MONDAY, DECEMBER 4 Welcome once again to One Day at a Time—where we always tell you why who's doing what, how, and with whom. Except when it will get us sued. You see, "litigation" is a gossip whore's kryptonite, which is why veteran tabloids use things called "blind items" where they drop hints about a celeb's super juicy behavior, but leave out the name to avoid a visit from Slandery McLibelson, attorney-at-law. Here's a good example from today's New York Post—see if you can guess who's involved! "WHICH recently separated celeb has a new habit to go along with her new friends? The cutie is spending way too much time in the bathroom of the many clubs she visits, hoovering down cocaine that her pals supply her with.... WHICH new pair of best friends are actually more? When they get back to their hotels or homes, the clothes come off.... WHICH hard-partying Hollywood starlet has club cocktail waitresses fueling rumors of rehab by whispering that the actress cuts her coke with Strawberry Quik?" Okay, did you guess? No? Well, let's break it down then: Obviously, the "recently separated celeb" who is "hoovering down cocaine" and taking off her clothes with her new friend would have to be Britney Spears, right? WRONG. The New York Post would never drop clues so obvious. That's why we think it's actually female Hungarian water polo champion, Aniko Pelle—she's really slipped since the 2005 world championship. And since we've never seen her with a man, we'll assume she's lesbian. Lose the coke and get it together, girl! The Hungarian National Team needs you! Next, as to which "hard-partying Hollywood starlet" cuts her coke with "Strawberry Quik"? Sure, smart money might say Lindsay Lohan... but again, we doubt NYP would make it so easy. That's why we're going with Dakota Fanning. Lord knows those kids love their Quik!
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 5 And since we obviously weren't speaking of Britney Spears in that last item, let's talk about her now! Remember how last week Britney flashed her va-heena at least three times to the paparazzi (and subsequently every nerd on the internet)? Well, after grossing out practically every person in the world with her plucked turkey, she may have finally come around to an important discovery: Flashing your va-heena in public... is... is... WRONG! On her website, britneyspears.com, the Britta posted one of her famous notes to her fan(s)—which we assume is supposed to explain her recent behavior? You be the judge: "It's been so long since I've been out on the town with friends. [Right. Blame your lack of fun on your babies. Nice.—Ann] Every move I make at this point has been magnified more than I expected [WE'LL SAY!—Ann], and I probably took my newfound freedom a little too far. Anyway, thank God for Victoria's Secret's new underwear line." [This is her attempt at a joke. Gee, it's been so long since she's tried to be funny. Damn you, babies!—Ann]
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 6 Well, apparently it's a good week for celebrities to publicly publish their manifestos— and as usual, Lindsay Lohan never disappoints! Today LiLo must have gotten something extra crazy stuck up her butt, because she sent out the following confusing and lengthy screed (which we've edited due to space and interest constraints): "Because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see. People are just mean. Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point. I am not fully aware of what these accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them. Al Gore will help me he came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. Its enough already. So let's start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I'm doing it either way. The way of the future. Thank you for your time. Your Entertainer, Lindsay Lohan." Well! We don't know about you people, but just like Al Gore, we support our entertainer Lindsay Lohan. (However, after reading that letter, we're thinking maybe she needs to lay off the Strawberry Quik!)
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 7 Bad news for Lindsay Lohan's LiLofesto (see Wednesday's One Day). As we read earlier, much of Lindsay's call to arms to defeat the evil and mean tabloids depends on help from Al Gore. Unbelievably, however, it appears that the former veep is distancing himself from Lohan. TMZ.com called Gore's press agent who had this to say: "I can confirm for you that Mr. Gore has only met Ms. Lohan once, very briefly, at the GQ Men of the Year dinner last week. There were hundreds of other guests." Not exactly a ringing endorsement. But did those "hundreds of other guests" have a LiLofesto? HELL, NO! Screw Al Gore anyway! We'll do this ourselves! Get us Barack Obama on the phone! And the Strawberry Quik Bunny!
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 8 Oh, cruel Fate, why must thou taunt and tease? Okay, so this morning? It was going to be the Best Day Ever, because finally, finally, FINALLY, it looked like Brangelina was going to get married! We know! Finally! "Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are planning a fairy tale Christmas wedding in South Africa," the Daily Mail gleefully reported. "Sources claim they were persuaded to pick the venue after talking to chat show queen Oprah Winfrey." How perfect is that? Brangelina: finally getting married! And Oprah: finally recovering from the humiliation of not being invited to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' Scientologist Soul-Binding Ceremony on Rigel VII! BUT THEN... today became the Worst Day Ever, since, according to Us Magazine, "Brad Pitt's rep denied... that the actor is planning to wed Angelina Jolie in Johannesburg." "It's all made up," says Brad's representative, who will hereby be known as Dick McRuinseverythingforeveryone. But there's still some silver lining, right? The ever-beleaguered Oprah still got to hang out with Brangelina, right? And when they do get married, she'll be there, right? Uh... no, says Us. "'Oprah would not be invited to their wedding. They are not that close,' a source close to the couple says." Oooh, snap! We're guessing the only person who feels as sad as we do right now is Oprah. Actually, Oprah's probably sadder. Poor Oprah.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 9 President George W. Bush's approval numbers continue to plummet. This weekend, the pollsters at Zogby International reported that the "approval rating of President Bush has plummeted to 30 percent, an all-time low. The poll showed that Bush's troubles clearly stem from trouble with the war in Iraq," the Zogby report continued. "Just 24 percent give him positive marks for his handling of the war.... [When] asked whether the Iraq war has been worth the loss of American lives, just 34 percent responded positively.... The poll comes on the heels of the announcement that more than 2,900 Americans had been killed in the war." Thanks, pollsters! Zogby: Your Source for Statistics That Everyone Knows, and Ones That Should Make Us Feel Better, But Actually Just Make Us Feel Worse—Not as Bad as Oprah Must Feel Right Now, But Still Pretty Bad.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 10 Tonight proved to be a big night for everyone's favorite emaciated semi-celebrity, Nicole Richie. TMZ.com reports "two motorists spotted [Richie's] SUV going the wrong way" on a Burbank freeway, at which point they called 911, summoning the California Highway Patrol. (Yes! The CHiPs! Sadly, there's no evidence Erik Estrada was anywhere nearby.) When the Estrada-less CHiPs pulled her over, "Richie admitted she had taken Vicodin and smoked pot." But let's get to the real meat of the story, shall we? According to Richie's booking sheet, she's 5'1", and now weighs a whopping 85 pounds. Congrats, Nicole! No, not on the whole DUI thing—anyone can do that. Congrats on gaining some weight! Keep up that pot smoking, and you'll be pushing 90 pounds in no time.