MONDAY, JULY 28 Welcome to One Day at a Time: your home for the latest beef about Shia LaBeouf! Today we've got good LaBeouf news and bad LaBeouf news: The bad news is that the beefalicious LaBeouf crushed his hand in last weekend's drunken car accident, requiring emergency hand surgery. The good news is that you can buy wreckage from the accident on eBay! EEEEEEE! Right? For a limited time, LaBeofans can bid on "broken glass and plastic pieces from Shia's truck." And it gets even better! According to this eBay entrepreneur, "This is your chance to own a piece of Hollywood History... Own a piece of his shame." WOW! We have got to put that phrase on a T-shirt! MEANWHILE... A $250 million lawsuit has been filed against the Church of Scientology—which includes Tom Cruise! Former Scientologist Peter Letterese is suing the cul... the "religion," claiming he's been constantly harassed by church members since denouncing his faith. [For more information about Scientology, check out Matt Davis' excellent feature in this very issue!] Letterese also calls the church a "crime syndicate" that is "aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise" who has "assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds" in the tens of millions of dollars. "Harrassment?" roared Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, furiously rising from his ether-bath of toxic Xylbanthian gasses. "Earthling Peter Letterese, your insultingly primitive humanoid mind knows not the meaning of the word! For when I shall set my Gralbanzian shark-hounds upon you, your screams will be heard from the depths of Jupiter's core to the plasma-clouds of Aelor Prime! For then, as you scream out apologies to L. Ron Hubbard and his prodigal son Tom Cruise, then you shall know the meaning of 'harassment!'" Catching his breath, Klaktu took a moment to pause. "Sorry," he added. "That came out a little harsh. It's just been a long week, and I finally get into an ether-bath, and then this comes up, and... you know?" Settling back into his Xylbanthian gasses, Klaktu let out a long sigh. "Deep breaths, Klaktu... deeeeep breaaaths."
TUESDAY, JULY 29 An earthquake measuring 5.4 on the Richter scale rocked Los Angeles today—but it wasn't strong enough to break or damage anything belonging to Shia LaBeouf. Sorry, eBayers! MEANWHILE... For those thinking about running for president in 2012, it may not be a good idea to let rapper Ludacris write your campaign jingles. Today the Obama campaign was infuriated by Ludacris' new pro-Obama song entitled "Politics as Usual," which included lyrics such as "Put me in office, make me your vice president/Hillary hated on you, so that bitch is irrelevant." And "Paint the White House black and I'm sure that's got 'em terrified/McCain don't belong in any chair unless he's paralyzed/Yeah I said it 'cause Bush is mentally handicapped/Ball up all his speeches and just throw 'em like candy wrap." The Obama campaign called the song "outrageously offensive" and that while "Ludacris is a talented individual, he should be ashamed of these lyrics." Plus he didn't even mention Karl Rove!
WEDNESDAY, JULY 30 A Los Angeles Superior Court has extended Britney Spears' conservatorship—meaning that hillbilly Papa Spears will be performing underwear checks on his daughter through the end of the year. Hey, enough is enough! WE WANT OUR BRITNEY BACK! (Can someone please make a "Free Britney Spears" T-shirt? Or even better, tube top?)
THURSDAY, JULY 31 First the Republicans were comparing Barack Obama to Osama bin Laden—but now they've moved on to comparing him to something even WORSE: Britney Spears and Paris Hilton! In the new political commercial for John McCain, Obama is pictured with the two Hollywood floozies while a narrator asks, "He's the biggest celebrity in the world, but is he ready to lead?" Well, in comparison to Britney and Paris, we'd say, "YES." Plus, as long as McCain has brought it up, we'd say there are several ways in which Obama would make a better president than Britney and Paris: (1) He wears underpants! (2) He's never dated anyone who wears a soul patch. (3) He doesn't carry a dog in his purse. (4) He's never said to reporters, "EAT IT, LICK IT, SNORT IT, FUCK IT." (5) He's not unnecessarily vicious toward Lindsay Lohan. (6) He has never shared a reality show with Kevin Federline. (7) He enjoys a friendly, healthy relationship with Nicole Richie. (8) He's never checked in and out of a foreign rehab and/or jail. (9) He's never heaved his guts out in an LA club while trying to keep his wig from falling off. And (10) He doesn't make night-vision sex tapes. (Oh, but we can dream, can't we?)
FRIDAY, AUGUST 1 Earlier this week, Dr. Bruce E. Ivins, an Army scientist in Maryland, killed himself. The reason? The FBI had been investigating him for six years, suspecting Ivins was the man behind the 2001 anthrax attacks. (Keep in mind this is the same organization that focused for years on the wrong man in the case: The wrongly accused Dr. Steven J. Hatfill settled in June with the FBI, and he'll now be receiving $5 million in taxpayer dollars for the FBI's blunder.) Whether Ivins' suicide proves his guilt, however, is up for debate: The New York Times reported this weekend that the evidence around him was "circumstantial" at best, and even former Senator Tom Daschle, one of the targets of the attacks, is critical. "Given the fact that they already paid somebody else $5 million for the mistakes they must have made gives you some indication of the overall caliber and quality of the investigation," he quipped this weekend on Fox News. Oooh, snap, former Senator Tom Daschle! In your face, FBI! And rest in peace, Dr. Ivins! (Hmm... that was awkward.)
SATURDAY, AUGUST 2 So Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian now... well, at least according to "an inside unnamed source." For weeks, LizBo has been holding hands and making googly canoodle eyes at her "special masculine lady-friend" Samantha Ronson—and Lindsay, while it might not be official, you're not fooling anyone. In fact, people are already planning your wedding! "They've decided it isn't a fling—it's for life," a supposed insider gabbed to the British tab News of the World. According to this source, that means a Lohan/Ronson wedding is in the works! (Which will never happen because LiLo is too much of a drunk to plan a wedding!) But first things first, Linds: COME OUT OF THE ALLEGED CLOSET. Everyone's okay with it, and according to one of our anonymous sources (who may or may not be named Hubby Kip), "her being into chicks makes her way more attractive." Say, we know weddings take a lot of planning—but divorces are pretty easy, right?
SUNDAY, AUGUST 3 Pictures of Brangelina's twins have finally been published, satisfying millions of fans' curiosity as to what the most perfect genetic creations on the planet look like. And, well, turns out the littlest Brangelinas look just like... ugh, babies. They're small and wrinkly and look like gross tiny little old men, and they remind this gossip columnist why she forced Hubby Kip to get that little operation a few years ago. MEANWHILE... In related Brangelina news, Angie's estranged father, actor Jon Voight, penned a political editorial for the Washington Times this weekend, in which the actor insisted that, "If, God forbid, we live to see Mr. [Dreamy Barack] Obama president, we will live through a socialist era that America has not seen before." Accusing Democrats as having "targeted young people" to "program their minds," he also insisted that Obama grew up "with the teaching of very angry, militant white and black people... [who] will gain power for their need to demoralize this country." Yes, Jon—mm-hmm. And this is why when grownups talk about politics, they don't usually invite the star of Anaconda, Bratz, Transformers, National Treasure, and SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 to the table.