MONDAY, JUNE 17
Exciting news, kiddos! As we reported last week, we couldn't give two shits whether Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's baby was born or not... however, we DO care very deeply about what idiotic name they'll bestow upon the unlucky little girl. And thus far? They refuse to officially release the name. But! We unofficially know and are 100 percent certain that Kim K and Kanye's doomed love child will NOT be "North West"—because Kim pooh-poohed that terrible idea on a recent interview with Jay Leno. Phew! While we hate Kim Kardashian with the blinding hot fury of a million suns, we wouldn't wish that ridiculously stupid name on anyone. So what name is currently at the top of the list? Well, in the same interview with Leno, Kim said, "I do like Easton... Easton West." OH, DEAR, GOD, NO. MEANWHILE... Speaking of terrible people doing terrible things, pop singer Katy Perry revealed in this month's issue of Vogue magazine that dreadful ex-hubby/unfunny limey Russell Brand informed her of his plans to divorce her... via text message. OH, NO, HE, DID, NOT. But at least she's learned to stay away from that type of slimy, no-good man, right? Nope! Because Katy also admits that after being dumped by Brand, she leapt right into the decaying arms of aging musician John Mayer, who has broken the hearts of Jennifer Aniston, Taylor Swift, Minka Kelly, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Jessica Simpson just to name the first few of thousands. And now, these ladies are offering Katy a few words of advice: "OH, NO, YOU, REALLY, SHOULD, NOT."
TUESDAY, JUNE 18
Still no definitive answer yet on a name for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's daughter, but we have it on extremely good authority (thanks, Huffington Post!) and can say with more than 100 percent certainty that the baby's name will be "Kaidence Donda West." Orrrr... something else that starts with the letter "K." Put your money on it! MEANWHILE... We are so excited about the possibility of an Amanda Bynes rap album, we can hardly contain our tinkle! Here's the latest: According to E! News, Amanda is meeting with producer and ex-Fugees member Wyclef Jean (!!) to discuss her album for the slightly racist-sounding Chinga Chang Records. CEO Dan Herman says Wyclef has been "very receptive" to the idea, and... wait. THIS JUST IN. Gossip site TMZ is reporting that Wyclef Jean has just said he has no intention of assisting Amanda Bynes on her record, or "in any other capacity." Oh. Well. Okay. Umm... is Vanilla Ice available?
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 19
Okay, enough screwing around! We are absolutely, positively in possession of the name Kim Kardashian and Kanye West will be naming their daughter and it is—beyond a single shadow of a doubt—"Kamo West." We are incontrovertibly, 100 percent confident about this... so emboss it in gold, and put it on the crib you're buying the happy couple. KAMO WEST, IT IS. MEANWHILE... Sad news for Sopranos fans: Actor James Gandolfini—best known for his brilliant portrayal as troubled mob boss Tony Soprano in the HBO series—died today of a heart attack while vacationing in Rome. The 51-year-old Gandolfini was staying in a hotel, and had just spent a "marvelous day with his family" according to Us Weekly, when the fatal attack occurred. Gandolfini leaves behind his wife, 13-year-old son, nine-month-old daughter—and of course many memories of his great performances. He will definitely be missed.
THURSDAY, JUNE 20
There's been a bunch of names thrown around this week, but today is the day that One Day at a Time can officially announce that the name of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's new baby is not "North West," "Kaidence Donda West" or "Kamo West." It is in fact—and Us Weekly is backing us up 100 percent on this absolutely infallible information—none of the above, and "definitely does not start with a K." Sooooooo... "Easton West" it is! And if we're wrong, we'll eat our heels! MEANWHILE... We previously reported on poor, sad Joe Francis—the slimebag behind the Girls Gone Wild franchise—who spent years of his life exploiting young drunken women, but was recently shocked to discover a sex tape starring himself was stolen and offered up to the highest bidder! OH, THE DELICIOUS IRONY. However, it is now clear that scumbuckets of a feather stick together, because Steve Hirsch—the CEO of porno company Vivid Entertainment and close pal to Francis—purchased the sex tape from the thief and gave it back to his pal Joey, promising never to release it. Two things: (1) Was Hirsch colluding with the thief when he chose not to contact police? And (2) since we'll never see it, let's just all assume that Joe Francis has the teeniest of teeny-teeny-tiny-tiny dicks.
FRIDAY, JUNE 21
After a week of false starts and close calls, we now have undeniable, 100 percent, bar none, totally-freaking-for-sure confirmation that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have named their daughter... North West! (See? That's what we've been telling you all along!) In bestowing what might very well be the absolute dumbest baby name ever given by celebrity parents (and no, we haven't forgotten Gwyneth Paltrow's unfortunate "Apple," or Jason Lee's doomed "Pilot Inspektor," or Jay-Z and Beyoncé's inane "Blue Ivy," or...), Kimye has damned their daughter to a lifetime of eye rolls whenever she's mentioned. Oh, and get ready for it to get worse: Sources told TMZ that Kim and Kanye "chose the name North because they see it as a metaphor for 'up,' telling friends, 'What's north of north? Nothing.'" And even worse: "We're told the duo believes baby North is their highest point together as a couple... the pinnacle of the relationship... and they consider her their 'North Star.'" Celebrity babies: the ultimate in accessories. Really, really stupidly named accessories.
SATURDAY, JUNE 22
Diabetes-havin', butter-lovin', Southern-drawlin' celeb chef Paula Deen has been fired for—brace yourselves—being racist. Right? Who would've guessed an old white lady from the South might not be super sensitive about race? In a deposition she gave when being sued by a former employee, Deen flatly answered, "Yes, of course" when asked if she'd ever used the N-word, and also discussed her plans for her brother Bubba's classy wedding, where guests would be waited on exclusively by "middle-aged black men" all wearing "beautiful white jackets with a black bow tie." Deen also admitted to using the N-word in jokes, but couldn't figure out if that might be offensive. "Gays or straights, black, redneck, you know, I just don't know," the confused, cholesterol-laden idiot said. "I can't, myself, determine what offends another person." The Food Network and QVC promptly sacked Deen, while diabetes health care company Novo Nordisk has yet to deal with the fact that their spokesperson is an outdated halfwit and the very sort of person keeping humanity from progressing in any sort of meaningful manner.
SUNDAY, JUNE 23
A year after escaping the Scientology house arrest of Tom Cruise, former child bride Katie Holmes "has embraced a lower-key existence as a single mom" in New York City, reports People. Good for her! She's currently filming a low-budget film called Mania Days, living with her daughter Suri in an upscale two-bedroom apartment, and enjoying a life that, a few short years ago, seemed all but ruin—"HOGWASH AND BALDERDASH!" screeched Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, Genocide Mage of the Gamma Quadrant and official Scientology spokesalien. "Ann, you really expect me to believe that... that... foul betrayer is 'enjoying' her life and 'doing fine' after escaping our clutches? Ha! I haven't laughed so hard since a psychlo worm tickled my testicle pods!" Speaking over intergalactic holochat, Klaktu then used an oily tentacle to give a sinister stroke to one of his eyestalks. "Ann, tell Katie we're watching her. Tell her that she and our future queen Suri will be ours once again. Ours. Once again." After confirming—twice—that we'd deliver the message, Klaktu lightened up a bit. "And hey, can you believe that stuff about Paula? I was just making her Ultimate Fantasy Deep-Fried Cheesecake! Like, last night! I mean, you know me—I had to switch out the whipped cream for Betazoid ooze-orbs, of course—but it didn't turn out half bad! Anyway, geez louise. You think you know somebody, right?"