Organ Grinder 

Turistas: More Blood! Stat!

So my best friend's cousin went to South America on spring break? And boy, did she get drunk at some club one night! She woke up the next day in a seedy motel covered in ice in a bathtub, only to look down and see that someone had stolen her kidney. It's totally true. My best friend saw the scar.

Unfortunately Turistas somehow manages to make this timeless urban legend boring—it's a bland, essentially bloodless take on the urban legend/cautionary tale of young Americans traveling abroad, and thus being surgically punished for their impudence. Three ugly Americans ("ugly" here meaning very, very attractive) get stranded in a remote area of Brazil after a bus accident. Ganging up with some Swedes, Brits, and Aussies, they find an idyllic beach with a happening bar. Many bikini changes, bottles of liquor, and make-out sessions later they wake up on the beach, having been robbed of all their possessions. And up to this point, the movie was semi-interesting... mostly because of all the bikini changes and frolicking, attractive menfolk.

The film gets tedious, though, when it tries to introduce the organ-stealing urban legend. Through an inane story twist, our gang of nubiles is led into the jungle. But little do they know, a patriotic Brazilian "doctor" is killing tourists for their organs under the tenet of taking back what Brazilians have been denied(!?), and dude has set his sights on these tasty specimens. What follows is the least gory, least bloody, least suspenseful 40 minutes in horror movie history. Cue: a backroom surgery. Cue: some gratuitous boob shots during aforementioned surgery. Then: a dull chase scene and a truly unfulfilling villain-gets-it scene.

As if promoting xenophobia wasn't bad enough, the film manages to do it in the most mind-numbing manner possible. More gore certainly would've helped make this cautionary tale less of a snoozer. I ended up seeing all the debauchery and thinking how fun it looked, while nearly falling asleep during the "moral" of the story (Moral: Don't leave home). Turistas should've stayed out of the jungle and back at the beach, where the rum was flowing and the asses were shaking.

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