Illustration by Ryan Alexander-Tanner

SOMETIMES I'll be dorking around on Facebook, and I'll notice some people I went to high school with having an intellectual conversation on "the present state of race and racial identity in the United States" that usually reads something like, "HOW COME IT'S OKAY FOR THERE TO BE A BLACKPEOPLEMEET.COM BUT NOT A WHITEPEOPLEMEET.COM?!" followed by somebody echoing that well-crafted sentiment with "when i have kids i sware im gonna home schoole them and where gonna to have a white history month bc if things are so equal and barack obama and jesus."

So, as a service to my old classmates who were raised upper middle class, in the '90s, in Beaverton, and at some point in their twenties somehow turned into Kiefer Sutherland in A Time to Kill, I offer this "White History Month Curriculum."

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Week One:

• The Ancient Greeks: How to gloss over swarthy pedophilia in polite conversation.

• The Vikings: Like a Daniel Tosh rape joke without the Daniel Tosh or the joke!

• The Romans: White slavery, and how to sputter angrily about it as you leave a workplace-mandated cultural sensitivity course.

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Week Two:

• England: A focused study of gender-role motifs in the works of William Shakespeare. JK! SWORDS!

• Jesus: Was he white, or did he just deserve to be white?

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Week Three:

• The Triangular Trade: Molasses, rum, and some third thing.

• The Civil War: Why aren't black people more grateful?

• Manifest Destiny: A rigorous study of why it wasn't called "Man-is-best Bestiny" instead.

• Women's Suffrage: How to blame your wife for Barack Obama.

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Week Four:

• Famous Glens: A comprehensive look at some famous guys named Glen.

• Fashion and the Modern White: A step-by-step course on how to tuck a Pep Boys T-shirt into Wrangler jeans with no belt.

• Sports: Coming to terms with how ethnic Larry Csonka's last name is.

• Privilege: Who to blame for why come you don't just have a good job for some reason.

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Finally, some justice.