MONDAY, DECEMBER 11 We have a lot to be ashamed of. We realize this. Basically our job is to report on, and then MAKE FUN OF actual celebrities just trying to live their lives. We are problem makers, not problem solvers. That being said, who is this bitch Paris Hilton to tell US that WE should be ashamed of our actions?!? This week on a MySpace page attributed to the hotel heiress, Paris stepped up to defend new mom Britney Spears' underpantless partying antics. "For people to call out her parenting skills on behalf of her partying ethics is appalling," she said, not realizing that her sentence structure is appalling as well. "Britney loves her kids to death... she goes home every night to her babies and partying has not come in the way of her parenting," she added, not realizing that most parents NEVER get to go out unless they're rich enough to have a nanny do the parenting for them. "Anyone who has called her out on this should really be ashamed." As stated earlier, we're ashamed about a lot of things, but not that. Why? Because while we may occasionally make reference to Brit's cavalier parenting style, Brit's ex-hubby K.Fed is planning on writing AN ENTIRE BOOK about it! According to MSNBC.com, unless the former Mr. Spears receives the alimony check he thinks he deserves, he will publish a scandal-filled tell-all involving "shocking details about wild drinking, alleged drug abuse, her sexual attraction towards other women—as well as her supposed belief in time-travel." Well, we hope K.Fed believes in time travel, too. Because it's pretty hard to write a book when you never learned to read or write. KA-ZING! (Hey, K.Fed! Maybe you should zip to the future and pick up a snappy response. DOUBLE-BURN!)
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 12 Racism is WRONG. And if you don't believe it, ask Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, and now... Rosie O'Donnell? The newest co-host of The View found herself in hot water recently after making what most sane people recognized as anti-Asian remarks. O'Donnell was commenting on the world-wide stir caused when drunken Danny DeVito visited the show, and said, "You can imagine in China it's like: 'Ching chong. Danny DeVito, ching chong, chong, chong, chong. Drunk. The View. Ching chong." Considering the current population of China, this hurt A LOT of feelings, and today, Rosie made something that was intended to be an apology of sorts. "This, apparently was very offensive to a lot of Asian people," she said. "Apparently 'ching-chong,' unbeknownst to me, is a very offensive way to make fun, quote-unquote, or mock Asian accents. Some people have told me it's as bad as the n-word. I was like, really? I didn't know that." Yeah, Rosie, it is a lot like "the n-word" APPARENTLY. Racism is APPARENTLY like that a lot! Meanwhile Tommy Chong (of the comedy duo Cheech & Chong) was also offended, but nobody cares because stoner hippies are not a protected class of people. Thank god.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 13 And while we are often accused of spending WAY too much time reporting the daily embarrassments of Brit, Paris, and LiLo, are you really interested in Miss USA snorting coke and lustily kissing Miss Teen USA? You are? Oh. Well, give the people what they want, we always say. As it turns out Miss USA Tara Conner may have to step down from her royal throne amidst accusations of unpatriotic, unladylike behavior. According to the Daily News, the 20-year-old beauty queen has been whooping it up all over NYC, engaging in underage drinkery, coke snorting, and ramming her tongue down the throat of 18-year-old Miss Teen USA Katie Blair. "I've seen them kiss before," said one snoopy clubgoer. "They always dance all sexy on the tables." Unfortunately for us all, Miss USA winners are held to a different standard of conduct than most celebrities, and she may be forced to relinquish her title—but on the upside? Now she doesn't have to wear those uncomfortable underpants!
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 14 Today another state stepped forward to do the right thing by legalizing same-sex civil unions—and unbelievably, that state was NEW JERSEY? Whaaaa?? Now we could imagine New Jersey approving a law that would allow Bruce Springsteen to kill one kitten a day for an entire year—for them that makes sense. But to legalize civil unions? Naturally, supporters of the cause are disappointed that legislators didn't go the whole nine yards and legalize gay marriage—but c'mon! This is Jersey, for the love of god! Not even Oregon recognizes civil unions (which is just another reason why our state needs the Mafia). Bada-bing!
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 15 Now perhaps this is an improvement, and we shouldn't be complaining... but... Britney? Remember when you were flashing your plucked nethers all over Hollyweird, and we told you to put some panties on already? We meant it. And we're really, really glad that you finally took our advice and ventured inside a Victoria's Secret. And good work, Brit! The panties look nice—pink's a good color on you—and the matching bra? Classy! But Brit, we didn't mean, "just wear underwear." Like that outfit you were wearing tonight? That lacy see-through dress didn't cover anything, which means you were basically cavorting around town in nothing but your brand-new intimates. Well, dear, have a seat. Maybe you're having some trouble wrapping your cute little head around the concept of "dressing." Let's recap: So clothes, worn without any underwear? Frowned upon, yes, but acceptable. But just underwear, and nothing else? No, Brit. It doesn't work that way. Dressing with clothes and underwear is not an "either/or" situation. It's a "both" situation. A dress requires underwear. Underwear necessitates a dress. We're not sure how much more remedial we can get here. This is pretty basic stuff. C'mon, Brit. Brit—don't you roll your eyes at me, missy. You sit up straight and you listen. We're not telling you this again.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 16 Nothing happened today. Oh, yeah... we went Christmas shopping. It was horrible.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 17 In a pretty good mood, aren't you? It's Christmas time, the weather's not too cold, you're healthy, and Newt Gingrich is running for president... Wait—wha-huh? No! But yes! "Of course I'm thinking about it," Gingrich proclaimed today on Meet the Press, referring to a possible presidential bid in 2008. Okay, all that peace and love and Christmas bullshit? Never mind. Commence nightmares... now! MEANWHILE.... Osama bin Laden is dead! Osama bin Laden is dead! Finally! We got that murdering, no-good terrorist! We never thought it'd happen, but we have to give props to George W. Bush and his crack team of Army Rangers who daringly hunted down and kill—wait, wait. Sorry. Our mistake. No, that Osama's fine. By "Osama bin Laden," we meant the other Osama bin Laden—a killer elephant who was "named after Osama bin Laden by fearful villagers" in India's northeastern state of Assam, according to the Associated Press. In a reign of terror we're going to call "Assam's 9/11," the rampaging elephantine Osama killed 14 people, and—before he was shot today—"evaded two previous attempts by officials to kill it." Obvious parallels aside, what can George W. Bush and his crack team of Army Rangers learn from all this? Nothing else he's done has lured him out; maybe it's time to give peanuts a try.