MONDAY, DECEMBER 29 Welcome back, darlings! After a restful vacation, One Day is back, digging up the filthiest scoops from Hollyweird and beyond. Now... what did we miss while we were away? ITEM #1: Headline from the Daily Mail: "Magician David Copperfield's Assistant Sucked into the Blades of a Giant Wind Machine as Horrified Audience Looks On." And this time, Claudia Schiffer wasn't doing the sucking! ITEM #2: A Philadelphia man was shot during a screening of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button for talking too loud. Violence is always, always wrong under any circumstance. That being said, let's all quietly whisper, "Yayyyy!" ITEM #3: Overrated tramp Scarlett Johansson is selling one of her used tissues on eBay for charity. In a related story... EW! ITEM #4: Star magazine reports that while Kevin Federline has taken great pains to paint himself as an upstanding and devoted single dad to his and Britney's two sons, sources say he's still smoking pot, hanging with hookers, and spending wild, boozy nights in Vegas. In his defense, those hookers are his daycare providers. ITEM #5: Vice President Dick Cheney proudly admitted to ABC's Charles Gibson that he was directly involved with approving CIA torture techniques such as waterboarding. He then sliced open Gibson's stomach, ate his entrails, and laughing maniacally, descended into a lake of fire.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30 When confronted with a potentially career-breaking scandal, most politicians hide their heads in the sand. Thankfully for those who like surreal entertainment, that's not Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich! Under suspicion of trying to sell President-elect Obama's senate seat, Der Blago shocked the world today by appointing former Illinois Attorney General Roland Burris to the position. All together now: "The balls on that one!" Naturally the ensuing press conference was a hilarious disaster complete with great quotes, such as from US Representative Bobby Rush who said, "I would ask you to not hang or lynch the appointee as you try to castigate the appointer." Governor Blagojevich immediately repeated the phrase to reporters—with a slight revision. "Feel free to castigate the appointer but don't lynch the appointer. I am not guilty of any criminal wrongdoing!" How to make a great story even better? The inclusion of double entendres. "I am not a tool of the governor," said the unintentionally hilarious Burris. "I'm a tool of the people of Illinois. If I was worried about the taint, I would never have accepted that. I don't have any taint from Governor Blagojevich!" We believe you, Roland. No one wants anything to do with Blagojevich's tool or taint.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31 Finally! After a nail-biting nine months, a bawling baby boy has emerged from Sarah Palin's teenage daughter's vaginal canal. Yep, that's the same baby that caused all the hypocritical hullabaloo three days after Palin was announced as John McCain's running mate. According to People, the baby's name is Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston (UGH! Seriously? These people should be living in a commune in Waco), and there's already a tabloid bidding war for the baby's first pictures (maybe Bristol can use the money to buy her high school a new vending machine). Governor Palin announced the happy news today, saying, "When Bristol and [the baby's father] Levi first told us the shocking news that she was pregnant, to be honest, we all at first looked at the situation with some fear and a bit of despair. Isn't it just like God to turn those circumstances into such an amazing, joyful blessing when you ask Him to help you through?" Yeah, isn't that just like God to convince Levi that it was okay not to wear a rubber?
THURSDAY, JANUARY 1 It's a brand-new year, and what better way to celebrate than with a knockdown, drag-out brawl between Hollyweird's scariest lesbians, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson? The screaming officially started on Tuesday when, according to the New York Post, the Bickersons began incessantly arguing at a family get-together. (Klassy with a K!) Then on New Year's Eve the pair hosted a bash at club Mansion, began screeching at each other, and took their bash to the parking lot. LiLo allegedly chastised SamRo, yelling, "When I storm off, you are supposed to follow me!" (It's nice to know lesbians can be just as clueless as straight men.) Naturally, the fight escalated, and continued in a nearby alleyway... right in front of a homeless person! Très embarrassment! "It was a really gross alley," said an onlooker. "There was a bum eating a sandwich and watching the whole thing." And ohhhh yes, it gets better! The fracas then traveled to their hotel where the twosome trashed their room, and began publicly "punching each other." The never-ending fight allegedly continued as they boarded their plane back to Los Angeles. But according to their rep? Everything's a-okay. "There was an argument," the rep told the Post. "I don't know the details. But they left for LA together and it's fine." 2009? You are going to be the best year EVER!
FRIDAY, JANUARY 2 Wait. Strike that, because look who decided to drop in and start 2009 off on the totally wrong foot! Paris Hilton, we're looking at you—and, more specifically, at Life & Style's rumor that you're getting it on with our beloved George Clooney. L&S claims that Paris and George had an "intimate meeting" at a West Hollywood hotel bar at the end of December—and then were seen again the next night, sitting together at a dinner party where they were joined by 800-year-old director Ridley Scott, mega-nerd/Marvel Studios Chairman David Maisel, and something called Brittany Flickinger... which sounds like something Hubby Kip tried to do on us once but is actually the winner of Paris' latest reality show. Okay, so obvs, Life & Style is full of it, and making up ridiculous rumors that no one would ever believe, because really, George dating Paris is about as likely as Kip managing to talk us into a Flickingering. So we are totes not worried. Ha ha! Nice try, liars at Life & Style! (Confidential to Paris: Back off, skank. We will end you.)
SATURDAY, JANUARY 3 In a desperate attempt to get her name back in this column, Jennifer Lopez appears to be on the verge of kicking hubby Marc Anthony to the curb. According to Us Weekly, J.Lo and MacAnt... ManThon... (oh, forget it) have removed their wedding rings, and are expected to make a Valentine's Day announcement that their marriage is over. (Thanks for ruining that day for the rest of us, guys! Not that it was so great to begin with... sniff.)
SUNDAY, JANUARY 4 People who pass up "gossip rags" to read "real news" keep telling us that things are "not going well." Apparently, the "economy" is "totally effed" and "we're all going to die of hunger." Well, somebody forgot to tell Katie Holmes, who has dropped over $14 million in the mere six months she's been in New York City. Granted, New York is très expensive, but this is ridiculous: $13,987 on child care for baby Suri, $7,000 for gym equipment, $7,315 for restaurant bills, $17,000 for clothes, and up to $14 million on various apartments and lofts. "Stop ragging so hard on Katie Holmes!" Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII shouted when reached for comment. "As you noted, New York is très expensive! Besides, all of your Earthling 'money' will soon be rendered into cinders when Young Empress Suri is infused with the spectral form of L. Ron Hubbard! Humanoid Ann Romano, your mischaracterizations and gossip-mongerings shall evaporate like a Klandathan smoke-beetle as the Great Renunciation of L. Ron...." Blah blah blah. He kept going like that for a while, but we just kinda tuned him out. Turns out that even in the new year, some things just ain't gonna change.