MONDAY, APRIL 22
Here's an update on the arrest of actress Reese Witherspoon, hubby Jim Toth, and her butcher-knife chin that has been classified by law enforcement agencies as a "deadly weapon." As reported last week, Jim was arrested in Atlanta for driving under the influence, while Reese was booked for being a complete drunken ass to the cop, demanding, "Do you know my name? You're about to find out who I am!" (Obviously there was no need for this outburst, as anyone with eyes could recognize Reese by the chin that extends three feet from her face.) This weekend Reese sent out a groveling apology: "I clearly had one drink too many, and I am deeply embarrassed. The words I used definitely do not reflect who I am." Reese's chin also sent out a statement, saying, "Look, don't blame me... I wasn't even inside the car! (Because, like, I'm so long. Get it?)" MEANWHILE... In the greatest national scam since President George W. Bush stole the election in 2000, the second most despised person in the universe (Gwyneth Paltrow) has received People magazine's greatest honor: "2013's Most Beautiful Woman." Whaaaaaaaaaa???? In response, Gwyneth told E! News, "It's very sweet and I'm so embarrassed, but I'm so happy. It's so weird. It's crazy. It's very sweet. I'm so flattered. I'm thrilled." After last week's bombing in Boston, the ricin letter attacks, the botched gun control vote, and the Texas fertilizer plant explosion, we have two words for you, People magazine: "FUCK" and "YOU."
TUESDAY, APRIL 23
Following the success of the worthy Veronica Mars Kickstarter, it was only a matter of time before a rich douchebag tried to kickstart an unworthy movie idea—and that rich douchebag is... Zach Braff. The former Scrubs star is under the mistaken impression the world needs a sequel to the film that made him famous (Garden State), and is panhandling asking the Kickstarter crowd to help foot the bill. Donors can expect a "video memo" from Braff, exclusive casting and production news, a copy of the script, and a walk-on role (if you pony up $10 grand and "provide your own travel and accommodation"). Or you know, you could just give all that money to breast cancer research. Six of one, half dozen of the other. MEANWHILE... Speaking of hilarious, ineffectual narcissists, Beyoncé is continuing her quest to erase every single ugly picture of herself from the internet. As you may have heard, Queen B is not happy with the plethora of images on the web in which she looks—well, okay... kind of grotesque. So now she's officially banned all professional photogs from her concerts—except for the one she's personally hired, of course. Now she can choose (and release!) the most goddess-like photos imaginable, making the world a far, far better place for you and your children. (Wait... what's that? People own and use "camera phones"? New edict from Beyoncé! BAN ALL SPECTATORS FROM HER AUDIENCE! There. That'll fix it.)
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 24
Updating last week's story about the Elvis impersonator who was suspected of sending deadly ricin-laced letters to President Obama and a US senator: Paul Kevin Curtis has been cleared of the charge, and now the FBI has taken Curtis' mortal enemy, martial arts enthusiast and accused child molester J. Everett Dutschke, into custody. (Phew! For a second we thought it'd be someone less interesting than an Elvis impersonator.) During interviews, Curtis told the FBI that Dutschke had framed him because, according to the New York Times, the pair had been feuding online about various topics including their music careers, Curtis' false claim he was a member of Mensa, and Dutschke's refusal to publish Curtis' theories about an illegal organ-harvesting scheme at a Tupelo, Mississippi hospital. (!!!) That's all we have to say about that. (!!!)
THURSDAY, APRIL 25
Speaking of mistaken identities, here are two examples tied to last week's Boston Marathon bombing: (1) Brown University student Sunil Tripathi was found dead in a Providence, Rhode Island, pond after amateur internet sleuths from Reddit and Twitter accused him of being one of the Boston bombers. Users had mistaken Tripathi for actual bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, and Reddit later apologized for fueling "online witch hunts." Tripathi's grieving parents responded by issuing the following, incredibly gracious plea to everyone online: "Take care of one another. Be gentle, be compassionate... we need it. The world needs it." MEANWHILE... (2) In a far less devastatingly sad example, New Girl actress Zooey Deschanel was also misidentified as one of the "Marathon Bombers" during a version of the story that was closed captioned on a Texas newscast. She's still alive.
