MONDAY, MAY 27
This just in: Amanda Bynes was NOT "slapped on the vagina" by police—at least according to the police. Why are the police being accused of slapping Amanda Bynes on the vagina? Apparently she's still very bottom-sore over last week's arrest when police arrived at her residence, and she responded by tossing a bong (or as she refers to it, "a vase") out her apartment building window. (That was a perfectly good bong/vase, BTW.) Immediately upon release, Amanda took her defense to the court of Twatter, where she twattered, "I'm suing NYPD for illegally entering my apartment, lying about drugs on me, and lying about me tampering with nonexistent drug paraphernalia." She then accused the cops of the aforementioned "vagina slapping" incident, later adding, "You can't lock up an innocent person! Thanks for caring! Look forward to seeing me in music videos! I'm getting in shape and getting a nose job!" Amanda? Trust us when we say, "We cannot wait!!" MEANWHILE... Amanda's neighbors aren't exactly fans of the former child star. (Surprise!) Even when they're not avoiding bongs (sorry, "vases") falling from the sky, they're reportedly kind of creeped out by her. "She just stares at people," a building resident told People magazine. "Her eyes look really messed up. It's very clear [to me that] she's not just smoking pot." YEAH, WE KNOW. She's arranging "flowers." In her "vase." MEANWHILE... While tossing a vase out a window may not be the smartest move, Amanda went too far this weekend when she inexplicably dissed Rihanna on her Twatter machine. Bynes wrote and quickly deleted the following: "@rihanna Chris brown beat you because you're not pretty enough" (!!!), followed by "@rihanna no one wants to be your lover so you call everyone and their mother that I almost named my new dog Rihanna." (!!!) While insanely bizarre, at least these insults inspired the best Rihanna Twatter burn ever: "Ya see what happens when they cancel Intervention?" GAME, SET, COW-TIPPING MATCH: Rihanna.
TUESDAY, MAY 28
Welllll... he's no Amanda Bynes, but teen douche Justin Bieber is well on his way to becoming a tabloid mainstay! As previously reported, Justin recently abandoned his pet monkey in Germany, threatened to sue his pals for $5 million if they blab about his parties, and continues to dangerously race around his upscale neighborhood in his Ferrari. However, one neighbor has grown tired of the 19-year-old's speedy antics—former NFL superstar (and still very big and scary) Keyshawn Johnson. Yesterday evening when Johnson spied Biebs driving past his house at breakneck speeds, he actually chased after the teen star in his Prius. (That's right... Prius vs. Ferrari... who ya got??) When Bieber arrived back at his mansion, the 6'4", 211-pound football star stepped out of his car, aaaaand... Justin ran into his home like a scared bunny. (Which is proof Bieber isn't completely stupid.) MEANWHILE... This may not be true, but we love it so much we're repeating it anyway. According to the same frustrated neighbors who accuse Bieb of ripping down the street in his sports car and motorcycle, TMZ reports he was also allegedly seen over the long holiday weekend, riding a Segway while smoking a joint. We would challenge Amanda Bynes to top that... but we're pretty sure she easily could.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 29
Very quickly—and just so you stay informed: Buck-toothed hillbilly Miley Cyrus and hunky hottie Liam Hemsworth have broken up again. We now return you to something you give two shits about. MEANWHILE... According to the New York Post, the bootylicious Beyoncé was fah-ur-ious after discovering that H&M allegedly doctored her modeling photos, thereby trimming down her famous curves. Demanding that the company only use "natural" un-retouched photos of her in their ad campaigns, Queen B had the doctored photos dumped. On behalf of every woman and man in the world, we thank you, Beyoncé. (Though we still think you should've had those idiots hung in the public square.)
THURSDAY, MAY 30
Here's a public service announcement from.... Rihanna! And... herpes! A NYC woman is suing M.A.C. Cosmetics for giving her herpes—from a Rihanna-endorsed tube of lipstick. Apparently the woman accepted a sample of "RiRi Woo" red lipstick at a recent Rihanna concert, applied it liberally, and the next day? POOF! Herpes. Naturally, one should never, ever apply lipstick from testers and Rihanna cannot be blamed for this woman getting the herp—however, let's just go ahead and blame Chris Brown, because... you know... CHRIS BROWN.
FRIDAY, MAY 31
Following Justin Bieber's charming antics earlier this week, his neighbors are taking action, according to TMZ! Their plan? To refuse to pay their dues to their neighborhood's homeowners association (HOA), hoping that doing so will "force the HOA to give Justin a stern reminder about the neighborhood rules." Yep. That'll put him in his place! Great plan, neighbors! IN RELATED NEWS... Shockingly, Amanda Bynes has been evicted from her Manhattan apartment. "Movers showed up and removed Amanda's belongings from the apartment," a relieved-sounding source gabbed to In Touch. "She is officially gone from the building." Hmm. Now, we aren't usually the kind for matchmaking, but we will say that if Justin had to get a new house... and if Amanda needs somewhere to live.... Well, we'll leave it at that, you two crazy kids! Think it over!
SATURDAY, JUNE 1
Last week, we wrote about how Girls' Lena Dunham was, um, less than pleased with Hustler's plans to make a porn parody of her show, This Ain't Girls XXX. The smart, great Dunham noted that Girls is "a feminist action while Hustler is a company that markets and monetizes a male's idea of female sexuality," that "a big reason why I engage in (simulated) onscreen sex is to counteract a skewed idea of that act created by the proliferation of porn" and that the whole idea just "grosses me out." Turns out the auteur behind This Ain't Girls XXX, Stuart Canterbury, didn't care for Dunham's (100 percent reasonable) comments, and sent an unsolicited letter to the Atlantic, chastising Dunham: "To say that all pornography is anti-feminist is a tired cliché which undermines the right of free sexual choices that a liberated woman can make for herself," he said. (Thanks, Stuart, for telling us women about the choices we can make.) The Atlantic then called porn star Alex Chance—who's playing Dunham's character in the porn—who also had a few thoughts. "We both are the nontraditional versions in our different areas," Chance said. "I hope that when women watch porn and watch me they think, 'Oh, she's not necessarily this stick-thin girl and she can still do this awesome act,' or whatever. Because not every girl is skinny and I think that's what Lena Dunham is trying to promote. Not every girl looks like a supermodel. I hope that she at least kind of gets that from it." And then another porn star, Richie Calhoun, jumped in, saying—THIS JUST IN. "Wait," a confused Hubby Kip just said, reading over our shoulder. "So... is the Girls porno a good thing, or a bad thing, or... I don't.... Argh! Look! All I want to know is if I can watch the Girls porno or not!!" Well, dear, we suppose that's just a moral decision you'll have to make on your own. (Also, no.)
SUNDAY, JUNE 2
This weekend in the Guardian, Michael Douglas was asked if he got his throat cancer from drinking and smoking. Nope! "Without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus," Douglas replied with incredible specificity. "It's a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it." While the Guardian noted that HPV is incredibly common, and that cunnilingus is more likely than fellatio to pass on HPV, they found a bit of a problem with Douglas' "cure." "Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be much research evidence to back up Douglas' claim that the cure for throat cancer is still more cunnilingus," the Guardian reports. Well, that's too bad. However! Cunnilingus can cure plenty of other things—like, say, debilitating confusion? Particularly the sort currently being felt by certain husbands, who may or may not be reading over our shoulder as we type this? Just saying. (Oh! My! Look at that. Time for this week's column to come to an end, dears.)