For some reason the Mercury picked me (a gay man) to watch a bunch of... well, YOU KNOW WHOS doing YOU KNOW WHAT. I took the advice of my closest lesbian advisors and found three pornos that really screamed: I AM NOT A GAY PERVERT, BUT A LESBIAN PERVERT. Honestly, I've never seen porn like this.

Safe Is Desire (1993)--Nothing spells "sexy" like "safety." Safe Is Desire was a porno from the '90s intended to challenge attitudes towards safer sex for lesbians. While the ladies weren't the butchiest of butches, no Playboy bunnies were harmed in the making of this film. Alle and Donne are in love, but when they start doing the nasty, they discover safe sex is a loaded issue for them. They visit a San Francisco lesbian club to watch a performance by the Safe Sex Sluts. The Sluts don latex gloves and instruct our heroines on the usage of dental dams, plastic wrap, condoms, and dildos. And if you're a lesbian, this turns you on.

San Francisco Lesbians Vol. 4 (1993)--A series from the '90s with real lesbians having real lesbian sex. San Francisco Lesbians really runs the gamut of dyke haircuts and sexual styles, from mullets to buzz cuts to rim-jobs. The tape I watched had a scene where a pregnant femme is picnicking with her girlfriend and out of nowhere this portly dyke comes in with a toolbox, sodomizes her, and then leaves. Holy shit. If gay porn were this weird, I might actually watch it.

Clips (1988)--A late-'80s classic from Fatale Videos, Clips features a series of short vignettes with--you guessed it--MORE LESBIANS DOING YOU KNOW WHAT. One particularly infamous scene features Fanny Fatale, a buck-toothed lioness in a silk bathrobe who is famous for her FEMALE EJACULATIONS. I saw her female ejaculate, and it kind of just flew out across the room like a creamy bat out of a volcano. A creamy bat escaping from a primordial, man-eating vortex of love. Like one of those dinosaurs in Jurassic Park that flares out its collar and spits acid at you. That's what her vagina does. IBAN JAIME