FRIDAY, APRIL 26
Wow! Gwyneth Paltrow just won another award! "She's made a career for herself away from acting with her health-conscious books and website," the Daily Mail reports. "But it seems many people find Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle more than a little irritating, with the actress topping a new poll of the most hated celebrities in Hollywood." HA! WHERE'S YOUR STUPID QUOTE ABOUT THAT AWARD, GWYNNIE? Other celebs on Star's "Most Hated" list included Kristen Stewart, John Mayer, Katherine Heigl, Matt Lauer, Kim Kardashian, Jay Leno, and Chris Brown—and let's not forget obnoxious theater kid Anne Hathaway, who finished in ninth place, just behind Justin Bieber! That said, Hathaway seems intent on stealing Gwyneth's crown.... CASE IN POINT... Star also revealed that Anne Hathaway is looking to get rid of her sweet, faithful, long-suffering Labrador, Esmeralda! Why, you ask? "Annie really wants a stylish young puppy," a disgusted insider gabs. "She says she just can't bond with a dog that's half dead—it's not quite the glamorous look she's going for now that she's won an Oscar." (Confidential to "Esmeralda in Los Angeles": Come live with us! Unlike someone else we could mention, we aren't horrible—and we'll never, ever make you listen to us sing horrible songs from horrible Les Misérables.)
SATURDAY, APRIL 27
Justin Bieber's European tour—which the AP reminds us has already included "a monkey detention, a Holocaust museum furor, and a health scare"—took another turn this week when Swedish police found "a small amount of drugs and a stun gun" on his tour bus! Alas, Bieber was not arrested, as no one was onboard the Biebermobile. Maybe next time? Fingers crossed! MEANWHILE... Oh, god. Justin Bieber—possibly while high and brandishing a stun gun?!?—got a truly terrible tattoo of Selena Gomez, his on-again, off-again girlfriend! X17 notes that the amateurish wrist tattoo "shows a woman in a low-cut dress with angel wings, and it appears the Biebs brought the artist his lady love's 2012 Elle magazine photoshoot to replicate on his skin." Oh, well. At least it isn't a tattoo of Anne Frank. MEANWHILE... Portland's pro-fluoride camp gained their biggest (unintentional) ally yet when professional dimwit Jenny McCarthy decided to hop onto Twitter, begging her fans to "Help keep Portland's water fluoride-free!" Conspiracy theorist McCarthy, as you might remember, insists vaccines cause autism (despite mountains of objective scientific evidence to the contrary), in addition to believing that she is both talented and intelligent (despite mountains of objective scientific evidence to the contrary). So... we'll all vote for fluoride, then? Good! Moving on!
SUNDAY, APRIL 28
"Some people insist they've never met a gay person," NBA center Jason Collins writes in Sports Illustrated. "No NBA player can claim that anymore. Pro basketball is a family. And pretty much every family I know has a brother, sister, or cousin who's gay. In the brotherhood of the NBA, I just happen to be the one who's out." That's right—Collins is the first NBA player to come out as gay, and his smart, moving piece in Sports Illustrated—which begins, "I didn't set out to be the first openly gay athlete playing in a major American team sport. But since I am, I'm happy to start the conversation"—is a must read. That said, Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace also broke new ground—he was the first homophobic NFL player to tweet about Collins, writing, "All these beautiful women in the world and guys wanna mess with other guys SMH (shakin' my head)..." Oh, shut up. INSTEAD... Let us turn to professional wrestler/movie star/charmer Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, who took to Twitter with a very different message. "Being real & authentic is very powerful," he wrote. "Well done Jason Collins for having the courage to take a monumental step forward." Yeah. What the Rock said.