MONDAY, MARCH 11
Well, this explains a lot: "Kim Kardashian's Vampire Facelift." On yesterday's episode of the absolutely abysmal Kourtney and Kim Take Miami, Kim showed the results of her so-called "vampire facelift" beauty-enhancing procedure—which looked like someone had rubbed a bloody, skinned squirrel all over her face. According to plastic surgeon Dr. Jeffrey Spiegel speaking to OMG!, the procedure entails withdrawing two teaspoons of your own blood, adding chemicals, spinning it down, separating it, and then injecting it back into your own face. "It's similar to—if you ever scraped your knee, that kind of yellowy stuff that you see oozing out—it's like that," Dr. Spiegel said. "You inject this back into the area where there are wrinkles." In a related story, the empty, bloodless body of Kanye West was found today in a Los Angeles dumpster. Probably a coincidence. MEANWHILE... A startling number of celebs were hacked this weekend, and much of their personal financial information (including social security numbers, credit card info, telephone numbers, and more) was published on the internet. These celebs included Jay-Z, Beyoncé, Britney Spears, Donald Trump, Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, Ashton Kutcher, Mel Gibson, Michelle Obama, Joe Biden, Tiger Woods, Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, and more. Now just to be clear, we think hacking is a childish, terrible invasion of privacy and no one deserves this kind of treatment. Okay, except for Kim Kardashian. And maybe Donald Trump. Sure, throw Mel Gibson in there. Oh! And Mitt Romney. And Tiger Woods. And Sarah Palin. But seriously, people! No one else! (Except maybe Ashton Kutcher.)
TUESDAY, MARCH 12
Hear that sound? Those are the hearts of pre-teen girls everywhere shattering into pieces after it was discovered that hundreds of unopened fan letters addressed to country pop star Taylor Swift were unceremoniously thrown in a dumpster. According to Nashville's News 2, the bedazzled, sparkly, heart-covered letters were found in the dumpster by local resident Kylee Francescan. "I was like, 'That's weird,'" Kaylee told the TV station. "I didn't know if they were stolen [or] discarded, so I threw them in a box. And I'm like, 'Somebody needs to let Taylor know!'" TSwift spokesperson Paula Erickson was simply horrified to hear the news, blamed it on a random office snafu, and promised to immediately pick up the letters and deliver them to Taylor—who will then use them along with gasoline to ignite the bonfire of puppies and kittens she'll be sacrificing to Satan later this week. (In Taylor's defense, Satan expects a lot out of her.)
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 13
White smoke billowed out of the Vatican today, signifying two things: (1) someone left a Hot Pocket in the toaster oven for too long, and (2) we have a new pope! He is Argentina's Jorge Mario Bergoglio (who immediately changed his name to the far more sassy Pope Francis), and trust us when we say he's going to fit right in! He's against abortion (and believes anyone who gets one "cannot receive holy communion"), women being ordained into the priesthood (saying at one time, "Women are naturally helpless to exercise political positions"), and called same-sex marriage and adoption a "war against God" and "a maneuver by the devil." Soooo... yeah! He'll fit right in. MEANWHILE... Hold on... that white smoke billowing out of Miley Cyrus' head can mean only one thing: She and fiancé/hunk Liam Hemsworth are SPLITZO. As you recall from last week's One Day, the dentally challenged Miley—who probably did not have fluoride in her water as a child—used her Twatter machine to violently deny the two were breaking up. And yet? "Miley and Liam are done; it's over," said a source to the New York Post, who blamed the split on Miley's hard partying. Meanwhile, another source pointed the blame finger at Liam's suspected cheating incident with Mad Men's January Jones. Regardless, now that the marriage is off, Miley is now free to return to her original plan—which was return to Tennessee and marry one of her cousins... or failing that, a pig.
