MONDAY, FEBRUARY 25
You know you want it, so stop playing coy: Here's more gossipy Oscar scoopage! ITEM! Cheating Twilight skank Kristen Stewart hobbled down the red carpet dressed in an ill-fitting Reem Acra gown and crutches under her arms. WHAT WAS UP WITH THAT? According to Us magazine and their behind-the-scenes bigmouth, Anne Hathaway—who we're beginning to like less and less, BTW—Kristen cut her foot after stepping on some glass. Upon hearing this backstage, Hathaway reportedly told Stewart, "Well, break a leg... oops!" Fuck you, Anne Hathaway. ITEM! Normally beloved satirical newspaper The Onion really stepped in it for twattering the following about nine-year-old Oscar nominee Quvenzhané Wallis: "Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but Quvenzhané Wallis is kind of a cunt, right?" Unsurprisingly, outrage was sure and swift, and the rabid teeth of the internet immediately sunk into the fleshy parts of The Onion, who was forced to make a quick and heartfelt apology. Note to all media organizations: Don't let Chris Brown be your Twatter manager. ITEM! Speaking of people who shouldn't be allowed to do anything ever, guess who Chris Brown was snapped giving a smiling hug to at the post-Oscars AIDS benefit bash? Host Elton John. Chris Brown was probably thinking, "Man, this is just the photo op I needed," while Elton was saying to himself, "AIDS or Chris Brown... which is worse?"
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 26
Hmmm... is it just us, or does Chris Brown have a new publicist that's putting some spit 'n' polish on his abusive, dickhead image? After Sunday's forced photo shoot with Elton John, Chris gave an interview with limey tabloid the Mirror, admitting he and Rihanna are now a couple again, while attempting to appear sorry for the beatdown he calls "the greatest regret" of his life. "But she loves me—what can I say?" Brown told the Mirror. "I'm forgiven, but yes, I worked hard for it." In addition he claims he's learned to deal with his fame, and has "grown up." In a related story, Chris apparently can't remember the numerous terrible things he's done in the last four years, otherwise he would realize he hasn't grown up at all. Good luck, Rihanna! Once again, you'll need it. MEANWHILE...Villainous harpy Kim Kardashian and her still brainwashed boytoy Kanye West posed nude on the cover of this month's L'Officiel Hommes—because as we already know, the French have an extremely high tolerance for disgusting things. In the photo, we see Kanye's bare back with Kim's arms around him, and her face looking identical to a trout that's been injected with Thorazine. France—we wish you weren't in France, so we could tell you to go back to France.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 27
In more unlikeable Anne Hathaway news, Us magazine reports that Anne "practiced her Oscar acceptance speech a lot" in order to be "more likeable." It didn't work. MEANWHILE... The Daily News is reporting that Suri Cruise, the Scientology-ordered offspring of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, has been using a body double to throw paparazzi off the scent when she appears in public. "No... Nooo... NOOOOOOO!!" wailed Emperor Klaktu, the grand exalted leader of the Rigel VII star system and unofficial Scientology spokesalien. "Ann, are you telling me that the little girl we've been extensively training to eventually rule the cosmos and enslave humankind could be a FAKE??" After a short pause, he added, "Actually, that could explain why she thought Dianetics was the name of a character from My Little Pony."
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 28
Today it was learned that the increasingly unlikeable Anne Hathaway infuriated designer Valentino Garavani after dumping his Oscar dress at the last second to wear a Prada gown that made her nipples look like a ring toss game. According to Us magazine, unlikeable Anne threw a hissy fit at the Oscar rehearsals after noticing that actress Amanda Seyfried was wearing an almost identical Alexander McQueen gown, hence the switch-o change-o. A post-Oscars Anne issued the following weak, half-hearted "apology" to Valentino: "Though I love the dress I did wear [the one with nipple implants], it was a difficult last-minute decision as I had so looked forward to wearing Valentino." See? See? She "had SO looked forward" to it! Who talks like that? Assholes, that's who. DEAR GOD, SHE'S UNLIKEABLE.
FRIDAY, MARCH 1
Just when we thought Rihanna couldn't get any dumber, she's happy to prove us wrong! In a recent interview with Elle UK, Ri-Ri promoted her new song "Stay" by explaining it's all about Chris Brown—who, just as a friendly reminder, might be hugging Elton John these days, but in the past has brutally beat her. "'Stay' is a story about having love that close and wanting it to last forever," the clueless pop starlet prattled. "I would definitely say that [Brown] is the one I have that kind of relationship with." Between talking about her current hobbies ("I Instagram everything about my life, whether it's smoking pot, in a strip club, reading a Bible verse—how crazy, I know—or hanging with my best friend, who happens to be Chris") and her future plans with Brown ("I will probably have a kid"), she—AAACK. WE CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE. Somebody talk some sense into this idiot. MEANWHILE... Almost as dim-witted but not quite is Mark Heller—Lindsay Lohan's lawyer! Heller recently tried to get Linds out of whatever legal quagmire she's currently in by telling Judge James Dabney that his client just needed "mercy and compassion." Judge Dabney's response? Throwing Heller's motions out, then straight-up telling LiLo to hire a better lawyer. "Somebody needs to come in to assist you who has SOME experience in California law," TMZ reports the judge told Linds—after which he pointed out that he was "somewhat concerned that you have sufficient guidance in criminal procedure in California." Lindsay, we'd like to introduce you to your new lawyer: Lionel Hutz. We expect you two will get along like gangbusters.
SATURDAY, MARCH 2
Obnoxiously flamboyant former basketball pro Dennis Rodman was in North Korea this weekend, for reasons that... well, reasons no one seems quite sure of? Anyway, according to NPR, Rodman's now "the only American to have met and talked with" North Korea's despotic leader, Kim Jong-un—and after returning home, Rodman swung by This Week with George Stephanopoulos to chat! After Stephanopoulos asked Rodman if he was aware that Kim really, really hates America, Rodman explained everything could all be solved with one little phone call from President Obama. "[Kim] wants a call from President Obama?" an incredulous Stephanopoulos asked. "That's right. He told me that," Rodman said. "He said, 'If you can, Dennis, I don't want to do war. I don't want to do war.'" Rodman then suggested that Obama and Kim could make small talk about basketball. "Let's start there," Rodman suggested. Stephanopoulos then asked if Rodman was familiar with Kim's deplorable human rights practices, or had heard Kim's constant threats to destroy America. "Well, I think that's coming from his father. I think as a young man, he doesn't want anything [like] that. He loves power, he loves control, because of his dad and stuff like that," Rodman mused. "He's a great guy. He's just a great guy if you sit down and talk to him." Yes, dears: Dennis Rodman is the closest thing the free world has to an ambassador to North Korea. Panic.
SUNDAY, MARCH 3
Slimmed-down actor Jonah Hill's meat-based, low-carb diet has had an... unfortunate side effect, says the National Enquirer. "When the body metabolizes protein, ammonia is produced. When people eat high-protein meals, there tends to be increased ammonia in their breath and urine," the tabloid explains. "In large amounts, this can smell pretty bad." And thus? "His breath is toxic," a source close to Hill gabs. "He smells like a big garlic beef ball!" The unlucky Hill—who, the source adds, is "actually super-hygienic"—is now called "Meat Mouth" behind his back, and even his valiant attempts to curtail his stench with mints have met with failure. "They make him smell like a minty garlic beef ball," the source says. On the upside? He's still more pleasant to be around than Anne Hathaway.