MONDAY, APRIL 8
To the surprise of no one, and to the relief of many, angry human douchebag Chris Brown and his abusee Rihanna are SPLITSVILLE. According to various sources, the split came about after RiRi grew tired of Breezy's tail-chasing ways—which culminated in a tail-chasing event at a NYC club on Saturday. Chris was photographed holding the hand of a 22-year-year old blonde waitress Keisha Kimball, who strongly denies any sexual shenanigans. "I am always Chris' waitress. Nothing has ever happened. I just work there. In the photos, he was handing me a bottle to drink out of. Of course people are going to twist it another way. I don't go for black guys." Wait... what? Are you sure about that, Keisha? Because it sounds like to us that you two are perfect for each other. MEANWHILE... Also to the surprise of no one, someone in the Vatican is downloading porn. According to an analysis compiled by ScanEye and TorrentFreak, at least one person in the Vatican (most likely the pope?) has been downloading BitTorrent files such as boring TV shows and movies like Chicago Fire and Love, Actually, as well as absolutely filthy flicks such as Whipped Ass (starring X-rated stars Lea Lexis and Krissy Lynn), Russian Slaves, and a transgender porn movie about amnesia described thusly: "Sheena wakes up and doesn't remember why Tiffany is in her bed, but a firm pounding from Tiffany's cock helps jog her memory." As stated earlier, "a surprise to no one."
TUESDAY, APRIL 9
In today's news, country music hillbilly Brad Paisley (with a little help from LL Cool J) has solved racism! Or at least made a very, very poor attempt to do so with his new song called "Accidental Racist." The video—which was quickly yanked off the internet after driving everyone INSANE—featured Paisley singing about wearing a Confederate flag in public, and how that's not racist because... that's not how he intended it! "To the man that waited on me at the Starbucks down on Main," Paisley warbled, "I hope you understand when I put on that T-shirt, the only thing I meant to say is I'm a Skynyrd fan." Poor, poor misunderstood hillbilly! See, that's the problem with modern-day racism—no one stops to consider how it affects white people! MEANWHILE... Will boyfriend breaker Taylor Swift die alone? She considers the possibility in her new interview with Wonderland magazine, before going on to extemporize on how breaking up with a near-endless string of boyfriends feels. "You're never feeling just sad. Maybe you wake up and you feel sad, and then you get angry, and then you feel like, 'I'm fine,' and then you feel confident, and then you feel a sense of doubt, and then you're insecure, and then there's jealousy, and then you're back to sad—and then you feel fine again." Okay. We're starting to understand why she might die alone.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 10
Speaking of dying alone, Scientologist super Thetan Tom Cruise gave an interview to the German TV network ProSieben, in which he was asked if he knew that runaway slave/former wife Katie Holmes was thinking about slipping away into the night. "I did not expect that," the befuddled Cruise stated. "[I've had] an incredible amount of time to reflect. Life is a challenge. To be 50 and have experiences and think you have everything under control, and then it hits you—that's what life is... life is tragicomic." Naturally we contacted Scientology spokesalien Emperor Klaktu (who also reigns as the exalted emperor of Rigel VII) via intergalactic holotube for his response. "What??" the furious, tentacle-thrashing Emperor Klaktu screeched. He said 'Life is tragicomic'?? OH, FOR THE LOVE OF YOUR PUNY HUMAN LORD CHRIST! How are we supposed to find Tom another female humanoid birthing vessel when he keeps saying idiotic things like... wait. Get me Taylor Swift on the holotube!"
THURSDAY, APRIL 11
Sure, being a celebrity might seem like it's all perks! After all, celebs get to hobnob with intergalactic emperors and enthrall fans with mood journals! But never forget: celebs get swatted! "What was once merely a police annoyance in Southern California—thrill-seeking pranksters filing a false report of a breaking horrific crime at a celebrity's home, designed to provoke the dispatch of SWAT teams—has turned in recent weeks into a full blown 'swatting' epidemic," the New York Times gravely reports, observing that Ryan Seacrest is the latest victim! "The Seacrest call marked the sixth time in a week that the police had scrambled to respond to a report of violence at the home of a Page Six-worthy parade of celebrities: Sean Combs last Wednesday, Rihanna on Thursday, Justin Timberlake and Selena Gomez on Friday, and [Russell] Brand on Monday. Previous victims have included Justin Bieber, Tom Cruise, and Miley Cyrus." Noting that the culprit responsible for swatting Bieber and Ashton Kutcher was a (wait for it...) 12-year-old boy, the Times added, "the rash of hoaxes has put a strain on police departments already struggling with budget cuts." Look. We know we probably shouldn't find this as funny as we do, but... ha! This is the best! Moving on!
FRIDAY, APRIL 12
When he isn't pondering life—it can be so tragicomic!—Tom Cruise is reportedly banning press from the premiere of his new movie! TMZ reports that Us, Life & Style, In Touch, and the Hollywood Reporter are all "persona non grata" at Cruise's Oblivion premiere—and the actor/philosopher, it seems, is "particularly pissed at the Hollywood Reporter, which has written more than 20 unflattering Scientology stories in less than a year." "Yes, yes, Tom! This shall teach the infidels!" Emperor Klaktu squealed while giddily rubbing together two of his wettest, fleshiest tentacles. "Continue to spread 'gossip' about Tom, Life & Style and In Touch! Continue to doubt the universe-shattering power of Scientology, Hollywood Reporter! And then weep your sweet, sweet tears when you cannot experience the latest thrilling science-fiction spectacle from the greatest actor of this or any generation! Feel the wrath of Cruise! Tremble in the shadow OF Scientology!" Emperor Klaktu then politely added, "Oh, and if you aren't a writer for Us, Life & Style, In Touch, or the Hollywood Reporter, and you want to go see Oblivion when it opens, text me! I don't want to go alone. Popcorn's on me!"
SATURDAY, APRIL 13
This weekend's gossip rags were an embarrassment of riches, crammed with so many amazing stories! Since we don't have room for all of them, let's peruse some headlines, shall we? "Fergie Pretends to Breastfeed Joan Rivers" (ewwwww, Us!), "Madonna Sends Malawi President an Error-Filled Handwritten Letter" (New York Daily News), "Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen Walk Red Carpet Together at Scary Movie 5 Premiere" (Us), and, perhaps most importantly, "Hugh Jackman—Deranged Fan Arrested After Throwing Pubic Hair at Him" (ewwwww, TMZ!). But all of those stories—yes, yes, even the one about pubes—pale in comparison to....
SUNDAY, APRIL 14
Since he's currently touring Europe, Justin Bieber decided to visit the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam. He decided to bring along his entourage, and he decided to spend about an hour touring the museum—no doubt learning deep, life-changing lessons about Anne Frank, her years spent in hiding, and how one young girl's experiences can drastically affect our perceptions of one of humanity's darkest periods. And then, when he was finished, Bieber decided he should sign the museum's guestbook—at which point he wrote three sentences that shall echo throughout history. "Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl," Bieber wrote. "Hopefully she would have been a belieber." THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Since it's impossible to respond in any way whatsoever to this, we shall simply turn to the Telegraph, which did its valiant best to put Bieber's remarks in context. "Bieber has been hit by a string of bad publicity during his European tour," the Telegraph reports. "Last month he was booed by his audience after turning up to perform at the London O2 Arena nearly two hours late. He has also seen his pet monkey stuck in quarantine in Germany."