THURSDAY, MARCH 14
Flailing pop star Justin Bieber penned a tirade on Instagram today in which he severely dissed Lindsay Lohan, writing, "to those comparing me to Lindsay Lohan... look at her 2012 tax statements ;)" It's true, Lindsay does not have as much money as Justin Bieber. It's also true that she doesn't walk around wearing droopy purple MC Hammer pants and idiotic hipster glasses, while making fun of people less fortunate than herself. In other words, Lindsay Lohan belongs to US, which means WE get to make fun of her, and YOU don't. So shut your face, and use some of that money to buy yourself a belt. We can see your diaper, you douchey little twerp.
FRIDAY, MARCH 15
Hey, remember Ashton Kutcher's terribly/hilariously named Steve Jobs biopic, jOBS? The one that made Kutcher sick when he dimly decided to replicate Jobs' purported "fruitarian" diet? ("I went to the hospital, like, two days before we started shooting the movie. I was, like, doubled over in pain," the heroic Kutcher remembered at Sundance, as we reported back in January.) Well, once slated for an April 19 release, Variety now reports jOBS (god that title is stupid) has been delayed indefinitely. Excellent. Time to send Kutcher another celebratory fruit basket! We've sent him nine so far. IN OTHER SCHADENFREUDE NEWS... "The GOP today is a tale of two parties," a recent report commissioned by Republican leaders notes. "One of them, the gubernatorial wing, is growing and successful. The other, the federal wing, is increasingly marginalizing itself, and unless changes are made, it will be increasingly difficult for Republicans to win another presidential election in the near future." (Hold on one sec—we need to put on some sad violin music.) As a result, the New York Times points out that the party "plans to invest $10 million to bring on new staff members to help appeal to young, female, and minority voters." "The report minces no words in telling us that we have to be more inclusive," pointed out Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus. No shit, Sherlock. But until Republicans, you know, actually stop being a party full of entitled racist misogynists? Good luck, boys. Good luck. IN EVEN MORE SCHADENFREUDE NEWS... Sources tell the New York Post that The View's resident right-wing harpy, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, "is toast." "Ratings are going soft," the source says, "and research numbers on the stars' likeability are scaring network execs." Wait. People are finally starting to realize Hasselbeck—a beaming, dead-eyed symbol of all that's wrong with America—is unlikeable? Why, now we've seen everything.
SATURDAY, MARCH 16
Last night, Portland resident (and lead singer for the Gossip) Beth Ditto was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct outside the Bungalo Bar! According to an entirely reputable source who was certainly at the scene (okay, fine, it's "JizzPoweredSteamboat" on Reddit Portland... so definitely take this with a grain of salt, or something even smaller), Ditto and her "belligerent asshole posse" were causing trouble at the Bungalo, which consisted of "breaking shit" and Ditto screeching, "Do you know who you're talkin' to? Google me!" in a fake British accent... at which point she reportedly kicked the bartender in the balls. Adorable nursing home newsletter Willamette Week dug deep on the story, somehow finding a source who told them that after Ditto was cut off, she "walked out in the middle of the street, threw off her shoes and purse, and screamed 'OBAMA! OBAMA!'" We've said it before, and we'll say it again: Portland, you have a long way to go before being interesting enough to make the gossip pages every week. So pick up the pace, huh? (Preferably by giving Beth Ditto more drinks.)
SUNDAY, MARCH 17
Remember last week, dears, when we gleefully reported that George Clooney was gearing up to give his terrible, no good, very bad girlfriend Stacy Keibler a one-way, first-class ticket to Dumpsville? Well... we regret to inform you (and regret to admit to ourselves) that the Us report we cited might have been inaccurate, as on Friday night in Berlin, George and Stacy—hand in hand—joined Matt Damon for dinner. Ugh. It appears that after several days of so much joy from so much schadenfreude... now the schadenfreude is on us. (George, you still have our number.) MEANWHILE... Let's end this fairly depressing week on an up note, shall we? "Cheers! Once again, it's sunny in Los Angeles," reports the ever-obnoxious People, noting that after being separated for six months, adorable tiny people Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are back together, having brought an end to their separation! "They love each other," a source tells People. "Always have and always will." Aww. Just like us and George. Yes indeed, just like us and George... once Stacy's ticket to Dumpsville finally comes through.