MONDAY, JANUARY 11 Just when you start to suspect television might not be bad for you, TV's decision-makers crap all over your suspicion. As mentioned last week, NBC has decided to kill the loathsome Jay Leno Show after it clocked abysmal ratings at the 10 pm hour, with the intention of pushing him to 11:30 pm and The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien to after midnight. (Doesn't that make it The Tomorrow Show?) Happily, Conan is not standing for such shabby treatment, and according to a source speaking to Fox News, Conan is ready to tell NBC to kiss his tall Irish ass. "This level of shittiness was not expected," the source spilled. "[Conan's] done a great job for NBC. He moved his entire staff, he moved his family to LA. And five months later, they repay him like this?" But not everyone had such kind words—like, oh, Jerry Seinfeld, for example. "What did the network do to him?" Seinfeld said when grilled by the Hollywood Reporter. "I don't think anyone's preventing people from watching Conan. Once they give you the cameras, it's on you. I can't blame NBC for having to move things around." Viewer note: Insiders says that, coincidentally, Seinfeld is being considered for the Tonight Show spot. Expect things to get ugly, quick. MEANWHILE... Speaking of ugly, Sarah Palin's personality is making news—or should we say, "making up news." According to the New York Times, Fox News has hired Palin to be a regular contributor, while giving her time to follow other pursuits (such as annoying everyone who doesn't watch Fox News). Said Palin of her recent hire, "I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News. It's wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news." It's lucky we decided to carry our jeweled barf clutch bag today. BARF!!
TUESDAY, JANUARY 12 The country of Haiti suffered a catastrophic earthquake today—hitting a whopping 7.0 on the Richter scale, it affected three million citizens and killed close to 100,000, with some estimates approaching 200,000. As an extremely poor country, construction practices are sub-par to say the least, which greatly contributed to the deaths as homes and shanties collapsed on their inhabitants. Currently the survivors are without basic necessities including food, shelter, and water—and the bodies are literally piling up. While a coalition of nations bearing aid rushed to the rescue, the situation has quickly deteriorated, thanks to impassable roads, looting, and a panicked citizenry. How could such a horrible situation occur? Well, according to thoughtless bonehead evangelist Pat Robertson, the poor country brought this destruction upon themselves by making a "pact with the devil." "Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it," Robertson said on the Christian Broadcasting Network. "They were under the heel of the French... and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, 'We will serve you if you'll get us free from the French.' Ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another." Note to Mr. Robertson: We want nothing to do with you or your god.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 13 In news that's almost as disgusting, Heidi Montag (a member of The Hills as well as the Christian religion) released her new album today, aptly titled Superficial—in which one of the song lyrics is, and we quote, "Come eat my panties off of me." Haiti: As bad as things are, things could always be worse.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 14 The "Great Late-Night Wars of 2010" heated up to a roiling boil after Conan O'Brien issued a statement that he'd rather quit The Tonight Show than see it ruined by pushing it to after midnight. This brilliant maneuver made both NBC and Jay Leno look like the dicks they are—and sent aged NBC sports executive Dick Ebersol into an Andy Rooneyesque fury. Unwilling to admit that it was his own network who made the ridiculous decisions that caused this situation, Ebersol accused Conan of being "chicken-hearted and gutless to blame a guy you couldn't beat in the ratings," adding, "what this is really all about is an astounding failure by Conan." Hey grandpa, isn't midnight a little late for you to be staying up? MEANWHILE... NBC head honcho Jeff Zucker has also refused to mince words, according to sources talking to Deadline.com, vowing to hold Conan to his contract and keep him off the air for three-and-a-half years, unless he sticks with The Tonight Show at its later time. Team Conan responded by telling Zucker that he and NBC are "number one." (This just in: Team Conan was holding up the middle, not the index finger.)
FRIDAY, JANUARY 15 Last week, we reported that former Jon & Kate Plus Eight star Kate Gosselin recently got a $7,000 haircut—which as far as we can tell, basically consisted of $6,995 worth of crappy extensions. So how does she like it? "She hates it!" a source tells Us. "She thinks her hair looks over-processed and damaged. She's afraid people will think she's one of Tiger Woods' bimbos!" The source adds that Kate's kids aren't fans of her new look either, having "shrieked" when they first saw the new 'do. "They started laughing," the source continues. "Kate ended up in her room crying." (Okay, we've changed our mind—that $7,000 was totally worth it.)
SATURDAY, JANUARY 16 "Is George Clooney ready to tie the knot?" wonders Popeater.com. Apparently, Clooney's been telling pals that his current gal—some skanky harpy named Elisabetta Canalis, who, we assure you, cannot offer our darling George a damn thing that we can't—is "the one." "He is crazy about her," says an unnamed pal of Clooney's. "I have never seen him like this before. He's smitten." COULD THIS WEEK GET ANY WORSE?!
SUNDAY, JANUARY 17 Today Tinselturd went gaga for the Golden Globes! The highlights: Demi Moore stayed home and twattered because she was having a "bad hair day"; Mariah Carey, everyone's favorite embarrassing drunk (after Paula Abdul, of course), laid off the sauce for once ("I had like two sips!" she proudly told Us); Kate Hudson complained about how hard it is to be a movie star ("They didn't have any food there," she complained about Harvey Weinstein's afterparty. "Only chocolate!"); somebody stepped on Chloë Sevigny's ridiculous dress ("I can't believe you just ripped my dress!" the Big Love actress snapped); and Mad Men's Christina Hendricks' dress showed off her golden globes so well that Hubby Kip lapsed into some sort of coma. We haven't bothered trying to wake him up yet. MOVING ON... The Great Late-Night Wars of 2010 continue, with the current rumor being that Conan will leave The Tonight Show and head to another network (snagging a cool $30 to $40 million in the process), while Leno will reclaim The Tonight Show and return it to its previous state of painful un-funniness, while—wait, what's this? Someone recorded Jay Leno on The Tonight Show in 2004, talking about how excited he was to turn the show over to Conan in 2009? How interesting! "When I took this show over, boy, there was a lot of animosity between me and Dave [Letterman], and who's gonna get it, and quite frankly, a lot of... good friendships were permanently damaged," Leno said. "And I don't want to see anybody ever have to go through that again. Because, you know, this show is like a dynasty—you hold it, and then you hand it off to the next person. And I don't wanna see all the fighting and all the 'who's better' and nasty things [going] back and forth in the press. So right now, here it is: Conan, it's yours. See you in five years, buddy." In related news, Jay Leno is worse than Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, and Heidi Montag combined—which makes him only slightly better than Pat Robertson.