MONDAY, NOVEMBER 24 It's a dirty, dirty world... which means it's up to One Day at a Time to follow it around with a pooper scoop. So... what vibe are you getting from the "Britney Spears Comeback 2.0"? If the vibe is "awkward," "carefully staged," and "bullshitty," then you're not alone. In an interview in this month's Rolling Stone (the magazine that first branded her as a jailbait slut), Britney once again "bared her soul"—well, at least as much as the pre-approved questions would allow. Barely any mention was made of Brit's head-shaving, umbrella-swinging, vaheena-flashing past—except by manager/warden Larry Rudolph, who thinks we should forget the silly past and concentrate on the future Brit. "It's about the journey for Britney," said Rudolph Dalai Lama, "and the journey has taken her to this place now, which is a much, much better place. I mean, she's not there yet, but... she's very happy now." OH REALLY? Well according to Star magazine, Der Britta's bodyguard begs to differ! Despite her so-called comeback, the article claims that Spears is "still a seriously sick girl who lives in a fear-filled fantasy world" (God, we love that phrase), and alleges the Princess of Pop Tarts is still "abusing laxatives and forcing herself to vomit after meals to stay slim." Sources also claim that Brit's supposedly healthy diet consists mostly of "Taco Bell and turkey jerky washed down with Red Bull." Umm... EW! And yet? There's not a single mention of jumbo bags of Cheetos in that sentence. We call that "significant improvement." Baby steps, Brit! Baby steps.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 25 It's been less than a month, and President Oba... we mean, President-ELECT Obama is already making President Bush look like a bag of wet, moldy laundry. Yesterday Obama held a press conference to announce his new economic team, which is already planning an aggressive stimulus package. Today Obama met the press again to announce his pick for the White House budget office, simultaneously vowing to cut billions in wasteful spending. And unsurprisingly, each time after Obama spoke, the stock market shot up, up, and up. It would seem that the only thing hobbling our slow march to recovery is the aforementioned wet bag of laundry. BUT! "There is only one president at a time," Obama reminded us. "That president is George W. Bush." Ugh. We're going to bed with a bottle of Ambien. Wake us on January 20. MEANWHILE... According to Us Weekly, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of the MTV reality show The Hills eloped to Mexico. Why? Was Hollywood's Church of Satan booked?
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 26 A horrible night in the Indian city of Mumbai occurred when terrorists went on a gun- and grenade-wielding rampage, took hostages and, as of press time, murdered 172 people. The gunmen attacked hotels, a café, a hospital, and a train station in seemingly coordinated attacks on places teeming with Westerners. One of the most disturbing stories came from the city's Chhatrapati Shivaji station where photographer Sebastian D'Souza of the Mumbai Mirror snapped one of the few pictures taken of the gunmen, and described the scene. "They were shooting from waist height and fired at anything that moved," D'Souza said. "They looked like backpackers, not terrorists, but they were very heavily armed and clearly knew how to use their rifles. There were armed policemen hiding all around the station, but none of them did anything. I said, 'Shoot them, they're sitting ducks!' but they just didn't shoot back. [Later] I told some policemen the gunmen had moved towards the rear of the station, but they refused to follow them. What is the point of having policemen with guns if they refuse to use them? I only wish I had a gun rather than a camera."
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 27 Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. As is our annual T-day tradition, what follows is a truncated list of everything for which we're thankful. (1) According to the New York Post, far right conservative ranter Ann Coulter broke her jaw, and is now walking around with her mouth wired shut. (2) As you know, Madonna officially split from hubby Guy Ritchie last Friday, and we were deathly afraid she'd never find a suitable replacement. Thankfully, baseball star Alex Rodriguez has stepped up to the plate and the twosome have been spotted canoodling on at least three separate occasions since Madge's quickie divorce. See girls? If there's hope for Madonna, there's hope for us all. And (3) though we are truly insufferable to live with, we are eternally thankful for our loving Hubby Kip, who has had to endure at least one insult per column over the last three years. If it makes you feel any better, Kip, we would NEVER dump you for A-Rod. And maybe not even for George Clooney.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 28 Today was "Black Friday," when retailers slashed prices to lure people back into stores, despite it being the Terrifying Financial Crisis of the Millennium. And across our proud nation, greedy, desperate mobs formed in the wee hours this morning, demanding to be let into stores to buy... well, whatever was on sale. And nowhere was the Christmas spirit more evident than in Palm Desert, California, where two men were shot dead after arguing at a Toys "R" Us, and in Long Island, New York, where a Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death after a horde of 2,000 shoppers stampeded into the store when the doors opened at 5 am. "Hundreds of people" stepped on the man for "several minutes" before space was cleared, reported CNN, but by then, it was too late. "I'm real sorry that fella had to die and all," said shopper Maxine Reeves, 43. "But I totally got the fourth season of Scrubs for only $34.86! So at least he didn't die in vain."
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 29 Welcome to One Day at a Time's newest feature: Celebrities You've Forgotten About™! First up? Jessica Simpson, who you might remember from that one reality TV show in which she was married or something. But while Simpson once played stadiums, she's now playing venues like the San Manuel Indian Bingo & Casino in Highland, California—a luxurious venue that, according to OK! magazine, boasts "florescent lighting, dirty carpet, and fried-food odor." "Jessica's dressing room at the bingo hall was a little larger than a broom closet," an insider told OK! Next? John Travolta, who you might remember from Look Who's Talking, Look Who's Talking Too, and Look Who's Talking Now. "I gave Richard Gere and Tom Hanks a career!" the delusional Travolta bragged this week, claiming that he turned down the lead roles in both Chicago and The Green Mile. Mm-hmm. Sure you did, John. Finally! Winona Ryder, who you might remember as an adorable little Generation X pixie, and also from Saks Fifth Avenue, where in 2001, she not-so-sneakily shoplifted $5,500 worth of merchandise. Well, surprise, surprise: Someone was apparently stupid enough to loan Winona over $120,000 worth of diamonds for a fashion awards ceremony in Madrid, and—SHOCKINGLY—those diamonds are now missing! Ryder allegedly gave the diamonds to "staff at her Madrid hotel for safekeeping," reports the Daily Mail, but "hotel management insist they have no surveillance footage showing her handing over the jewels." Hmm. How mysterious!
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 30 "SHUT UP, JEN!" is the low-key headline on a recent issue of Star magazine—an issue that claims Brangelina is furious with horsey-faced Jennifer Aniston. "Angie is so sick and tired of Jen going out of her way to make her and Brad look bad," said an insider who also called her 'America's Whining Sweetheart.'" (Personally, we've always thought of her as "America's Whinnying Sweetheart.") Reportedly, Brad called Jen and chewed her out, and he was so pissed his voice was shaking, another insider says! "Brad told her to shut up and stop talking about Angelina. He pretty much said Jen had better show Angelina a little respect, and to stomp her hoof twice if she understood." Oh, FINE. We made that last part up. But wouldn't it be a more interesting world if we wrote the tabloids?