MONDAY, MARCH 4
Look. All of us want to save Lindsay Lohan—but who will actually step up and do it? Why, Charlie Sheen of course... who, as we know, is no stranger to walking through the fires of celebrity hell, dressing in naught but "winning," and drinking naught but "tiger blood." Here's what he said to TMZ yesterday: "I have a kinship with somebody [Lindsay] who clearly needs a mentor, whether she wants one or not. She can continue to hang out with her dress-shredding club buddies [Regular readers of One Day will get this reference.—Ann], or turn to me for some advice." Charlie then finished his rant with, "If she listens, she'll win. If she doesn't, that's on her." And with that, Charlie saluted the reporter, hopped into his Red Bull-powered F-18, and blasted off to Cocaine and Prostitute Island. (Formerly known as "Winning Adonis DNA Island.") MEANWHILE... The rapper known as Drake—archenemy of public douchebag #1 Chris Brown—reportedly recently visited the Cameo strip club in Charlotte, North Carolina, opened a box of $50,000 in $1 bills, and then "made it rain" as the kids like to say. (We're starting to see why Drake and Chris don't get along. They're a bit too much alike.) MEANWHILE... The first sentence in this Us magazine article says it all: "He may be one of the wealthiest young stars in Hollywood, but Shia LaBeouf can't resist Olive Garden's affordable soup, salad, and breadsticks combo!" And with that, we bid you a "good day."
TUESDAY, MARCH 5
Alert the president, military, and Congress: Teen pop star Miley Cyrus is "taking a break" from social media! After reading in Life & Style weekly that her fiancé Liam Hemsworth rubbed his genitals all over those of Mad Men's January Jones following a Chateau Marmont shindig, Miley reportedly flew into a rage and ended the pair's engagement. However, not only is Miley denying the story of Liam's supposed infidelity, she's also denying the split! "I am so sick of La. And sick of the lies that come with it," Miley glumly twattered on her twatter machine. "I didn't call off my wedding. Taking a break from social media. #draining" Hey Miley, we understand that gossip sites make things up on occasion (present company excluded, of course), but why are you punishing the world by denying them your oh-so-important social media postings? For example, this one from February: "'Snuggle' the bear gives me nightmares." THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW THIS.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 6
In further pop starlet news: Habitually scorned songstress Taylor Swift is grumpy again—this time with universally beloved comedians Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. After the pair made a joke at serial-dating Taylor's expense while hosting the Golden Globes—begging her to not to date Michael J. Fox's son—TayTay responded thusly in Vanity Fair: "You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people. Because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, 'There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women.'" Okay, so that's just the kind of thing that makes Taylor seem like a spoiled rotten entitled little princess. However, as always, Amy Poehler—who actually has a website devoted to helping teenage girls—had a fantastic response to TSwift's snit fit. "Aw, I feel bad if she was upset," Poehler told the Hollywood Reporter. "I am a feminist and she is a young and talented girl. That being said, I do agree I am going to hell. But for other reasons. Mostly boring tax stuff." (1) YAY! And (2) coincidentally, we're going to hell, also! Save us a seat, Amy! (We'll bring the thermos of vodka!)
THURSDAY, MARCH 7
Last week we reported that girlfriend-beater Chris Brown told London's Mirror that he has "worked hard" for Rihanna's forgiveness and has "grown up." Let's see how that's shaping up: According to TMZ, Chris verbally assaulted a parking valet at an LA bowling alley last night over a $10 parking charge. Apparently Chris felt he shouldn't be charged if he was only inside for 30 minutes, and responded by screaming at the valet, "Fuck 10 dollars!" Even after his crew said they would pay the charge, Chris allegedly got in the valet's face and threatened, "We gonna turn this whole thing on out." Eventually, Chris walked away—but he wouldn't have done that in the old days! He would have at least beat the man nearly to death or thrown a chair through the window. See? He has grown!
FRIDAY, MARCH 8
Today in Relationship Advice from Chris Brown, Who Is Now Totally Grown Up™: "You gotta say that one thing to her: 'Don't make me have to tell you again, that's my pussy, baby! So you better not give it away!'" Those were the words shouted by Brown yesterday while he was out partying at Hollywood's Emerson Theatre—where, according to TMZ, he "grabbed the mic from the DJ" and "went off on how to talk to your woman." "So every person in this motherfucking building, if you got a bad bitch, you better say that shit to her," Brown continued, "or she might fuck another [N-word redacted.—Ann]." To sum things up: Chris Brown, a man who nearly beat Rihanna to death, believes he owns Rihanna's vagina (and also that he shouldn't have to pay for parking). Rihanna, whose profound lack of intelligence and self-respect appears to directly correspond with her lack of any and all self-preservation instincts, is still with Chris Brown (who's still pretty upset about that whole parking situation). And absolutely none of this can possibly, possibly end well. Ugh. Moving on.
SATURDAY, MARCH 9
Well, here's some excellent news to cleanse our palate! "George Clooney, Stacy Keibler Headed for a Breakup," reports Us! Eeeee! "Insiders say the pair have been increasingly butting heads in recent months," Us says. "She likes to go out and have fun," a source gabs. "She's been feeling the age difference." Eeeee! That age difference, by the way, is a dashingly debonair 51 (Clooney) versus a naïvely idiotic 33 (Keibler). Keibler, the report goes on to suggest, doesn't like spending all her time with the most charming and handsome man in the world at his beautiful Italian mansion on Lake Como. WHAT. Dump that inane little ingrate, George, dump her. And when you do, dear? We'll be right by our iPhone. Waiting for your call. And—this is just a hunch, George, but it's a very reliable one—we'll be happy to never, ever leave you alone. At your picturesque mansion on Lake Como. Ever. Because seriously. Who would.
SUNDAY, MARCH 10
This just in! A dim-witted paparazzo asked Tina Fey what she thought of all the Taylor Swift drama! "Do you think Taylor Swift overreacted with the joke?" the paparazzo asked Fey on the streets of New York, clearly trying to get a reaction out of the beloved 30 Rock creator/star/hero. Fey's excellent response, delivered while grinning? "Go fuck yourself." FEY 1, PAPARAZZO 0. But it continued! "Do you think she took the joke a little too far?" the pap asked. "Can you comment on anything?" This time Fey pretended to check her texts as she helpfully offered, "You can go fuck yourself." FEY 2, PAPARAZZO 0. But there's still more! When the mouth-breathing pap whined to Fey that she wasn't being friendly to him, Fey gave him even more helpful advice: "Get a job, dude." FEY 3, PAPARAZZO 0! TINA FEY IS UNDEFEATED! Just like always. Just like always.