MONDAY, DECEMBER 8 Is that the thundering sound of hoof beats we hear? Then it must mean that Jennifer Aniston has galloped her way back into the gossip rags! But let's get one thing clear: It's not her fault everyone keeps butting into her private life, and we should stop it at our earliest possible convenience! "I am honestly getting sick of it," the whinnying Aniston told People. "And I feel like saying, 'You know what? It's none of your fucking business.' Seriously, it's enough." Jeez, what a "nag!" Fine, we'll stop horsing around, Jen—as long as you stop posing nude on the cover of GQ, and talking shit about that thick-lipped harlot Angelina Jolie! In the latest issue, Jen is as naked as a newborn foal (could someone at least throw a blanket on her back?) and still rears up at the notion of herself and Angelina ever getting along. "The funny thing is that people don't realize we all go away to the Hamptons on the weekends," said a drippingly sarcastic Jen. "No, but can you imagine? That'd be hysterical. I've got Zahara on my hip, and Knox...." Yeah, Jen... hysterical. (For those keeping score at home, Angie and Brad have six children; Jen has none.) MEANWHILE... A Roman Catholic cardinal in Chile has chastised Madonna, claiming that she acted in "an incredibly shameless manner" at her recent concert, provoking "a crazy enthusiasm of lust, lustful thoughts, impure thoughts." Actually Madonna was pleased by his response, since she hasn't been able to induce a "lustful thought" in nearly 20 years.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 9 The nation was shocked today after learning that Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is not, in fact, a cartoon character, and apparently attempted to auction off President-elect Obama's vacant Senate seat. The perfectly coiffed, foul-mouthed governor was arrested this morning, and actually showed up in court in a blue jogging suit. (Reminder: NOT A CARTOON CHARACTER!) According to a 76-page affidavit, federal authorities claim Blagojevich was caught on wiretap trying to trade Obama's seat for financial gain, allegedly saying, "I've got this thing and it's fucking golden, and I'm just not giving it up for fucking nothing." (Reminder: NOT A CARTOON CHARACTER!) Blagojevich apparently also tried to deny state financial assistance to the beleaguered Chicago Tribune unless members of their editorial board were fired. "Our recommendation is fire all those fucking people," Blagojevich allegedly said, "Get 'em the fuck out of there and get us some editorial support!" US Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald also needed to remind us the governor is not a cartoon character, claiming, "Governor Blagojevich has taken us to a new low. This conduct would make Abraham Lincoln roll over in his grave." "Oh YEAH?" Blagojevich yelled in response, "Well fuck you, and fuck fucking Abraham Lincoln's fucking grave, you fucking fuck! I'll fucking sell that, too! What's my first bid? C'mon, you fucks! It's Abrafuckingham Lincoln's fucking GRAVE. Ahhh, fuck you, you cheap fucks."
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 10 If there's one place in America that has more tongue-wrestling going on than the annual Mercury holiday party, it's the set of Gossip Girl. Not only are Blake (Serena) and Penn (Dan) dating on and offstage, Jessica (Vanessa) and Ed (Chuck) have also been caught in an airport lip canoodle. But here's the real scandalosity: Chace (Nate) Crawford and Taylor (Jenny) Momsen were reportedly spotted in NYC recently jamming their tongues down each other's throats—which on the show would be fine... but here in real life, Chace is 23 and Taylor is 15! But maybe they can write in a "statutory rape and prison sentence" plotline into the show. Just an idea! XOXO—the REAL "Gossip Girl." MEANWHILE... In other teen news, for reasons too baffling to contemplate, Tom Cruise made an appearance on MTV's The Hills Aftershow to tell Spencer Pratt he'd made a mistake in eloping with Heidi Montag. "If the girl wants the wedding, you gotta do the wedding," Cruise opined. "It's a special occasion, and she'll remember it forever. Spencer... dude... you'll realize this later." Can someone please tell Tom that Heidi and Spencer's wedding is just like Scientology? IT'S NOT REAL!!
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 11 In the latest edition of O magazine, Oprah Winfrey confesses she's "fallen off the wagon" and now weighs 200 pounds. 200 POUNDS? Honey, you didn't just fall off the wagon, you broke it! Girl, you like food so much, you deep-fry your toothpaste. But seriously, Oprah's measurements are 38-26-36... and that's just her left arm! No, we're kidding. Those are her true measurements—IN FEET! Yessss! High five! Thank yew! We'll be here all week!
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 12 Last week, we reported on claims by Candace Cameron Bure—formerly known as tubby li'l D.J. Tanner on Full House—that John Stamos ("Uncle Jesse") was planning a Full House "semi-remake." Well, turns out D.J. doesn't know what the eff she's talking about. "We couldn't make a deal," a source close to Full House: Uncle Jesse's Revenge told E! Online. "It's completely dead right now." (And no, Uncle Jesse's Revenge isn't the official title—but wouldn't it be great if it was?) When reached for comment, Dave Coulier—AKA "Uncle Joey"—was upset. "I've been trying to joke about it," he said, his voice cracking with pain. "You know, I try doing the Bullwinkle voice, or acting out old Mr. Woodchuck sketches with a sock puppet. But goddammit, I really needed that money. So this is just one more example of how that bastard John Stamos has totally screwed me over and ruined my life. Thanks for nothing, Johnny-boy! And hey, I'm getting paid for this interview, right? Right? Hello?"
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 13 What?! Tom Cruise is admitting he's a less than convincing actor? Stop the presses! Oh, wait. He's just telling some supposedly cute Christmas story about his daughter Suri—undoubtedly hoping to distract us from the fact that he's a creepy Scientologist midget with a child bride. "I'm always Santa," the star told E! Online, referring to the Cruise family holiday party. "The teenagers know it's me [You don't say!—Ann], but I was surprised at Suri last year. Kate [-ie Holmes, the aforementioned child bride] made the Santa outfit, and when I came out, I did my best Santa impression. She looked at me and said, 'No, Dada.' [Wait. Does "she" refer to Katie or Suri? Ewww!] This year, I'm going to do a little better. I'm workin' on it." "As usual, Tom is being too hard on himself!" squelched Emperor Klaaktu of Rigel VII. "He always does this! You should have heard him after The Last Samurai! 'Oh, I wasn't convincing at all. Oh, I could have done that scene better. Oh, the left side of my face is so much more photogenic. Blah blah blah!' I just tell him, 'Tom, when L. Ron Hubbard returns to conquer your backwards planet, you will be held on high, and all will be forced to watch The Last Samurai nonstop for the rest of their pitiable existences, and they will grow to love doing so.' (Don't tell him I said so, but he really stunk it up in Cocktail.)"
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 14 Sometimes the pros say it best, and this is one of those times. From the New York Times: "President Bush made a valedictory visit on Sunday to Iraq, the country that will largely define his legacy, but the trip will more likely be remembered for the unscripted moment when an Iraqi journalist hurled his shoes at Mr. Bush's head and denounced him on live television as a 'dog' who had delivered death and sorrow here from nearly six years of war." Mmm-hmm. That about sums it up—except for one thing: Please tell us those shoes weren't Manolo Blahniks.