MONDAY, MAY 13
We start this week with a subtle message from Lindsay Lohan, currently serving a court-ordered sentence in the Betty Ford Center: "LET MEEEE OUTTA HEEERE!!" As reported last week, Lindsay was desperately avoiding rehabs who might take away her beloved Adderall prescription (which she claims soothes her attention deficit disorder), and sure enough, the minute Linds stepped through the Betty Ford gates? They yoinked her script. Now, according to TMZ, she's begging to get out of that hellhole—though Betty's not about to budge. An inside source says the clinic almost never allows the drug, since non-addictive substitutes are readily available... aaaaaand that a lot of Hollyweird celebs use the drug primarily for weight control. This means this will be Lindsay's first rehab stint with exactly ZERO drugs in her system, and if she's anything like the newly sober Charlie Sheen? The results will be unbelievably BORING. Set our Lindsay free! MEANWHILE... We rarely, if ever, report on celebrity pregnancy rumors because—like a sober Lindsay Lohan—they are BORING. However! The internet gossip pages are in a dither over Beyoncé canceling one of her concerts due to "dehydration and exhaustion"—which in the tabloid world naturally translates to "she's got another ridiculously named bun in the oven." Here's the thing: If she's pregnant again? WE DON'T CARE. If she's actually dehydrated and exhausted? Well, whoopty-doo, so are we. That's why we're spending the rest of the afternoon on the couch with a vodka tonic.
TUESDAY, MAY 14
Now it's time for "lady parts" news. Angelina Jolie did an incredibly brave thing that makes us feel like shits for making fun of her wrecking Jennifer Aniston's marriage to Brad Pitt, and wearing Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck. After watching her mother fight cancer for a decade, and discovering she also carries the same "faulty" gene (BRCA1—which is only present in less than one percent of the population, so don't panic, gals), Jolie elected to have a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery. "My chances of developing breast cancer have dropped from 87 percent to under 5 percent," Jolie wrote in the New York Times. "I can tell my children that they don't need to fear they will lose me to breast cancer." Like we said, an incredibly brave move that is rightly being applauded. But just to be totally honest? We're still having a tough time getting over the "Billy Blood" thing. MEANWHILE... MORE LADY PARTS! A painting of the late Golden Girls actress Bea Arthur sold for almost $2 million at a Christie's auction today—and oh. Did we forget to mention she's topless? As the New York Post reports, the painting from artist John Currin "depicts the elderly star with a blank expression and bare sagging breasts," and has created quite the controversy (primarily due to Arthur's real-life battles against misogyny). But according to a Christie's spokesman, the painting is "historically significant—it's radical to sexualize someone people think of as asexual." Spokesman? You are so full of shit. (Unless you're changing the definition of "radical" to "something that's been around since the dawn of time.")
WEDNESDAY, MAY 15
One Day at a Time's favorite ranter, Kanye West, went on another of his wild rants this evening, telling concertgoers that, quote, "I ain't kissing nobody's motherfucking babies. I'll drop your baby and you'll motherfucking sue me and shit." Good to know! (Confidential to Kim Kardashian: Don't let him hold your baby.) MEANWHILE... Twilight star Kristen Stewart's mom is in the news—because apparently even stars' moms aren't safe? According to TMZ, K.Stew's mom, Jules Stewart, is being annoyed by a neighbor who supposedly thinks she's harboring WOLVES. Like, real wolves. The 61-year-old neighbor reportedly exchanged vulgar words with Mama Stew, proclaiming the wolves (actually, just regular dogs) "belong in the mountains of Montana" and they should be set free. Later the neighbor allegedly "started a campaign of harassment" against the elder Stewart, making "howling sounds, growls, chirps, and other weird noises." Hey, neighbor lady! She already has Kristen Stewart for a daughter... hasn't she suffered enough? Yeah, probably not. Proceed with the howling!
THURSDAY, MAY 16
Speaking of neighborhood harassment, "Monster of the Year 2012" Chris Brown is reportedly being nagged to tears by neighbors who do not like his graffiti-style "monster" art on his driveway wall. "There are lots of babies, lots of children, and they're literally frightened," whined Patti Negri, president of the neighborhood association to the LA Times. "[The art is] like devils on the wall—big scary eyes and big scary teeth...." In Chris Brown's defense (we can't believe we uttered those words), while the art may seem like a self-portrait—it ain't. So mind your own beeswax, lady!
FRIDAY, MAY 17
Today we learned an important lesson: The internet is terrible at picking heroes. You might remember YouTubing a certain fellow known as "Kai the Hatchet-Wielding Hitchhiker," who became internet famous in February, when he used a hatchet to stop a possible murder in Fresno. But now... well, now Kai has been "arrested in the murder of a Clark, New Jersey, man," according to ABC News. Kai was arrested at a Greyhound bus station in Philadelphia following the discovery of the body of Joseph Galfy—who, an autopsy confirmed, died as a result of blunt force trauma. First: :( . Second: Um... so maybe we should pick our YouTube celebs just a little more carefully? And maybe we shouldn't pick anyone else who has the words "hatchet," "wielding," and "hitchhiker" as part of their name?
SATURDAY, MAY 18
Ugh! Nerds! The Daily Mail reports that Facebook cofounder Sean Parker—you might remember him as the nerd played by Justin Timberlake in The Social Network—has had his plans FOILED for a $10 million, Game of Thrones-themed wedding! "He had reportedly hired a landscaping company to build fake ruins, waterfalls, bridges, and a gated cottage in the surrounding woods at Ventana Inn in Big Sur, California," the Mail says. "The wedding was meant to be no-holds-barred, as the price tag for plants and flowers is believed to be $1 million, while a $350,000 dance floor is also being built." Parker—who, at age 33, is worth an estimated $2 billion—hired the costume designer from The Lord of the Rings to make renaissance fair costumes for the guests and sent out save-the-date-cards that were made to look like wizard scrolls. Ugh! Nerds! Thankfully, Parker was so busy trying to find an officiate who was also a dungeon master that he didn't bother getting little things like "permits" for all his dorky castles and crap. "We have opened a code enforcement investigation on Ventana Inn," declared Mike Novo, planning director for Monterey County. Novo neglected to mention if penalties for Parker would involve swirlies, having his lunch money confiscated, and/or being pantsed in front of Mrs. Howe's seventh-grade American history class.
SUNDAY, MAY 19
You heard it here first: Germany owns Justin Bieber's monkey! Not that they want to own Justin Bieber's monkey—it's just that Bieber abandoned it there, showing up without the proper customs paperwork for "Mally," an adorable capuchin monkey, and then just leaving when officials tried to sort out the situation. "The animal was reportedly a 19th-birthday gift to the Biebs from music producer Jamal 'Mally Mall' Rashid, who has his own capuchin, named Bubbz," the LA Times reported. Now Bieber is being billed "several thousand euros for food, care, and vet visits." "You can bet we are going to ask for that money back," said customs spokesman Thomas Meister. "If no further documents arrive, then the seizure order comes into effect and the animal becomes the property of the German state." Meanwhile, emails from Bieber's management team "said that [Bieber] didn't want the monkey anymore and asked that it be placed in a zoo"—despite the fact that Mally, who is only 20 weeks old, should never have been separated from his mother this early, says Karl Heinz Joachim, the manager at the shelter caring for Mally. Not to mention that Mally would first need to be socialized with other capuchins—so far, he's only been socialized with Biebers, and we can all agree that's no way for any creature to live.