MONDAY, APRIL 1
Teen wet dream Justin Bieber is in the soup with the LA County Sheriff's Department over his alleged inability to keep saliva in his mouth. As you must remember from last week, the cops were called to Das Bieb's residence after he reportedly raced his Ferrari at speeds of up to 100 mph through his residential neighborhood(!), and then got into a screaming match with an alarmed neighbor who claims Justin spit in his face. AHH, YOUTH. Today the Sheriff's department tells TMZ they will recommend criminal battery charges for the pop star—for the spitting incident and a "pattern of disregard for the law" which includes, but is not limited to, "speeding tickets, fights, threats, reckless driving, drugs and more." They also suggested Biebs should seek professional help for behavior that's leading him down a "dangerous path." A dangerous path of... SALIVA! IN OTHER BIEBER NEWS... In apparent retaliation for obsessing about him every single day on their website, Justin Bieber pulled an April Fool's joke on TMZ today by issuing the following twatter to his 36.9 million followers: "as promised taking all fan phone calls TODAY at (888) 847 9869. Talk to u soon!" However, instead of reaching their swoopy-haired pop god, thousands of Bieber fans found themselves talking to the TMZ tip line—which, since it is toll free, could wind up being very expensive for the gossip site indeed. Score one for the Bieb, and we're giving him an extra point for not using saliva to solve this problem.
TUESDAY, APRIL 2
The Chris Brown "I Was an Abusive Dickhole, But Now I'm an Upbeat Positive Person that No Longer Beats Women" promotional tour continues! Chris appeared on the Today show, telling host Matt Lauer he's been "humbled" by his experience and that he's forgiven himself. Even after Lauer reminded Brown of his recent terrible behavior (for details, see One Day at a Time's "Monster of the Year" column, Jan 2, 2013), Brown remained in denial. "I think everybody is entitled to their opinion," he replied. "I can't make everybody like me." You know... that's probably true. So maybe you should work on making a single person like you? MEANWHILE... So it's come to this: Chris Brown is offering psychological opinions on troubled pop stars other than himself? Has the world gone mad?? During an interview with a radio show, Breezy (Ugh! We hate that nickname!) offered his take on the Justin Bieber drama. "[He's] being young [and] having a limitless amount of income to do whatever you want to do as a young guy. You don't have nobody that's going to say, 'Hey bruh, you look whack right now.' For me, I had the people that said it... it got through eventually." OH, REALLY? Then apparently it bears repeating: "Hey Chris bruh! You look totally whack right now—and probably forever."
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 3
It was announced today that NBC is replacing large-chinned unfunny person Jay Leno as host of The Tonight Show with the somewhat more funny—but still very white and very male—Jimmy Fallon. In response, the internet said, "Whatever, dinosaurs." MEANWHILE... According to Us weekly, the perpetually confused Amanda Bynes denied today that she was photographed walking around Manhattan with dyed red hair—even though it was totally her. "My hair is blonde, I've never been a redhead!" she twattered. "Somebody keeps posing as me!" Fact one: This redhead Amanda Bynes had the exact same facial piercings, sunglasses, and jewelry as the "real Amanda Bynes." Fact two: Someone pretending to be Amanda Bynes wouldn't dye their hair red. Fact three: Why would anyone in the world pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
THURSDAY, APRIL 4
Rest in peace, Roger Ebert. The much-beloved, Pulitzer-winning film critic for the Chicago Sun-Times who helped popularize the phrase "two thumbs up," died today at the age of 70 after a continuing battle with cancer. The New York Times paid tribute to Ebert's work and humanity, saying, "after savaging Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, [Ebert] was pleased to tell the world that the movie's star, Rob Schneider, had sent him flowers and a get-well card. The bouquet was a reminder, Roger wrote, 'that although Rob Schneider might (in my opinion) have made a bad movie, he is not a bad man, and no doubt tried to make a wonderful movie, and hopes to again.'" The next day the NYT added the following correction to the story: "An earlier version of this article misstated the title of a film that Roger Ebert reviewed savagely. It was Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, not Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo." Bon voyage, Roger Ebert: At least you'll be better remembered than Rob Schneider's movies.
FRIDAY, APRIL 5
"I'm suing @usweekly & @perezhilton for continuing to act like I'm doing something wrong by tweeting and walking to photoshoots. Fuck you!!!!" tweeted Amanda Bynes this week. We can only assume Amanda meant to mention us as well—and while she likely has the legal expertise of one of Lindsay Lohan's lawyers, we really can't afford to be sued at the moment. So. We are sad to announce that this will be the last thing we ever write about Amanda Bynes. Farewell, Mandy: We were pretty sure you were heading toward a meltdown that would have made Britney's look like amateur hour. We hardly knew ye. MEANWHILE... "Amanda Bynes was asked to leave a gymnastics class after further episodes of bizarre behavior," the New York Post reports! (Whoops! Sorry, Mandy! We're gonna risk it!) "The former Nickelodeon child star stunned fellow athletes at the Adult Gymnastics class at Chelsea Piers when she showed up 'dressed in fishnets and a leotard that looked like lingerie,'" the Post gabs. "Onlookers said the staff became concerned about Bynes, who was 'muttering to herself' and then 'burst into tears when she attempted a cartwheel and her dark-colored wig fell off.'" (In related news, we just cancelled our Pilates class, and will now be joining whatever fitness class Amanda Bynes signs up for next. Expect regular updates.)
SATURDAY, APRIL 6
"Lindsay is in a very dark place right now, and I'm absolutely scared for her life," says attention-starved Danish promoter Claus Hjelmbak, who, according to Radar, is one of Lindsay Lohan's "best friends"—and is not a fan of Lohan's plans to hit Coachella this year. "Coachella is the last place she needs to be," Hjelmbak frets. "For someone struggling with addiction, like Lindsay, the amount of drugs and alcohol at Coachella is just a recipe for disaster waiting to happen. I know because I have been to the VIP tent at Coachella in the past." (In related news, we just bought tickets to Coachella. Expect regular updates.)
SUNDAY, APRIL 7
Important reminder, dears: Before we all realized that Anne Hathaway was the Worst Person on the Planet, that title belonged to the insufferably self-congratulatory Gwyneth Paltrow, who—when she isn't ruining Iron Man movies and naming her children "Apple"—loves to brag about how great of a cook she is, what an amazing mother she is, how expensive her wallpaper was ($650 per panel, $12,000 per room), and, this week, how she has the ass of a "22-year-old stripper." Telling a slew of bored reporters about that one time she and a "friend"—who she very likely has to pay to hang out with her—were swimsuit shopping, Gwynnie giggled, "I said, 'You know, this isn't so bad for 40, right?’ And [my "friend"] goes, 'It's not so bad for a 22-year-old stripper!" So that's a story Gwyneth decided you needed to hear. UGH.... And that's not all! While Gwynnie was out shilling for her latest ghost-written book—It's All Good: Delicious, Easy Recipes That Will Make You Look Good and Feel Great, which sounds about as fun as Sophie's Choice—she rambled on about her cooking secrets! "I turn on the hiphop," she cluelessly told ES Magazine, sounding approximately 4,000 years old. "I'm like a bad mutha rapping along to every word as I cook." Wow. Yep. She's terrible, alright. Almost as terrible as Anne Hathaway.