Illustration by Michael MacDonald

IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN when everybody and their mother has a goddamn Pride party—so I've waded through the mountain of queer happenings and picked 10 things you really should be doing this week.


10. aka75: Electromode

I always try to find events and community offerings that dance to the beat of a different drummer for this Top 10 list—but with Pride morphing from a celebration of our LGBTQ movement's history and collective power into an overblown weekend of corporate-sponsored opportunities to get wasted and/or laid, those gems are (sadly) fewer and farther between than ever. That being said, when Portland multimedia collective aka75 announces they're back with another over-the-top fashion/music/video spectacle with NO COVER on Pride Sunday? Everyone should pay close attention. Fez Ballroom, 316 SW 11th, Sun June 15, 7 pm, free


9. Trans Pride March

Celebrating the 45th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, the Trans Pride March is a freedom procession showcasing Portland's "Transgender, Trans*, Genderqueer, Two-Spirit, Transsexual, Intersex, and Gender Diverse" communities. Trans Pride March follows the same route as Sunday's Gay Pride Parade, but one day earlier. Allies and friends are invited to march as well. North Park Blocks to Waterfront, Sat June 14, 11:30 am, free, all ages


8. Exorcism: A Holy Nun Blessing and Disco!

The Portland Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence are a tireless bunch of perverted do-gooders, and this year they invite us to "exorcise demons from the past and enter Pride 2014 officially blessed." Get cleansed in glitter and holy rose water, then get down and dirty with the Sisters as they raise money for the community. Crush, 1400 SE Morrison, Fri June 13, 8 pm, $5


7. Intimacy Issues Comedy Tour

Funny gay Jason Stuart has been a visible out face in comedy for the past 20 years and has appeared in over 175 films and TV shows. Now he's making a stop in Portland on his comedy tour to start your very proud week with some very gay laughter! Puddletown comedy powerhouse Belinda Carroll is also on the bill. Funhouse Lounge, 2432 SE 11th, Thurs June 12, 9 pm (PG-13) & 11 pm (R), $15-20


6. #NSFW Pride Kickoff

Portland's queer scene is nothing if not overflowing with parties, and it's no secret that some of said parties offer a better music selection than others. Now two of those parties—Laid Out and Gaycation—have teamed up, done the nasty and voila! #NSFW Pride Kickoff at Holocene was born. DJs Bruce LaBruiser (PDX) and K-Kost (SEA) join in on the fun, all hosted by local drag star Georgia Ray Babycakes. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, Fri June 13, 10 pm, $5


5. Blow Pony: SSION, Double Duchess, Glitterbang

There are very few things that tempt me into subjecting myself to wait in line for hours to get inside a venue, then again for a drink, then again to go to the bathroom, but Kansas City-turned-NYC art pop master (and Kylie Minogue collaborator) SSION sharing the stage with high-energy San Francisco electro queers Double Duchess and Seattle's dance punk outfit Glitterbang is as good a reason as there ever will be. You can go back to your safe room when the show is over. Rotture, 315 SE 3rd, Sat June 14, 9 pm, $8-10


4. The Mystery Box Show

The Mystery Box Show is Portland's only live-storytelling series dedicated to true tales of sex and sexuality. Whether you identify as queer, straight, kinky, or vanilla, your "ear-rogenous zones" are sure to be tickled with stories of big dicks, big hearts, sex workers, videotape, and public pleasure screams. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, Sat June 14, 7 pm, $14-16 (use discount code PRIDE2014 for $3 off)


3. Queerlandia

Four years in, Queerlandia has grown into a huge benefit, donating 20 percent of the door to Bradley Angle's LGBTQ domestic violence services, while showcasing some of the best queer talent around. Serendipity Jones plays host while DJs Riff-Raff, Sappho, and all your faves from Portland's Bridge Club scene bring the tunes. Also, the only drag clown who matters, Carla Rossi, is performing alongside a gaggle of her "Gays of Future Past" (which is all the reason you need to go, if you ask me). There will be queer crafts, caricatures by Tuna Doodle, and a bunch of other weird gay shit you're gonna love. Don't miss out. Embers, 110 NW Broadway, Thurs June 12, 9 pm, $10 ($5 before 10 pm)


2. Queer Heroes NW Opening Party

Now in its third year, Queer Heroes NW LGBTQ community awards honor 30 heroes each year—one for every day of Pride month. Nominated by the greater community and selected by a committee of former award winners, all winners have played a significant role in furthering equality for LGBTQ people in Oregon and Southwest Washington. Get in touch with your queer history and meet some of the heroes in person. Q Center, 4115 N Mississippi, Thurs June 12, 5-7 pm, free, all ages


1. Have an impromptu same-gender wedding, for cryin' out loud!

It's legal now, lovebirds—so my top pick for what you should do during Pride is march on down to the courthouse and get yourselves a tax break already!