to see," Ke$ha humbly bragged. "Making out with dudes, drinking my own pee, jumping out of airplanes, swimming with sharks...." Wai-wai-wai-wai-wait a second, Ke$ha! You mean you actually kissed dudes? Girl, you CRAY-CRAY! MEANWHILE... Slithering, reptilian harpy Kim Kardashian recently gave style website Eye on Glam a tour of her wardrobe, and surprise! It was both baroque and grotesque. Besides owning a Louis Vuitton bag... from every single collection, she was especially proud of one acquisition: a $90,000 pair of sneakers. "They didn't manufacture a lot," Kim sniffed haughtily. "Luckily I know someone who was able to get me a pair." Mmmm... let us guess... the shoes are made by Tibetan sex slaves from the soft underbellies of orphan babies and the designer is Hannibal Lechter. Ha. Nailed it first time.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! Sooo, how did you spend the most romantic holiday of the year? Well, in South Africa, model Reeva Steenkamp was murdered by her paraplegic Olympic track champion boyfriend Oscar Pistorius—a self-described gun enthusiast (read: gun nut) who claims he thought he was shooting an intruder. However, police aren't buying his excuse because of the couple's numerous prior domestic disputes. And, making a terrible situation even worse, the day before Valentine's, Reeva posted her last Tweet ever, asking her followers, "What do you have up your sleeve for your love tomorrow?" UNGGH.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 15
With all of Monday's hustle and bustle of awarding the Most Terrible Person of the Week Award, we totally spaced that something else kinda big happened: Pope Benedict XVI announced that he was going to step down—the first time a pope has done so in 600 years! While the creepy dark wizard claimed his declining health was the reason for the surprise resignation, come on—popes usually keep their jobs for life, no matter how incontinent, blind, deaf, frail, or Alzheimer's-y they get. Which makes us think something else might be up? Hmmm. IN TOTALLY COINCIDENTAL NEWS... "Pope Benedict's decision to live in the Vatican after he resigns will provide him with security and privacy," reports Reuters. "It will also offer legal protection from any attempt to prosecute him in connection with sexual abuse cases around the world." Hmmm.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 16
We're proud to announce our new weekly series: "Good Decision, Katy Perry!" In this installment of Good Decision, Katy Perry!, we first must turn to one of the most talented pop stars in the world, Rihanna, who—thanks to her ongoing relationship with Chris Brown, an all-around disgusting excuse for a human being who once beat her to a bleeding pulp—is also one of the dumbest women in the world. Anyways, Rihanna and Katy used to be BFFs... but no longer! "They aren't tight anymore because Katy doesn't approve of Rihanna dating Chris Brown," a source gabs to Us. Good decision, Katy Perry! Now, everybody else around Rihanna: Follow Katy's lead! MEANWHILE... We're proud to announce another new weekly series: "Bad Decision, Katy Perry!" In this installment of Bad Decision, Katy Perry!, we first must turn to John Mayer—the skeevy, dimwitted lothario who has somehow managed to seduce every woman in Hollyweird, from Jennifer Aniston to Jessica Simpson to Jennifer Love Hewitt to Taylor Swift. And a few days ago, on Valentine's? Mayer took his on-again, off-again GF Katy Perry out to dinner, where he gave her a custom heart-shaped ring! Katy Perry kept it. Bad decision, Katy Perry! You can do better! (No, the fact Rihanna's dating someone even worse doesn't get you off the hook.)
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 17
Making a last-minute rally for Most Terrible Person of the Week is one Alec Baldwin, who—now that the amazing 30 Rock has ended—has reportedly decided to spend the day... well, as TMZ puts it, today he "allegedly threatened to choke a reporter to death and hurled a racial slur at a photographer." After being approached by a reporter and a photographer from the New York Post while walking his dogs, Baldwin reportedly snapped, telling the reporter, "I want to choke you to death" and inviting the black reporter to "suck my dick." "He was saying some serious racist stuff," the photographer, a former NYPD detective, told the Post—adding that when he showed Baldwin his ID, Baldwin told him it was "fake" before calling him a "crackhead" who "just got out of jail." Alec, Alec, Alec. This... this is the behavior of a lesser Baldwin. You're a better Baldwin than this! Don't retroactively ruin 30 Rock for us—or at least not before Tina Fey has another show we can obsess over.