MONDAY, JUNE 3
For the love of all that's holy... can someone please take away Amanda Bynes' Twatter account? For example... CASE IN POINT #1: After famously twattering she would like rapper Drake to "murder her vagina," she's apparently changed her mind, writing, "Drake has the ugliest smile, ugly gums uneven teeth ugly eyes." (For those just joining us: Amanda Bynes uses the word "ugly" like a concert pianist uses eighth notes.) Luckily for poor Drake's ego, that post was quickly deleted and replaced with this one: "@drake not with his ugly smile and ugly uneven teeth and fugly face! He's gay and ugly I want a hot straight man!" Guess she needed to put a finer point on it. CASE IN POINT #2: Not content with one Twatter account, Amanda reportedly has a second "secret" account (using the handle "MalibuBarbie")—which isn't really secret because everyone knows it's her. Here's an example that doesn't sound anything like Amanda Bynes: "@Drake acts ugly because he looks ugly." And... "You're so ugly I want to stab your face with a knife, carve our ur eye balls and stab your voice box so I no longer have to hear your voice." Yeeeeah, maybe it's not her. Sounds too sane. CASE IN POINT #3: As warned in last week's One Day, Amanda got a new nose job and announced it on Twatter thusly: "My dad is as ugly as RuPaul! So thankful I look nothing like you both." RuPaul quickly responded: "Derogatory slurs are ALWAYS an outward projection of a person's own poisonous self-loathing @AmandaBynes." Oh, RuPaul... don't even waste your beautiful energy. Trying to stop Amanda from calling someone "ugly" is like stopping a speeding locomotive with a spatula. Just let the crazy train speed right on by. CASE IN POINT #4: We don't know who's crazier, but Playboy Radio offered Amanda her own full-time hour-long daily radio show! Finally, a way for Amanda to turn her life around and get back on her feet! But does she take it? "I want to do the show..." Amanda told TMZ, "but I can't because I'm recording [my rap] album." GAAAAAAHHH! Fine... fine... fine... just call Playboy Radio "ugly" and let the crazy train roll!
TUESDAY, JUNE 4
Last week, actor Michael Douglas blamed his throat cancer on HPV contracted from cunnilingus. This surprising revelation obviously infuriated the vaginas of ex-wifey Diandra Douglas and current wife Catherine Zeta-Jones, aaaaand... (fast forward 10 seconds) oh, look! It's a "clarification statement" from Michael Douglas. Let's see what it says: "I simply told a reporter... [there's] a virus that can cause oral cancers, and is one of the few areas of cancers that can be controlled, and there are vaccinations that kids can get. So that was my attempt." The Guardian (who originally ran the interview) rebutted Douglas' rebuttal with a recording of Douglas clearly saying his throat cancer was caused by cunnilingus. Poor Michael Douglas. Looks like he'll be eating out for a while. MEANWHILE... Speaking of cancer-causing va-jay-jays, wicked crone Kim Kardashian's divorce from hapless doof Kris Humphries is finally complete—which means she can ethically (and without remorse) pursue fucking Kanye West with her cancer-filled vagina, and whoopsy! Too late.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 5
The absolutely adorable 15-year-old Paris Jackson—daughter of late King of Pop Michael Jackson and Debbie Rowe—was taken to a Los Angeles hospital tonight following an unsuccessful suicide attempt. Grandmother Katherine Jackson issued the following statement: "Being a sensitive 15-year-old is difficult no matter who you are. It is especially difficult when you lose the person closest to you." That sounds perfectly reasonable—and so does this explanation from a source telling Entertainment Tonight the reason Paris attempted suicide is "because she wasn't allowed to go to a Marilyn Manson concert." Ohhh sweetie. Trust us. We've been there, and things will get better.
THURSDAY, JUNE 6
Girls Gone Wild founding douchebag Joe Francis—he who spent much of the early 2000s encouraging drunken teens to strip and humiliate themselves on camera—is furious that a sex tape featuring himself in the starring role has been stolen and is being shopped around to various porno outlets. Joe swears the person responsible for this invasive and humiliating breech of privacy will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Can someone pass us a hacksaw? It's really hard to cut through irony when it's so thick.
FRIDAY, JUNE 7
Following reports that Verizon supplies data about Americans' phone calls to the National Security Agency, the Guardian has reported that major internet companies Google, Facebook, Microsoft, and Apple have been doing the same with their users' data—including emails, chats, videos, log-ins, file transfers, and that Instagram you really shouldn't have posted. The top-secret surveillance program—which, following the precedent set by countless James Bond villains, is named "PRISM"—was intended to collect info on suspected overseas terrorists, but in doing so, scooped up massive amounts of data from regular Americans. "What we have put in place is the foundation of a very oppressive state," counterterrorism expert Brian Jenkins pointed out to Slate. Naturally, President Barack Obama doesn't see it that way! Insisting that PRISM—however creepy and invasive—is totally legal, he called the intrusions "modest encroachments on privacy." He added that he likes those shoes you were looking at on Zappos, but you should go for the pumps rather than the flats—even though you clearly have nothing to worry about, he knows how you feel about your ankles.
SATURDAY, JUNE 8
"I wouldn't let the paps get a pic of me today & they threatened my life & said if I continue to block shots then they will make my world dangerous to live in!" a hyperventilating Kim Kardashian tweeted. "How dare they threaten my life & my unborn child! This has gotten way out of control! Let me enjoy this last month of pregnancy please without threats & being scared to leave my home due to what dangerous thing they just threatened to do to me." Wait... is Kim Kardashian saying that she'll go into hiding if paparazzi keep harassing her? Godspeed, paparazzi. Godspeed.
SUNDAY, JUNE 9
"The individual responsible for one of the most significant leaks in US political history is Edward Snowden, a 29-year-old former technical assistant for the CIA and current employee of the defense contractor Booz Allen Hamilton," the Guardian reveals. Snowden, who's currently hiding in a Hong Kong hotel room, gave up a $122,000 salary, his girlfriend, and his home in Hawaii to leak documents about PRISM to the Guardian and the Washington Post. "I can't in good conscience allow the US government to destroy privacy, internet freedom, and basic liberties for people around the world with this massive surveillance machine they're secretly building," Snowden told the Guardian, which characterized him as "quiet, smart, easy-going, and self-effacing." Adding that his time in the CIA "disillusioned me about how my government functions and what its impact is in the world," he "realized that I was part of something that was doing far more harm than good." Explaining he hoped Obama's election would reform the practices begun under George W. Bush, he "watched as Obama advanced the very policies that I thought would be reined in." "You can't wait around for someone else to act," Snowden said. "I had been looking for leaders, but I realized that leadership is about being the first to act." Thanks for acting, Ed. MEANWHILE... Let's end this week on a high note, dears: Amy Poehler's got a new boyfriend! After splitting with Arrested Development's Will Arnett, the entirely delightful star of Parks and Recreation is now going out with comedian Nick Kroll! "They are so cute together!" a source squealed to Us. "They have a lot of fun together obviously and are both real big fans of each other." See, everybody? Things are okay! Everything isn't terr—MEANWHILE... "Oh, you guys just heard about Amy and Nick?" said President Obama. "Ha! I've known about them for ages. You should see the emojis they text each other! Super cute."