MONDAY, NOVEMBER 17 America wants to know what our male celebrities smell like. Argue if you like, but it's a scientific fact. This is perhaps why People magazine—in a bid to stave off the eventual bankruptcy that will engulf every magazine in this country—included a "Sexy Scents" section in this week's "Sexiest Men Alive" edition. That's right; actual "scratch 'n' sniff" photos of such aromatic stars as Gossip Girl's Chace Crawford, hunky Taye Diggs, and nether-dampening Olympic swimming star Michael Phelps. In an unsuccessful bid to lure us to the bedroom, Hubby Kip also offered a "scratch 'n' sniff" product—but previously worn underpants don't carry the same allure, do they? MEANWHILE... What's up with the Somalia pirates? Besides giving reporters a reason to say "aaarrghh" (God, we are so tired of that), hijacking oil freighters off the African coast and holding the contents and crew for ransom have suddenly become a HUGE cottage industry to at least one struggling nation. Though Somalia's infrastructure is a disaster, pirates are building mansions, driving luxury cars, and infusing the local economy with cash. "Regardless of how the money is coming in, legally or illegally, I can say it has started a life in our town," says Somalian mom Shamso Moalim. "Our children are not worrying about food now... they are happy." People magazine responded, "Are these pirates interested in a subscription? We can totally give them their own 'scratch 'n' sniff' section."
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 18 Though it might not be so great for her mental health, an "antsy" Britney Spears is an "entertaining" Britney Spears. In her upcoming behind-the-scenes documentary, Das Britta dishes deep on her head-shaving and vaheena-baring days, as well as her current mood—which... well... isn't that great. "There's no excitement, there's no passion, there's no nothing," Brit bemoans. "It's just like Groundhog Day every day, you know? So I'm really bored." WOW. When did Britney become the Friedrich Nietzsche of pop music? If she really wants a career turnaround, she should dye her hair, paint her nails black, and jump on this goth-y, Hot Topic-y, Twilight-y bandwagon the kids keep raving about. You never hear Avril Lavigne complaining, do you? MEANWHILE... But it's not just Britney Spears wallowing in the pity pit. Our good friend Lindsay Lohan appears to be on the verge of another out-of-control downward spiral—but this time she's documenting the entire fall on her blog. YAY!! To critics who have suggested that celebrity blogging isn't necessarily the best idea, LiLo put another blog on the fire. "There's a person in here, and I have feelings too," Lindy wrote. "I don't want people to think that I'm just an empty fucking whatever." Lindsay. We would NEVER call you an "empty fucking whatever"—for the same reason we never called you "fire crotch." Man, that brings back memories, doesn't it?
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 19 In "good" gay news, the California Supreme Court has agreed to take another look at the homophobic Proposition 8 (which stripped same-sex couples of their married status) and will hopefully come to the correct conclusion that the Constitution applies to ALL OF US. In "bad" gay news, Lindsay Lohan and her boyish girl-toy Samantha Ronson got into a lesbian fistfight in a London club, setting same-sex marriage back... oh... let's just say 10 years. According to The Sun, SamRo spotted LiLo dancing with CalBe (Lind's ex-bf Calum Best), and "Sam came screeching up to Lindsay screaming blue murder and throwing punches," said an obviously British source. "The pair traded a series of blows before Calum managed to pry them apart." But happily the spat didn't end there! Upon leaving the club, a source claims that Lindsay was so furious with her gal pal's actions, "she launched herself at Sam in the lobby. She was spitting at her and clawing at her chest." Me-to-the-OW! See, married homophobes? When they apply themselves, lesbians can be just like you.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 20 The most hilariously unsurprising headline of the day: "Lohan and Ronson in Couples Counseling?" An alleged insider tells the New York Post that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have started seeing a relationship therapist following their London brawl earlier this week. The torrid twosome "are fighting like cats and dogs," says the source, who should have said "cats and cats"... but never mind. "They're [always] screaming, crying, and yelling at each other. Sam deals with Lindsay's [drama] every day. And every day for Sam means questioning, 'Is it worth it?'" Only one person in the world can truthfully answer that question, Sam—and that's Kevin Federline. Maybe you guys should bond over a bag of Cheetos?
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 21 Madonna and Guy Ritchie are officially kaput, and Guy couldn't be happier! The divorce was finalized today, and the ever-tactful Ritchie said, "It dragged on much too long and that had nothing to do with me. It was never about the money—never about her bloody art collection. I just wanted to settle it and move on." (Word on the street is that despite Ritchie's tough talk, Mads paid him £2 million to help get the whole thing over with quickly.) MEANWHILE... The Hills' Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have been secretly married in Cabos San Lucas! In an ominous sign of things to come, Montag told Us, "The minute we said our vows, I couldn't stop crying." (Dear, we know exactly what you mean.) MEANWHILE... Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Pete Wentz had a baby boy last night, and they named it (brace yourself...) Bronx Mowgli Wentz. (If it had been a girl, we can only assume it'd be named Queens Baloo.) Welcome to the illustrious club of idiotically named celebrity children, Bronx Mowgli! If you have any questions about exactly how much self-loathing awaits you, just ask Nicolas Cage's son Kal-El, Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter Apple, or Jason Lee's son Pilot Inspektor. Also, feel free to skip preschool and go straight to therapy.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 22 Ugh! More therapy! While Lindsay Lohan is being forced to wade through the awkward, fight-filled, unproductive drudgery of couples counseling (hi Kip!), her dad, Michael, can't find a fight to save his life! Last month, punch-happy Michael took bids from people wanting to box (AKA "beat the crap out of") him, saying he'd donate the proceeds to charity—until his parole officer nixed the idea, most likely because Lohan "spent 20 months in prison for attempted assault." Fair enough... but he would have made the perfect punching bag for LiLo and Sam's counseling sessions.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 23 "A security guard at the Church of Scientology's Celebrity Centre in Hollywood shot and killed a man wielding two samurai swords, police said." That's from today's Los Angeles Times, and we swear we didn't make it up! Reportedly, the man was in his 40s, bald, tattooed, and "had a history with the church," though he wasn't a current member. Security footage showed the man driving up "in a red convertible, getting out of the vehicle and approaching a trio of security guards and waving a sword in each hand." "The evidence is very clear the security officers were defending their safety," said the LAPD's Terry S. Hara. Luckily, yours truly has an inside source on the story! "Well, er... ah, yes," stammered Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. "But the accused was only briefly involved with the church 47 lunar mega-cycles ago! And besides, when Dark Emperor Suri takes command of your pitiful planet, such events will become normal. For as the great book of Dianetics clearly states: 'BEHOLD! THE HARBINGER OF YOUR DOOM HAS ARRIVED IN A CHERRY RED CONVERTIBLE, WIELDING SAMURAI SWORDS, PAYING HOMAGE TO THE HONORABLE TOM CRUISE IN THE CONTEMPORARY CLASSIC THE LAST SAMURAI!' Cry out in terror, humanoids! The thetans shall be scourged, the Mighty L. Ron shall return, and SURI SHALL REIGN!"