MEGAN FOX Go on... cry, Baldy! CRYYYYYYY!!


Today begins with two young adults—both of whom represent America in their own special way. Our first young adult is confessed National Security Agency whistleblower Edward Snowden who turned over thousands of classified documents to England's the Guardian, blowing the lid off the pervasive spying on US citizens that our government claims protects us from terrorism. Why? Because as Snowden told the Guardian, Americans have the right to know what government abuses are being conducted in their name. Young adult #2: Justin Bieber, who was recently seen leaving Miley Cyrus' residence driving a leopard-print car (an Audi R8) and covering his face in apparent hopes we wouldn't recognize him?!? NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND DRIVES A LEOPARD-PRINT CAR EXCEPT FOR JUSTIN BIEBER. Anyway, that is today's tale of two young adults: Who would you rather invite over for dinner? MEANWHILE... This weekend, while judging the skeptically titled Britain's Got Talent, Simon Cowell got pelted by eggs from the stage by a viola player as two contestants sang "The Impossible Dream." And while the viola player (a scorned contestant from last season) later semi-apologized for her "silly" actions, attacking Cowell with eggs during that particular song could not have been more aptly planned—unless she was throwing them at Justin Bieber. MEANWHILE... Following repeated jokes that instead of getting his eyes tucked, he gets his testicles "ironed out," dreamboaty George Clooney has inadvertently started the newest Hollyweird plastic surgery fad. According to MailOnline, a procedure called "Tighten the Tackle" has been added to the menu of services at Santa Monica's Beauty Park spa, where for $575, lasers are used to "remove hair, erase wrinkles, and correct discoloration on the scrotum." Most importantly, it "provides overall tightening to the external skin." Umm... sorry... but the result sounds like two upside-down John Travolta faces. Can't they... you know... just snip 'em off? Blechh!


It's time for our weekly Amanda Bynes update—which admittedly sounds a lot like last week's Amanda Bynes update. The prolific Ms. Bynes continues her Twatter machine rampage this week, using the word "ugly" with the same artistry van Gogh accomplished with the color yellow. For example, even though she once wished he would "murder her vagina," today she twattered, "I only like @Drake because he's so ugly! Fine he is not, but he knows he's ugly!" Next she posted a picture of her father, writing, "Haha look at how ugly my dad's face is!" (Why didn't she wait until Father's Day?) She then went on to label gossip blogger Perez Hilton as "pigton" and (you guessed it) "ugly," before turning on singer Miley Cyrus, posting her picture and quickly informing her "Ur ugly." Miley responded by telling an interviewer for Hot 95.5 that she felt "sad" for Bynes, and had been "rooting for her comeback until she started attacking me." In Amanda's defense, Miley is extraordinarily ugly. Seriously, did science create a human/donkey hybrid and not tell anybody?


In gossip that probably isn't true (but would serve everyone right if it were), rapper and formerly intelligent person Kanye West has been accused of cheating on much-uglier-than-Miley-Cyrus grotesque sub-human Kim Kardashian... while she was pregnant! (Dramatic sting!) Star magazine, who totally uses "facts" if they are easily available, interviewed Canadian 24-year-old model Leyla Ghobadi who claims she had sex with Kanye twice: once in July 2012 (just after he began dating Karkrashian) and again three months into Kim's pregnancy. However, Leyla claims she broke off the sexcapades after learning Kim was preggo, and eventually decided to spill the story—because "if I were Kim and about to have a baby, I would want to know." Naturally, Kanye's reps are violently denying Leyla's story. No word from Kim yet, but we assume she'd be disgusted by anyone who would violate another person's relationship—for example the times she slept with Kanye while still married to Kris Humphries. Because that's not right!


Today former "Tiger Blood" enthusiast Charlie Sheen called MTV Teen Mom/amateur porn star Farrah Abraham "a desperate guzzler of stagnant douche agua." Apparently he was very unhappy about Farrah supposedly leaking a private text exchange between himself and Abraham, in which some fairly innocuous (for Charlie, anyway) flirting was going on. He responded with the above insult and (surprise!) continued thusly: "Congrats on surviving your lobotomy and an even bigger congratz on the recent attempt at porn. Your daughter must be so proud." It gets a little weird from there, but here are the most salient descriptors: "Middle-earth," "abyss," "pungent memory," and best of all, "pedestrian troposphere of lame-suck and zero life." Ouch! Neither Farrah nor ourselves know what that means... but OUCH!


Happy Newtown Day, everybody! Six months ago today, Adam Lanza killed his mother—shooting her four times in the head—before driving to Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut, where he shot his way through the school's glass door, shot and killed 20 children—all of them between the ages of six and seven—before shooting and killing six adults and himself. "Are we really prepared to say that we're powerless in the face of such carnage? That the politics are too hard? Are we prepared to say that such violence visited upon our children year after year after year is somehow the price of our freedom?" President Obama asked a few days later. Now, six months later—six months in which nothing has happened to prevent another tragedy—we have the answer to Obama's questions: yes, yes, and yes. Well done, America. ALSO... Today at an event organized by Mayors Against Illegal Guns, Carlee Soto—the sister of one of the teachers who was shot and killed at Sandy Hook—asked for 26 seconds of silence, which PBS NewsHour reports was followed "by a daylong reading of more than 6,000 names, all victims of gun violence around the country since the Newtown tragedy." One more time: Happy Newtown Day, everybody!


Ugh, let's just get this out of the way: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are the proud parents of a baby girl! "Kim was due to deliver the baby in July, but gave birth five weeks early," E! reports, adding that a source told them the "baby girl weighed in at 'under five pounds' and is definitely a Kardashian Mini Me: 'She has dark hair. She looks just like Kim.'" As we all know, dears, Kim Kardashian is the embodiment of all things grotesque and repugnant, while Kanye West is possibly the only person on the planet somehow more self-absorbed than her, and both of them are the worst. All the same, the birth of their child (who they will undoubtedly give an incredibly stupid fucking name to) is a cause for celebration, and, for this day at least, we will therefore offer our heartfelt congratulations and refrain from saying anything else true about these two horrid examples of humanity. Mwah, K 'n' K! MEANWHILE... Kanye-in-training Justin Bieber might as well give up any hope of ever getting back together with Selena Gomez... because according to Radar, he's totally cut off, thanks to one Miley Cyrus! "Justin and Miley hung out... in the wee hours of Sunday morning and his leopard-covered Audi [Remember?? See Monday for details!—Ann] was photographed at her house on Saturday," claims Radar, adding that a source close Selena dished that she's "not a Miley fan by any means and feels like Justin purposely did it just to piss her off. She's completely severing ties with him now." Standing ovation, Selena! If only the rest of us could be so lucky.


Join us, dears, in giving a warm welcome back to Megan Fox, who was quite a regular star in One Day at a Time a few years ago... then vanished off the face of the earth! Well, thanks to her surely Oscar-worthy role in the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, Megan's back... and as hysterical as ever! Literally! "She was hysterically bawling in the salon," a source tells Star about Megan's recent visit to a stylist, where "a metallic hair dye reacted to the initial product" and "her hair started falling out in clumps!" "I have never seen anyone so upset in my entire life!" the source continues. "She had to get extensions underneath the top layer of hair. It's left her terribly self-conscious and she doesn't want anyone to know." (Whoopsie!) Megan, don't ever leave us again. One Day just hasn't been the same without you.