MONDAY, JULY 1
Impossible as it may sound, some people are actually claiming that motherhood has changed howling seahag Kim Kardashian into a (what??) somewhat bearable person. "When I walked in to see her, Kim was holding the baby," said unreliable witness and Pussycat Dolls founder Robin Antin to Us Weekly. "I said, 'Oh, my god. You're a natural.' Kim said, 'I know—it's so weird!'" True, it is "weird"... to see Kim holding a baby when she's not feasting on a child's intestines underneath a new moon—but don't be fooled! Kim is just as evil as ever! According to the Daily Mail, Kim is so distrustful of even her closest friends, she sent them all a fake picture of baby North West to see who would try to sell it to the tabloids. In her defense, one of her so-called pals tried to sell the fraudulent photo to the magazines. On the other hand, she's still a monster, because... WHO DOES THAT? (Confidential to North West: Cover your tummy in chain mail, sweetie.) MEANWHILE... As we know, crazy person Amanda Bynes is constantly trying to convince everyone she's not actually crazy, and she really just enjoys "acting" crazy. But... you be the judge. In regards to the recent revelation that the NSA has been snooping on private citizens, here's what Amanda wrote on her poor, beleaguered Twatter account: "I Want A Million Dollars A Year For Illegally Having My Mind Read And Privacy Stolen." Okay. While we're the last people to defend the NSA, can someone please tell Amanda that no one is reading her mind, they're reading HER CRAZY, NONSENSICAL TWATTER ACCOUNT?!? Oh god. Now she's driving us crazy!
TUESDAY, JULY 2
Happy 27th birthday, Lindsay Lohan! And for all of you who hate birthdays because they're depressing, make you feel old, and the only present you ever receive is from your Hubby Kip who gives you control-top pantyhose—ahem. Well, let's just say Lindsay's birthday was worse than that. As you undoubtedly recall, Linds is currently residing in the Cliffside Rehab Center for reasons you should be familiar with if you've read any of our columns in the last 13 years. So when Lindsay asked the Cliffside administrators if she could join her friends for a quiet dinner off the premises, they said, "NO." Then when she asked if her friends might join her at the facility for a quiet get-together, they said, "NO." In fact the only person allowed to visit Lindsay on her birthday was her long-suffering lawyer Shawn Holley, who dropped by to share a quick piece of cake before jetting off again because she had anything more important to do. MEANWHILE... When the Huffington Post Celebrity twatter account wished a happy birthday to actor/comedian Larry David, Lindsay immediately and desperately replied, "And me!" (Note to readers: If anyone can think of anything sadder than this previous story, please send it directly to Lindsay. She could obviously use some cheering up.)
WEDNESDAY, JULY 3
In a desperate attempt to boost ratings, CBS has stumbled upon a sure-fire way to increase viewership for their terrible show Big Brother: Fill the house with racists. And trust us when we say the racists in the current Big Brother house make Paula Deen look like Rachel Maddow. TV site Zap2It have been tracking the housemates' every move on the web-only Big Brother 24-hour live feed, and note that three residents in particular (Spencer, GinaMarie, and Aaryn—AKA "Aryan") have been especially horrible. For example... and if you hate the fact we're even repeating this racist shit, perhaps you should jump to Thursday (it's all about how Katy Perry and John Mayer make people want to join Al Qaeda!)... Aryan telling an Asian woman she "needs to go make some rice," GinaMarie saying that welfare is "n-word insurance," and Spencer calling a gay housemate, "Kermit the Fag." And those are just the highlights. The only good news? When Aryan eventually leaves the house (where she doesn't receive any outside visitors or news), she'll discover she's been FIRED from her modeling agency Zephyr Talent for her idiotic racist views. However, Paula Deen will probably pay big money just to stand beside her—because comparatively? Aryan makes her look gooooood.
THURSDAY, JULY 4
Happy Fourth of July—which was quickly ruined by an Instagram photo of Katy Perry and John Mayer holding each other while wearing matching red, white, and blue patriotic outfits. In response, our forefathers rolled over in their graves and simultaneously proclaimed, "Katy Perry and John Mayer make us want to join Al Qaeda!"
FRIDAY, JULY 5
Now that the patriotic glow of Independence Day has started to fade—let's talk about how America! Is! The Worst! FIRST! "The United States military will likely show its benevolence toward the Guantanamo Bay detainees it's holding in perpetuity and will only force-feed the hunger strikers at night out of respect for Ramadan," says the Atlantic. Way to go, America! You're the worst! SECOND! "Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has signed a bill that would require women seeking an abortion to get an ultrasound," reports NPR. "The bill also puts restrictions on doctors who perform abortions," says NPR's Marti Mikkelson—and those restrictions, like requiring doctors to have admitting privileges at a local hospital and requiring clinics to be within 30 miles of a hospital, "threatens the availability of abortion at Wisconsin's last four remaining facilities." Ugh! America! The worst! THIRD! Now that her own show is failing, "sassy single mom" and former Playboy model Jenny McCarthy (who thinks vaccines cause autism, rallied Portlanders to vote against fluoridation, and makes a living being a professional ignoramus) is "in serious talks" to join The View, reports Us. "The cast and crew get a kick out of Jenny," a source lies. "She may not be able to carry a show, but she works well with a group ensemble." It hurts us to type these words, dear, but... if this comes to pass? Keeping Up with the Kardashians may no longer be the worst thing ever televised. GAH! America! The worst!
SATURDAY, JULY 6
Jane Leeves, who played Daphne on Frasier, is now 52 years old—and, thank god, totally okay with it. To the extent that she viciously/charmingly went off in the Daily Mail about how she's surrounded in Los Angeles by plastic-surgeried "fish faces." "It looks as if they've all been in a fire at a certain point, it really does," Leeves observed, then ticked down a list: Meg Ryan ("She destroyed her career... she looks older"), Sharon Osbourne ("vaguely simian looking"), Melanie Griffith ("Melanie didn't need a trout pout. She was a very attractive woman"), Pamela Anderson ("Oh, you poor darling, how are you going to grow old?"), Nicole Kidman ("At some point, [Botox] is going to exclude you from films"), Mickey Rourke ("It's depressing"), while holding onto a few kind words for Joan Rivers: "I love Joan. She owns it, she's totally honest about it, and that's the difference. And she makes fun of it." Okay, dears. If we're ever sick—or, god forbid, somehow indisposed? Daphne from Frasier can totally take over One Day at a Time for us! We're probably soulmates.
SUNDAY, JULY 7
Today is the greatest day in the history of One Day—and as for why, we will simply direct you to this People headline: "GEORGE CLOONEY AND STACY KEIBLER SPLIT." Finally! Yes! At last! "Stacy called it quits. She wants to have children and a family someday. She knows where George stands on that," a source giving the best news ever tells People. "They talked and they quietly stopped being a couple several weeks ago." Finally! YES! AT LAST! We've been waiting for this day for years, dears, as we are sure that both you and George know. To George, we will simply say this: You still have our number, sweetie. And you know how we feel about families! And children! And hubbies who buy us control-top pantyhose. Talk to you soon.