MONDAY, DECEMBER 1 Everyone has been wondering when our plummeting economy would finally slip into a full-blown recession, and today, we got our answer from the National Bureau of Economic Research. The envelope, please... okay, as it turns out, WE ARE IN A RECESSION. And... we've been in a recession since December 2007?! Excuse us, but we're just finding out about this now? What were you guys "researching" last spring when we bought that $500 pair of Stuart Weitzman boots? MEANWHILE... Outgoing President George Bush is desperately trying to revamp his image before leaving office by doing interviews in which he appears to be apologetic for his eight years of running the country into the ground—without actually apologizing at all. In an interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson, Bush said he went into the Iraq invasion "unprepared for war." (Mmm... is he talking about the war he started?) Bush also claimed his "biggest regret" was receiving faulty intelligence that forced him to bomb the crap out of Baghdad. (Mmm... is he talking about the faulty intelligence that he created?) And when asked if the election of Barack Obama was a repudiation of his presidency, Bush responded, "I think it was a repudiation of Republicans." (Mmm... he knows he's a Republican... right?) Maybe he's thinking about running for office on Superman's Bizarro world.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 2 Happy Britney Spears' birthday day, y'all! Who's got the Cheetos? That's right, today is Brit's b-day and what could be more appropriate than celebrating it on... Good Morning America? After performing two songs from her just-released Circus album, Britney was wished a happy birthday by Diane Sawyer, Taylor Swift, Reese Witherspoon, and Hugh Jackman. Confused as the rest of us, Britney responded, "Um, I don't know any of y'all. Did someone slip me a benny? And if so, could you do it again?" MEANWHILE... Look, when are you people going to believe Madonna and A-Rod when they say they are NOT dating? When asked about his relationship with Madonna, Alex Rodriguez lashed out at People magazine. "We're friends—that's it. I can tell you this. I have never been on a plane with her." Yes, maybe he's been to one, maybe two (or 20) of her concerts. WHO CARES? Yes, he left his kids on Thanksgiving day to spend time with Madonna and her kids. BIG DEAL! Yes, they are reportedly looking for a house together on New York's Upper East Side. SO WHAT? And yes, they mysteriously showed up in the same city in Mexico at the same time. ¡NO ES NADA! But they have never been on a plane together! Except maybe when TMZ.com got pictures of them stepping out of a private jet early this morning at a Miami airport. But that wasn't a plane! It was a submarine! With wings. That can fly?
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 3 As you know one of the things we were most grateful for in 2008 was Lindsay Lohan's discovery of "social networking." However, LiLo was quick to discover that Facebook is not without its flaws. Apparently, there were so many Lindsay imposters on the social networking site that when the real Lindsay tried to log on, Facebook thought she was a fake and bumped her off. But let's listen to Lindsay describe her problem (via her MySpace blog): "wow! i was in shock. [Facebook] gave me a note saying why [my account] was disabled because they believe that i was a fake of myself. genius. here i am going on facebook to talk to some of my friends and they are thinking that I AM THE "FAKE" OF MYSELF!!! hahahahaha. at first i laughed and then i got angry. angry because with ALL the people that PRETEND to be me on facebook, they decided to say I AM THE FAKE of myself. all i can think is, WHO is running this site? love love love, Lindsay Dee ;)" For the record, we are 100 percent convinced the real Lindsay wrote this. Unless it was the Hulk.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 4 Upon advice from numerous friends, we began watching MTV's faux "reality" show The Hills—and unsurprisingly, we love it. That's why we will begin adding Lauren, Audrina, Whitney, Lo, Brody, Dino, Justin Bobby, and of course, Heidi and Spencer to our weekly gossip roster. Don't thank us just yet. MEANWHILE... As reported last week, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt (AKA "Speidi") eloped while in Mexico—but it was Heidi's mom Darlene Egelhoff who said what we were all thinking: "I would like to see a blood test from Mexico," Darlene told Us Weekly. "It wouldn't surprise me if he had her drugged." She then added, "I'm confident the marriage won't work out," and predicted the two would be divorced within "six months... I think it's the biggest mistake Heidi's ever made." Heidi and Spencer responded, "Thanks, mom... but we were kinda hoping for a toaster."
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5 Today a Las Vegas judge sentenced O.J. Simpson to 33 years in prison for his 2007 botched armed robbery attempt. Many were befuddled as to why Simpson hadn't used the "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" defense. Or as Simpson's former lawyer Johnnie Cochran put it: "If it happened at Caesar's Palace, there was no malice!" MEANWHILE... Full House is coming back! According to Cameron Bure (AKA Candace Cameron, AKA chubby little DJ Tanner) none other than Uncle Jesse (AKA John Stamos) is making it happen! "John has been working on a semi-remake of Full House," Bure told OK!, adding that it would bring back the characters of DJ Tanner and Stephanie Tanner (Jodie Sweetin), "but today as young women." Hmm. Why could this be happening? MEANWHILE, IN COMPLETELY UNRELATED NEWS... "Our house is in foreclosure, our water has been shut off twice. Currently, all of our other utilities are overdue," Jodie Sweetin said in legal documents filed last month. MEANWHILE, IN COMPLETELY UNRELATED NEWS... "Hey, Johnny boy! It's Dave!" John Stamos heard on his voicemail earlier today. "You know! Dave! From 'da House'! Dave! Dave Coulier! Cut it out? Right! Am I right? Anyway, heard you're gettin' the ol' gang together, and I just... uh... I mean, I have a busy schedule, but I might be able to pencil something in or... wacky Uncle Joey! Wokka wokka! Right? Heh... so... uh, call when you get a chance? Please call, John. I'm... hungry. Cut it out!"
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 6 The Republican National Committee has revised their estimate of just how much former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin spent on "clothes and accessories" during the campaign: In October, the RNC guessed she'd spent about $150,000 at stores ranging from Dick's Sporting Goods to Foot Locker to Victoria's Secret, but they've now raised that estimate to $180,000. "Thirty thousand dollars of Palin lingerie? Yowza!" Hubby Kip was heard to exclaim before an exceedingly well-thrown Manolo Blahnik caused him to double over in pain and limp, whimpering, from the room.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7 "Deadpan, detached, and seeming a bit lonely, Bill Murray is NYC's most unlikely new party guy," reports Page Six, which claims that the 58-year-old actor has been crashing parties in the hip Brooklyn neighborhood of Williamsburg, traipsing around with hip Brooklyn band MGMT, and visiting hip West Side pub the Half King, where a "slightly flirtatious" Murray introduced himself to three twentysomething girls, bought them champagne, and chitchatted the night away until closing. "I felt something between excitement and incredulity that he was there," 29-year-old grad student Dave Summers said of his East Williamsburg loft party, which Murray unexpectedly attended, drinking beer and showing off his dance moves. Bill, Bill, Bill—those cute little Williamsburg hipsters are fine and all, but we sincerely hope you haven't lost the key to our place we gave you a few years ago. We totes have a fridge full of beer, and Kip is, shall we say, "out of commission" for the time being.