MONDAY, MAY 20
As we've begrudgingly reported several times over the past few months, the single worst creature that has ever been birthed into any universe, Kim Kardashian (also known as Cthulhu, who shall bring about Ragnarök, who bleeds acid and feasts on puppies) is having a baby. With Kanye West. And this baby may or may not be named "North West." And, somehow, it keeps getting worse. For proof, we direct you to TMZ, where they've gotten their grimy little hands on one of Kim's baby shower invitations! Question, dears: Are they tacky? Answer: You have no idea. First off, the invite is actually a music box that, when opened, reveals a ballerina figurine—one that spins around to the tune of Kanye West's "Hey Mama." (Which actually isn't a song about Kim, but one about, you know, Kanye's mom. But whatevs.) "Hmm," you say. "Not quite gauche enough." Ooh, just wait! "The ballerina bears a striking resemblance to Kim," TMZ points out, "just in case anyone forgets who this party is REALLY celebrating." Aw, Kimmie. You're going to be a great mom! (And by "great mom," we mean a really great destroyer of worlds, succubus of dreams, and devourer of souls.) Also, our music box must've gotten lost in the mail? If anyone needs a plus one, we promise to be on excellent behavior.
TUESDAY, MAY 21
Okay, let's get this week's Justin Bieber news out of the way as quick as possible. FIRST! While accepting an award at the Billboard Music Awards, Bieber showed up wearing leather pants, sunglasses, and a massive chip on his shoulder. "I'm 19 years old," he said in his acceptance speech. "I think I'm doing a pretty good job. And basically, from my heart, I really just want to say, it should really be about the music, it should be about the craft that I'm making.... I'm an artist, and I should be taken seriously." The audience reacted by booing. Well said, audience! SECOND! The Biebs recently instituted a new rule for those attending his house parties—they have to sign a liability waiver that dictates if they talk, blog, or tweet at all about the party—including the "physical health, or the philosophical, spiritual, or other views or characteristics" of anyone there—Bieber will sue them for $5 million. Geez, Justin. If you're that nervous about people finding out your "parties" are actually your mom making Hot Pockets while you play Dungeons & Dragons, maybe don't invite people over in the first place? THIRD, FINALLY! "Do it once, you can be forgiven," Jon Bon Jovi told London's Standard after he was asked about how Bieber made audiences wait two hours before he took the stage in London. "Do it enough times, and shame on you. They won't have you back. Then it just becomes a cliché. It's really not cool—you're an asshole. Go to fuckin' work!" [Confidential to "Jon in New Jersey": We haven't loved you this much since we had that picture of you and Richie Sambora taped up in our junior high locker. XOXO, Ann]
WEDNESDAY, MAY 22
Well, here's a magical story. Seems back in the mid-'90s—before anyone gave two poops who he was or how you spelled his name—Zach Galifianakis got to know an elderly homeless woman in Santa Monica, Elizabeth "Mimi" Haist, who would hang out at Fox Laundry, offering to help people fold their laundry for spare change. As Dlisted notes, Galifianakis and Mimi stayed in touch—and when he became everybody's favorite weirdo comedian, he got her a one-bedroom apartment, which he pays the rent on. (Dlisted also notes that Renée Zellweger paid to decorate the apartment and buys Mimi's groceries—which makes us like Zellweger a tiny bit more than we did before, which was not at all.) Anyway, Galifianakis has now gotten in the habit of taking Mimi—who's now 87 years old—as his date to his movie premieres. "I'm looking forward to it," Mimi said before the recent premiere of The Hangover Part III. "I like the excitement of it. If he's in town, he takes me. Otherwise he lets me take a friend. I dress up nice and a friend helps me with my makeup. It's fun, not something I've ever dreamed I'd experience. Afterward, they have a party at somewhere close by and you meet the stars. I drink lemon drop martinis with Grey Goose vodka." Well... well... that's—that's just wonderful, and very nearly makes up for the existence of Kim Kardashian's stupid baby shower invitations.
THURSDAY, MAY 23
You know the old saying... when Lindsay Lohan's away (in rehab) the Amanda Bynes will play! The former child star has been pulling a number of Lohanesque stunts in recent years, asking President Obama to fire the cop who gave her a DUI and asking rapper Drake on Twatter to "murder her vagina." But she also throws pretty fun parties, according to In Touch magazine, who's on-site photog took pictures of her at a home shindig lying on a bare mattress, smoking a joint, and "obsessively refreshing her Twitter feed." Another witness claims some of her windows are spray-painted black and "weed was everywhere"—even on her bed. "That's not my bed!" screeched an incensed Bynes, claiming In Touch had doctored the photos. "Those aren't my toes! My toes are pedicured!" No more questions your honor, and we respectfully ask that this case be "DISMISSED."
FRIDAY, MAY 24
Whooooops! Don't dismiss that jury just yet, because Amanda Bynes has been arrested! Last night at Bynes' Midtown apartment, police arrived after being informed by the building's doorman that she was smoking marijuana in the lobby. (Mind your own beeswax, doorman!) Police immediately noticed a bong sitting on Amanda's kitchen counter, and here's what happened next according to the cop's report: "I observed [Amanda] grab said bong, run to the westbound-facing window, and throw it out the window where numerous pedestrians were walking on the 8 Avenue and West 47 Street sidewalks below." Naturally, she was arrested for reckless endangerment, possession of marijuana, and tampering with evidence. After a night in the pokey, she briefly appeared in court today, informing the judge that the bong she threw out the window was actually just "a vase." Again, your honor, no further questions needed! Now you may tell the jury this case is officially DISMISSED.
SATURDAY, MAY 25
OH! One more quick and hilarious Amanda Bynes anecdote. Last weekend Amanda was denied entrance onto a jet flight to LA from New Jersey because her license was expired. However, according to Amanda, she didn't need any identification because, as she told the airport official, "I'm Amanda Bynes! Google me!" While Bynes is usually brilliant at defending herself (see Thursday and Friday), this time it obviously didn't work because... have you Googled Amanda Bynes lately? She's lucky if they let her on any plane again ever!
SUNDAY, MAY 26
TV wunderkind Lena Dunham—creator and star of HBO's Girls—is not at all happy with the Hustler porn parody of her show titled This Ain't Girls XXX. Here is her three-point explanation of why she hates the idea (as published on her twatter machine): "1. Because Girls is, at its core, a feminist action while Hustler is a company that markets and monetizes a male's idea of female sexuality. 2. Because a big reason I engage in (simulated) onscreen sex is to counteract a skewed idea of that act created by the proliferation of porn. 3. Because it grosses me out." (Preach on, sister Lena, preach on.) However, according to one of the porn's actors, Richie Calhoun (who spoofs the character Adam from the show), he's simply trying to be true to the actual series. "I tried to make it as weird as possible. I tried to say really weird things and do really weird positions." We've come a long way, baby. Aaaand we just slid backward another 30 feet.