YOU KNOW THE TYPE. He's that guy. The guy who believes the CIA is tracking our every movement, and the government is so insidiously cunning that it can control its citizens like marionettes. But let's momentarily set aside the fact that our older elected officials are incapable of figuring out email (I'm looking at you, John McCain). In the paranoid guy's defense, it is legitimately troubling how easily we can be tracked—whether by computer, traffic camera, or cell phone. Sooo... cue the newest Shia LaBeouf movie!

Eagle Eye takes that guy's deepest fears and turns them into a horrifying (and largely ridiculous) morality tale of overbearing governmental control. In a nutshell, Shia and that chick from Made of Honor find themselves forced to follow the whims of a mysterious woman's voice, who not only has control over their cell phones, but anything digital: including flashing roadside signs, GPS systems, and video monitors at McDonalds. To foil a presidential assassination, Shia and Co. must defeat the bad guy, who turns out to be... well, I won't spoil it. Mainly because I'm afraid the government is watching me right now and might electrocute me through my keyboard. OWWWW! Just kidding.

The acting here is as serviceable as one might expect from Shia and co-stars Billy Bob Thornton and Michael Chiklis. Plus director D.J. Caruso keeps things moving... but not nearly fast enough to disguise the plot, which is BATSHIT INSANE. The technological cat-n-mouse premise may start out as unbelievable—but by the final reel Eagle Eye reaches an astounding level of implausibility that is both eye-rollingly bad and—luckily for the audience—unintentionally hilarious. It's almost as if... as if the government wants us to think the idea of them spying on us is ridiculous! Well, you're not fooling ME, government! Where's my aluminum foil hat?!